Christmas & fish head stockings

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Well, it’s Christmas Day.

I wasn’t gonna write a letter to you today because you aren’t at school and you don’t use your lunchbox at home, but then I realized that I needed to write to you today.

The greatest gift you could ever have in your life is me, right? RIGHT? I mean, I am kind of fabulous (by fabulous I mean AWESOME!) and I feel sure these letters from me just make your day. Heck, who knows where you would be without me? You’d probably just be sitting at your stupid lunch table, secretly wishing that you had some tuna.

So, here I am despite this so-called holiday. A holiday! As if! If it’s a holiday then why are so many humans in my house disturbing my nap time? What kind of stupid holiday doesn’t include sleep??? What’s worse, your sister came downstairs EARLY!!!

I was busy all night trying to wreck play with the ornaments and destroy fix the decorations, so I need my sleep! Instead, your sister comes giggling down the stairs and runs to the stocking to see what’s inside. It’s nothing interesting. Seriously, I already checked!

She got some Sailor Moon stickers, bubble gum, a lollipop, coloring pencils, and a video game, but that was it! Not one packet of tuna or fish snacks! I’m not sure why you all get so obsessed with this “Santa” guy anyway. No fish means no care, that’s all I’m sayin’. If he really loved you kids there would have been a fish head or some shrimp in those stockings. Video games and chocolate are lousy gifts!

Mind you, he did give her Hello Kitty bandages. I’m not sure that cat is real (what cat wears clothing???) but at least it is a nod towards my superior species. Your stocking wasn’t any better. Video games, chocolates, and a button that makes fart noises.

Big whoop. If I want to hear fart noises I’ll just listen to the dog. Same difference. Show your mom this letter and tell her that I said Santa is lame. Fish heads are all the rage and should be in everyone’s stockings next year!

By the way  I would like to thank you for the cat treats and the new scratching post (only ‘cuz Trixie says that if I say thank you I will get more gifts). I still plan to use the couch for my daily clawing exercises, but you showed your willingness to spend a lot of money on me. You didn’t spend enough money, but you spent some, and that’s a start.

I will keep that in mind. For now, and for what it’s worth, I sort of kind of sometimes begrudgingly love you and your family, and even this dumb house. I have to. All my stuff is here.

Merry Christmas human!
LuLu

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