Tag: pets

Snow-sycophants beware!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I think it’s time that you and I had a talk. I heard you wishing for snow. You’re old enough now to know a basic fact of life: snow is bad.

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

You cannot pay any attention to the movies and television shows that portray snow as charming and special. Snow is an obnoxious obscuring of the senses.

Seriously, this garbage about snow being magical is just propaganda. Ask anyone above kitten-age. Snow-sycophants are blind to the obvious truth: Snow is a manipulation tactic.

The bread and milk producers and the weather forecasters have some kind of backroom deal. Whenever profits are low, grocers and bread-makers call the weather reporters and get them to threaten snow. Don’t believe me–just watch!

As soon as a forecaster claims that “Snowmagedon” is on the horizon, people panic. They rush to store and buy bread, milk, and eggs. Why??? How much French toast does one family need? Seriously, it’s just a scam!

Look little human: Snow is wet. Wet is bad. Snow is cold. Cold is bad.

Snowy days mean less sun, and that is very, very bad. Everyone stays home. All day. During my nap time. PLUS while it is snowing there are very few birds playing outside the window. Also, very bad. I like to visualize my lunch before I eat it.

Dry, sunny, warm days create glowing heated hot spots just right for relaxing. True magic is a radiating orb casting light on you while you stretch your claws out towards the sun, just rolling around. The sun beams and I beam, that’s how it works. Yes, give me a warm blanket and a cozy spot of sunlight and I’m in Heaven!

Just imagine it, some nice human bringing you something dead to eat while you take in the glow of the day’s light while watching little birds and flying things move past your window. It’s like living in a daydream.

I forgive you for wanting snow; after all, you’re only human. But please remember, dear boy, that the soft embrace of the sun’s rays beats the cold smack of winter anytime.

Your friend,

LuLu

Funky Fido Party Time!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Last night was great! When your parents took you to the park Babbie and I had a couple of friends over. I like friends.

Friends are fun. Until they eat all of your food or take your ball. Then friends are stupid.

You and I are best friends, right? Friends share dinner. You can have my food and I can have yours, right?

Dog friends are crazy. Or is it bad? I heard that bad means good, but that doesn’t seem right. When your mom says “bad dog” it doesn’t seem like she’s happy.

My friends and I danced to your sister’s disco cd. I’m telling you, poodles may look funny but they sure can dance. The Funky Chicken became the Funky Fido!

Someone filled the bubble blower with whipped cream instead of bubbles. I laughed so hard I almost lifted a leg! 

We jumped to catch the cream in our mouths. It was awesome! Babbie got covered in cream splatter, but she licked herself clean. It was like a bonus!

She’s kind of sticky now. We all offered to help her her lick her fur but she refused. She gets weird about dogs licking her rear end. Weird. Sniffs are okay, but licks make her grumpy.

Babbie had stashed some food under the couch. Remember when your mom got mad ‘cuz somebody ate all the leftover ham? Yeah, sort of sorry about that. We wanted to have food for our friends.

See what I said there? Friends give food to other friends. Like ham, and chicken, and steak, and whatever your mom cooks for dinner. Except that spaghetti squash stuff.

The sauce was good, but that was NOT spaghetti. Just plain weird.

LuLu and Trixie were totally rude. They wouldn’t come downstairs at all. One of the poodles made a joke about cat pinatas and they got all mad. It was a joke!

We weren’t going to hit the cats to see if Pupperoni or something came out. I don’t want to know WHAT would come out of LuLu if we hit her with a bat. Her eyes are brown and green for a reason. Yuck.

Have fun at school. Don’t forget what I said about sharing food!

Your friend,

Jamie

Shave the dogs!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Wednesday was ROTTEN. Your mom wouldn’t let me put candy canes on the dogs to make them smell better. She didn’t seem to understand that I was only trying to help! Those candy canes have been on the counter for a month! Nobody wants them anyway, so why can’t I repurpose them?

Since she wouldn’t let me tape the peppermint to the dogs, I got out your dad’s razor. I thought that I could shave off all the dogs’ hair and maybe that would get rid of the wet dog stench. Even if shaving them bald didn’t help the smell, I’d still get to laugh at them for being furless. Either way it seemed like a great plan.

Well, your mom caught me chasing the dogs with the razor in my mouth. She was NOT a happy lady. First, she used a lot of those sentence enhancer words, the kind that upset your granny so much. Then, she took the razor away and then gave the dogs a treat.

Can you believe that?!! She gave them a TREAT—just for being smelly, stinky, slobbering creatures who were too dumb to get shaved by a cat. I’m telling you, your mom is really unfair, I might even have to move. I wonder what it’s like for cats in Russia. Maybe I could move there. I bet Russian cats get to shave their dogs. Yeesh!

I noticed that your mom is making chicken tonight. Maybe I’ll stay. See if she can throw a few rats into the recipe for me, okay? You haven’t set a place for me at the dining room table, so yet again I will have to walk across it when the meal is served. I have made it clear, time and time again, that I need my own chair.

I clawed a chair in the living room as a clear symbol of ownership. Notice that no one says anything when I sleep in that chair! Yet when everyone sits down in the hoity-toity dining room I am expected to get of the table or leave the chair that gets the sun through the window. Don’t think I haven’t noticed, and do not presume that I am not offended. Assume that I am ALWAYS offended. It makes life easier for all of us; well, at least it makes life easier for me.

I watch everything that goes on. One of these days you may need to know something important, like where your mom hides presents, where she secrets the good candy, and where she keeps the cat treats, and you’ll need a favor from me. Just think about it. You scratch my fur, I’ll scratch yours.

I might decide to scratch you anyway. You just never know.

Have a good day at school & don’t forget my rats,

LuLu

Candy canes & duct tape!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

You DO NOT want to know what LuLu and her sister Trixie were doing this morning!

Well, I’m gonna tell you anyway. I have to tell someone, and I don’t have any stamps so I can’t mail these letters to anyone. Besides, who’d believe me? LuLu always looks so innocent! 

There Babbie and I were, sleeping on protecting the couch.  LuLu and Trixie started to circle us. They claimed that they wanted to be friends, and they offered us jerky treats. They said it was a peace offering because they wanted to be friends. As if!

Then, when we got on the floor to grab the treats, they jumped on us!  Babbie and I ran different ways as fast as we could. Everything was crazy—it was like living in a nightmare, only we couldn’t wake up to stop it!

LuLu and Trixie were chasing us this way and that. They were yelling, “Rah, rah, rah! Seize the Pests!” I think that Babbie and I are “the Pests”. But I’m not sure why. We don’t pester anyone. Everyone loves us—don’t they? It’s so confusing!

LuLu was carrying duct tape and leftover peppermint canes the whole time and saying something about wet dog smell, which is just silly. Everyone knows that wet dogs smell better than dry ones. She kept trying to hold us down and tape the candy canes to us!

LuLu has just gone crazy—or crazier, if that’s possible.

I have to go into hiding now. Babbie and I found out that the cats won’t come near the bathtub if the water’s running. We don’t like it either, since we don’t want to take a bath, but it’s the only room that’s safe. The cats only go into the bathroom if your mom is using the toilet, so I figure we’re good for a while, right?

We’ve kept the cold water turned on so we can have a nice drink while we wait for your mom to get home. Hopefully she’ll find out what’s going on. I’d like to see LuLu chase your mom with duct tape!

Your canine friend who needs HELPPPPPP!!!!

Jamie

Cat resolutions aren’t a good thing

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

WOW. Just WOW. This New Year is starting off just plain WEIRD!

First, your neighbor got so sloshed that he set fire to that big tree in the back! Seriously, fireworks, guns, and vodka are not a good mix!

Mind you, it was kind of funny to watch the dog cry. She really liked that tree! (Dogs are gross, am I right? Use a litter box like a normal person!)

The next day your mom went NUTS; actually she went more than that! What would that be nuts and crackers? Bonkers? One pound of kibble short of a full bag?

She went out to shop, so I’m thinking, great! She’ll get treats and meaties and other yummy things. Nope! Your mom brought home this ginormous box, and she and your dad spent three hours putting it together. Your mom uses swear words. A LOT. She calls them sentence enhancers, but I’m not so sure!

They put together this weird thing that looked like moving road; they called it a treadmill. Your mom kept saying that they would have to keep their resolution to exercise this year since they have invested a lot of money on this dumb thing.

Ummmmmm, your mom knows that the road she drives on outside is free, right? Why can’t they use THAT?

So first your mom gets on it. I had a bet with my sister kitten Trixie that your mom would collapse after a minute, but I lost. Your mom did a full fifteen minutes! She also did a lot more swearing, so I guess the machine works on legs AND mouth???

It gets better. Babbie, that stupid Jack Russell Terrier (more like a terrorist) your mom adores and lets sleep on her bed (GROSS), wanted to try it. Babbie loves to run! Problem is, Babbie couldn’t reach the “on” button, so I decided to help.

Babbie and Jamie were pawing at the buttons but neither could get it to work ‘cuz you have to hit two buttons at the same time. I had Jamie push the “start” button while I pressed the “speed” button. (Dogs never learn.)

Babbie went flying! It was AWESOME! I might have accidentally pressed the speed button to go at the top level! Whoops! My bad!

Stupid Jamie decided that I had tried to kill Babbie on purpose and started chasing me. I knocked off so much stuff! I missed a vase and had to double-back to swipe it. When your mom & dad came running, Trixie and I skidaddled like we were cat-shaped wind.

Jamie and Babbie got blamed for EVERYTHING! All those hideous hounds could do was look sad while your mom & dad scolded them. Trixie and I were “asleep” in our basket, so your parents were sure that we weren’t involved.

While your mom cleaned up the room and the broken glass she used more of those swear words she says keep her from hitting people. The best entertainment really is homemade, am I right?

So, since everyone is having a resolution for the New Year, I am making one too. I solemnly pledge to cause as much trouble for the dogs as possible, and to throw up in a different family member’s shoes every week. What is life without goals???

Love & fishes,

LuLu

Boozy New Years = New Tree

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

The last few days have been, well, just weird. Boneless and bizarre! I thought Christmas was strange, but this “New Year” idea is even stranger!

So last week everyone stayed up past midnight watching celebrations on television. There was extra food, which was awesome, but there were extra noises, which were NOT awesome.

People were outside shooting off fireworks and guns! I was scared out of my mind!!! You know the guy next door who keeps a rowboat in his backyard? The guy that your mom says has a drinking problem? He set his tree on fire! Personally, I don’t think he has a problem; he seems to drink a lot very quickly, like a pro!  He could give lessons!

He set off fireworks AND shot a gun into the air at the same time! I’m not sure how it happened, but suddenly this poor old tree went up in flames, bare branches and all! A bunch of people came into the yard running and shouting, but your neighbor just climbed into his boat and laughed.

He raised his bottle in the air; your mom said he was toasting the stars, whatever that means. Then he just kept taking swigs from his bottle and laughing while he watched the fire department come and spray water on the tree.  Talk about professionals! They did it a lot better than I could ever do.

I know you probably freaked out a little when your mom panicked and grabbed you and your siblings and threw clothes & stuff into a bag, but she had a point. We might have had to leave our house or worse, our food! Fortunately, no one was hurt, except the tree.

Your neighbor yelled a lot when the police came and put him in handcuffs. He kept saying that since no one got hurt it was no big deal, but I think the police thought otherwise. They told his wife she would need to come to the station for a while. She did NOT look happy about this.

He came back the next morning, did you see? Apparently, the neighbors have a dog! I never met him, but they must have one because your neighbor’s wife kept yelling that he was “in the doghouse now!”

So, who is this dog? Why haven’t I met him? Are the neighbors going to replace that tree? It was one of my favorite leg-lifter places, so I’d hate to see it go.

For what it’s worth, happy New Year. Let’s go somewhere else next time? Please?


Love,
Jamie

Banish the house-hounds!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Your dumb dog is confused. Again. That is not totally surprising, but what shocks me is that everyone finds it amusing.

Your stupid dog Jamie has decided that your mom gets grumpy because she’s allergic to meat. That’s not even possible! Jamie has been stalking your mom in the kitchen. Every time your mom has out bacon, chicken, or fish, Jamie tries to snatch it away.

Now me, I find this annoying. If anyone is getting extra fish around here it should be me!!! But your mom says it’s cute. She doesn’t let anyone scold Jamie because she’s (and I quote) “just being a dog”. PUH-LEASE!!!

That dog knows EXACTLY what she’s doing, and I do not appreciate it! ALL FISH IN THIS HOUSE BELONGS TO ME! Speaking of which, when are you building a fish pond? I’ve heard your parents are meeting with landscapers next week. This better be about my fish pond! Fresh fish is very healthy for cats!

Look, your mom is grumpy for one reason: THE DOGS!

Think about it: the dogs have to go outside at 5a.m. every morning, when most of us are starting to go to bed! If your mom has the nerve to go to the bathroom by herself, the dogs claw and whine at the bathroom door. She gets NO personal time!

If your mom is petting me (as she is supposed to do), the dogs watch and wait. They just want to chase me as soon as she puts me down, so your (not-getting-any-younger) mom has to walk to the other side of the child gates to make sure that I’m not harassed by the dogs’ obnoxiousness.

Face it, dogs make life difficult. Jamie thinks your mom needs de-worming and that she’s allergic to meat. I think your mom is allergic to foolishness and needs to get rid of the dogs. Trust me, once those two drool-factories are gone your mom will be much happier!

I’ll go pack the dog toys, you figure out how to get those house-hounds out of our home.

Problem solved! You’re welcome!

Your only true friend (unlike the dogs),

LuLu

The Pirate-Meat Protection Promise

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Despite all the crazy human-ness of Christmas, it wasn’t a bad holiday. Babbie and I got some great new toys, plus everyone kept dropping prime rib when we were under the table!

I know your mom told you guys to stop giving us food from your plates, but just so you know she gave us some too.

She’s funny like that sometimes. She tells you not to do something and then she does it herself. Weird.

She also did this crazy thing where she threw out the shrimp dip after the cats were eating from the bowl. Crazy, am I right?!!! The cats live indoors, so they’re clean-ish. Plus, it’s the true sign of respect and shrimpiness that the cats went for the dip at all.

Your mom has been doing this weird “training” thing where she gives us treats for doing stupid stuff like sitting down and stopping barking. Maybe it’s another sign that she needs some kind of intervention. First, she gives us yumminess, then she gets upset when we try to get it ourselves!

I tried to help her clean the broiler pan after she had served the meat. There was all of that meat juice and meaty bits just waiting to be cleaned up. I figured that I would help her out by licking the pan clean. You know what she did? She got all grouchy at me!

Sometimes she’s super nice and shares, other times she’s yelly and crabby! It doesn’t make sense! Do you think it could be a food allergy? Those seem to be popular these days! I bet she’s allergic to meat!

That would be AWESOME! I could then eat her meat for her, and she could stop being monstery! This is an amazing plan!

I realize it sounds like I’m being selfish, but I’m really not. It’s your mom and your family that I’m thinking about. I can protect you from pirates, from burglars, and from meat! Done!

I’ll go check the fridge and see what I can do to save you!

Love & bacon bits,

Jamie

Christmas & fish head stockings

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Well, it’s Christmas Day.

I wasn’t gonna write a letter to you today because you aren’t at school and you don’t use your lunchbox at home, but then I realized that I needed to write to you today.

The greatest gift you could ever have in your life is me, right? RIGHT? I mean, I am kind of fabulous (by fabulous I mean AWESOME!) and I feel sure these letters from me just make your day. Heck, who knows where you would be without me? You’d probably just be sitting at your stupid lunch table, secretly wishing that you had some tuna.

So, here I am despite this so-called holiday. A holiday! As if! If it’s a holiday then why are so many humans in my house disturbing my nap time? What kind of stupid holiday doesn’t include sleep??? What’s worse, your sister came downstairs EARLY!!!

I was busy all night trying to wreck play with the ornaments and destroy fix the decorations, so I need my sleep! Instead, your sister comes giggling down the stairs and runs to the stocking to see what’s inside. It’s nothing interesting. Seriously, I already checked!

She got some Sailor Moon stickers, bubble gum, a lollipop, coloring pencils, and a video game, but that was it! Not one packet of tuna or fish snacks! I’m not sure why you all get so obsessed with this “Santa” guy anyway. No fish means no care, that’s all I’m sayin’. If he really loved you kids there would have been a fish head or some shrimp in those stockings. Video games and chocolate are lousy gifts!

Mind you, he did give her Hello Kitty bandages. I’m not sure that cat is real (what cat wears clothing???) but at least it is a nod towards my superior species. Your stocking wasn’t any better. Video games, chocolates, and a button that makes fart noises.

Big whoop. If I want to hear fart noises I’ll just listen to the dog. Same difference. Show your mom this letter and tell her that I said Santa is lame. Fish heads are all the rage and should be in everyone’s stockings next year!

By the way  I would like to thank you for the cat treats and the new scratching post (only ‘cuz Trixie says that if I say thank you I will get more gifts). I still plan to use the couch for my daily clawing exercises, but you showed your willingness to spend a lot of money on me. You didn’t spend enough money, but you spent some, and that’s a start.

I will keep that in mind. For now, and for what it’s worth, I sort of kind of sometimes begrudgingly love you and your family, and even this dumb house. I have to. All my stuff is here.

Merry Christmas human!
LuLu

You owe belly rubs & bacon!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

It seems like I am in trouble. Again. Is this going to be a regular Christmas thing?

LuLu kept talking about presents, so I wanted to see if my name was on any of them. I didn’t see any gifts for me on top of the pile in the closet, but there will be some for me on Christmas day, right?

I am right, aren’t I? I mean, I am “Man’s best friend,” although that name is kind of stupid. I’m everyone’s best friend, you know that!

I want to be friends with everybody, you, your brother, your sister, your parents, and anyone who has ham. Or bacon. Or any kind of food, really. Except vegetables. I don’t understand those things. Why go the store to buy cucumbers and carrots when there is perfectly good grass on the lawn? Humans are weird. Or is a social status thing? Strange.

What was I talking about before? OHHHH..gifts!

Okay, so here’s why I’m confused. Again. You and your little brother went up to the closet to check out the gifts with me. You shook them to figure out what was inside and you both made guesses. So I tried to help. I’m nice like that!

I started to rip and chew open the packages for you to help you out! And you got upset!!! COME ON, you weren’t going to figure anything out just by shaking boxes. You don’t have super-sensitive sonar ears like us dogs, you just have regular human kid hearing, and that doesn’t work half the time.

Your mom tells you fifteen times to clean up your room and you don’t hear her until she grabs your i-dog thingy (or is it i-penguin? I never can remember.) The point is, your hearing is useless when trying to discover what is inside a wrapped box.

You need teeth and claws for that! I hate to sound gripey like that cat LuLu, but I really need an apology this time. You yelled when I was trying to help you! I want an apology. Or bacon. Or both. OOH!!! You could apologize while feeding me bacon, followed by a tummy rub! That would be perfect!

I’ll be in the kitchen, waiting!
Jamie