You owe belly rubs & bacon!

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

It seems like I am in trouble. Again. Is this going to be a regular Christmas thing?

LuLu kept talking about presents, so I wanted to see if my name was on any of them. I didn’t see any gifts for me on top of the pile in the closet, but there will be some for me on Christmas day, right?

I am right, aren’t I? I mean, I am “Man’s best friend,” although that name is kind of stupid. I’m everyone’s best friend, you know that!

I want to be friends with everybody, you, your brother, your sister, your parents, and anyone who has ham. Or bacon. Or any kind of food, really. Except vegetables. I don’t understand those things. Why go the store to buy cucumbers and carrots when there is perfectly good grass on the lawn? Humans are weird. Or is a social status thing? Strange.

What was I talking about before?!

Okay, so here’s why I’m confused. Again. You and your little brother went up to the closet to check out the gifts with me. You shook them to figure out what was inside and you both made guesses. So I tried to help. I’m nice like that!

I started to rip and chew open the packages for you to help you out! And you got upset!!! COME ON, you weren’t going to figure anything out just by shaking boxes. You don’t have super-sensitive sonar ears like us dogs, you just have regular human kid hearing, and that doesn’t work half the time.

Your mom tells you fifteen times to clean up your room and you don’t hear her until she grabs your i-dog thingy (or is it i-penguin? I never can remember.) The point is, your hearing is useless when trying to discover what is inside a wrapped box.

You need teeth and claws for that! I hate to sound gripey like that cat LuLu, but I really need an apology this time. You yelled when I was trying to help you! I want an apology. Or bacon. Or both. OOH!!! You could apologize while feeding me bacon, followed by a tummy rub! That would be perfect!

I’ll be in the kitchen, waiting!


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