The Pirate-Meat Protection Promise

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Despite all the crazy human-ness of Christmas, it wasn’t a bad holiday. Babbie and I got some great new toys, plus everyone kept dropping prime rib when we were under the table!

I know your mom told you guys to stop giving us food from your plates, but just so you know she gave us some too.

She’s funny like that sometimes. She tells you not to do something and then she does it herself. Weird.

She also did this crazy thing where she threw out the shrimp dip after the cats were eating from the bowl. Crazy, am I right?!!! The cats live indoors, so they’re clean-ish. Plus, it’s the true sign of respect and shrimpiness that the cats went for the dip at all.

Your mom has been doing this weird “training” thing where she gives us treats for doing stupid stuff like sitting down and stopping barking. Maybe it’s another sign that she needs some kind of intervention. First, she gives us yumminess, then she gets upset when we try to get it ourselves!

I tried to help her clean the broiler pan after she had served the meat. There was all of that meat juice and meaty bits just waiting to be cleaned up. I figured that I would help her out by licking the pan clean. You know what she did? She got all grouchy at me!

Sometimes she’s super nice and shares, other times she’s yelly and crabby! It doesn’t make sense! Do you think it could be a food allergy? Those seem to be popular these days! I bet she’s allergic to meat!

That would be AWESOME! I could then eat her meat for her, and she could stop being monstery! This is an amazing plan!

I realize it sounds like I’m being selfish, but I’m really not. It’s your mom and your family that I’m thinking about. I can protect you from pirates, from burglars, and from meat! Done!

I’ll go check the fridge and see what I can do to save you!

Love & bacon bits,



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