Shave the dogs!

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Wednesday was ROTTEN. Your mom wouldn’t let me put candy canes on the dogs to make them smell better. She didn’t seem to understand that I was only trying to help! Those candy canes have been on the counter for a month! Nobody wants them anyway, so why can’t I repurpose them?

Since she wouldn’t let me tape the peppermint to the dogs, I got out your dad’s razor. I thought that I could shave off all the dogs’ hair and maybe that would get rid of the wet dog stench. Even if shaving them bald didn’t help the smell, I’d still get to laugh at them for being furless. Either way it seemed like a great plan.

Well, your mom caught me chasing the dogs with the razor in my mouth. She was NOT a happy lady. First, she used a lot of those sentence enhancer words, the kind that upset your granny so much. Then, she took the razor away and then gave the dogs a treat.

Can you believe that?!! She gave them a TREAT—just for being smelly, stinky, slobbering creatures who were too dumb to get shaved by a cat. I’m telling you, your mom is really unfair, I might even have to move. I wonder what it’s like for cats in Russia. Maybe I could move there. I bet Russian cats get to shave their dogs. Yeesh!

I noticed that your mom is making chicken tonight. Maybe I’ll stay. See if she can throw a few rats into the recipe for me, okay? You haven’t set a place for me at the dining room table, so yet again I will have to walk across it when the meal is served. I have made it clear, time and time again, that I need my own chair.

I clawed a chair in the living room as a clear symbol of ownership. Notice that no one says anything when I sleep in that chair! Yet when everyone sits down in the hoity-toity dining room I am expected to get of the table or leave the chair that gets the sun through the window. Don’t think I haven’t noticed, and do not presume that I am not offended. Assume that I am ALWAYS offended. It makes life easier for all of us; well, at least it makes life easier for me.

I watch everything that goes on. One of these days you may need to know something important, like where your mom hides presents, where she secrets the good candy, and where she keeps the cat treats, and you’ll need a favor from me. Just think about it. You scratch my fur, I’ll scratch yours.

I might decide to scratch you anyway. You just never know.

Have a good day at school & don’t forget my rats,

LuLu

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