New cat = I hate all of you

A cat typing at a computer.
Letter by Claire McElvaney
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Well, it’s official. I hate you. All of you.

I know that your teacher wants me to type yet another life lesson, but your teacher can go torch her tuna, I am MAD!

How DARE you bring another cat into this house! Who in the halibut do you think you are??? This is not YOUR house, this is MY house!

YES, I have seen that pathetic creature meowing outside in the streets and going through your trash can to find food. And YES, I get that she was outside shaking in the icy sleet get her head pelted with raining ice chips. Catch her and take her to get chip-checked? Fine. Get a vet to look for her (wasting money that should have been spent on me)? Okay, maybe.

BUT KEEPING HER??? Um, NO!!!

There are shelters and rescues for that sort of thing! Do we look like a charity to you? Your parents don’t have enough money to build the fish pond I have asked for, so why would they risk having another mouth to feed?

WORSE, you let her take my room! Oh sure, your parents call it their office, but I nap in there! I play in there! The sun hits the back of the chair perfectly and now that trash-tripping-tarradiddle-trope of a feline is roasting HER backside on what is MY spot!!!

FINE, your stinky teacher wants another Psychology lesson? Let’s remind you all about in group versus out group! I am part of the in group of this family. She is part of the out group, no matter what your parents say. In group means the community that you are a part of and out group means everyone else, especially interlopers. It is natural to resent members of the out group because they might take resources meant for the resources. When humans act that way it’s mean and just plain dumb, but in my case it’s true! You are sharing MY treats and MY laps with that hellish hissing hussy!

I belong here. She doesn’t.

Don’t give me all of that-she’s-family-now malarky. Don’t act like giving me extra attention and treats is going to fix this either. I don’t care that she has no home and no chip. I don’t care that it is cold and snowing or that there are coyotes outside. I especially don’t care that no one claimed her when your mom posted her stupid found poster.

That tramp-cat needs to be lost again! Get her out! I want my room back!!! I’m the ONLY pretty girl here!!!

This is not going to end well for you! You have been warned!!!

In anger,

LuLu the LIVID Calico Cat

Ignore the suckage, be thankful!

A cat typing at a computer.
Letter by Claire McElvaney Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

I am glad that your teacher FINALLY remembered to send me tuna! She asked that this week I discuss thankfulness. No problem! I am sure that she is thankful for me and my letters, just as you are, and just as you should be!

You humans always show that you don’t really understand thankfulness. I’ve seen your ads on television. You’re not the only one who can work a remote! The message that commercials and spokes-fools shout about is how to GET more, BE more, and whoever has MORE wins! Geez, no wonder you humans are never happy!!! Everyone tells you that you’re not happy enough!!!

You go straight from Halloween to Christmas. Thanksgiving seems to be more of a transition holiday that just lets everyone have another food-related event before the bigger Christmas holiday.

Seriously, have you ever paid attention to the conversations at the Thanksgiving table? Everyone takes all of five seconds to say what they are thankful for and then BAM! The conversation changes to planning for Christmas, or shopping for Black Friday, or even Cyber Monday! It’s all about the MORE and less about the satisfaction and thankfulness for having what you’ve got!

Now okay, I get that there’s a debate about the history of Thanksgiving and whether it is a good or bad event, but the modern spirit behind Thanksgiving is right. Families should get together more often, eat lots of turkey, and appreciate what they have. But they never really do! They’re always so busy rushing and fussing to make everything “perfect”! And instead of just enjoying the time they have they shift their focus onto the next thing to come!

Live in the moment I say!

Let me help you out baby-kittens! I am gonna teach you and your classmates how to have year-long Thanksgiving! Ask yourself if you have food. Is the answer yes? Like, if you went to bed hungry was it because you didn’t have food, or was it because you couldn’t make yourself eat that bizarre salt-brined casserole your dad made last night? (Seriously, even the dogs wouldn’t eat it!) If your clothes get dirty, do you have other clothes to war? (Don’t panic—I won’t tell anyone about your Naruto cosplay!) When you come home, do you have somewhere safe in the home? Can you leave your stuff in your room and feel okay, like no one will take it?

If you can answer yes to at least two of those you have a LOT to be thankful for! This kind of stuff seems like your “normal” but you have a lot of things other kids don’t have! Okay, so maybe it would be nice to be rich or be able to do whatever you want, whenever you want, but can you maybe—just maybe—be glad for what you have now?

Yes, your parents are total dorks and yes, sometimes things are soaked in suckage, but you still have a lot of good things like those stink-bomb pest-hounds, your siblings, and ME! If you have nothing else you have the world’s most wonderful cat in your life and my sister Trixie, so you should be thankful more than one day a year. You should be thankful every second!!! You’re welcome!!!
LuLu the Yes-I-Can-Be-Bribed-With-Tuna Calico Cat

P.S. If you want to eat turkey at Thanksgiving, good luck! I have plans for it!!!

All humans are addicts!

A cat typing at a computer.
Letter by Claire McElvaney
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

Well, even though your teacher forgot my tuna for today’s letter, I am writing to you anyway because WOW you humans have problems! What is WRONG with you human-people???

Never mind, I already know. You guys are addicts! Seriously! ALL OF YOU!

You’re addicted to sweets, coffee, and pills! I’ve never seen anything like it, and I’m a cat!

First, your parents wake up and have coffee. They act all grumpy and mean until they get their brown java bean juice! Then, they suddenly act nicer! Hello—addicted much?

Then they go out of the house and later come home with more coffee!!! Day in and day out it’s coffee, coffee, coffee! You know that coffee is a drug, right? Your mom’s silly Psychology book says that drugs are anything that changes your brain or body. If your parents go from monsters to mouses because of coffee, ergo, coffee is a drug!

But wait—there’s more! Your t.v. has ads for all sorts of rainbow relaxer-style pills! There’s pills if you need to calm down, pills if you need more energy, pills if you can’t go to the bathroom, and pills if you go too much!!! If the pill factories shut down the world would shut down too!

The other day when your mom was watching some stupid show all of these commercials came on one right after the other, and none of them seemed to agree on anything! Some wanted you to sleep more but others wanted you to sleep less. Feeling sad? Grab a pill! So happy that they think you’re manic? Grab a different pill!

Then there’s the food ads!!!

This crunchy snack is just what you’re craving, unless it isn’t! Then you want this sweet cake or that u-mama noodle or the soba soybean surprise. While I respect the concept of having constant yumminess, you human-people have these bizarre extremes where you have to have bright colors and candies on top of perfectly ordinary things plus lots and lots of variety. You’d never make it in the feline world, I can tell you that one for sure!


Humans have never learned to manage emotions and physical urges. It’s way too obvious from all the in-your-face advertising. Let me help you understand why you humans are wrong, baby kitten.


Cats do not need constant food variety. Sure, we don’t mind the occasional extra treat, but our variety is more about toys and mental activities. With food, consistency ensures a clean plate and a semi-clean litterbox. We want our regular diet at regular times. If, on occasion, you have food we want like turkey or chicken, we know how to get it for ourselves. You can’t guard the table every second!


Cats rarely need pills, and then it is only the sickest cats. You humans are so used to using pills that you never even think to try other things first. Sometimes changing a diet, sleeping more, less screen time, or even a bit of exercise can help right your tilted windmill of a mind. But do you try to stretch or get balanced when you have a headache? Nope! You people go straight for the plastic bottle filled with terrible tablets that curl my whiskers when I get near them.

See, cats don’t need a sugar-rush or a tush-tabs because we understand the importance of processing our emotions. If we’re angry, we strike. If you scare us, we bite. If we get sad, we may (may) use you for a quick cuddle. Then we’ll swipe you after so you don’t get too self-important.

If we can’t sleep and it’s 3a.m. we don’t panic and pill-pop! We race around and around the house and knock over a few things until we’re finally exhausted and contented enough to curl back up into our own cushy furry body-woven blanket. I can sleep for HOURS after a good rip and roar around the house!

That’s why we don’t constantly need pills or drinks or desserts. Face it. Cats are just happier than humans!

Is it any wonder that you humans don’t have much in the way of real-world survival skills? You can’t function without pill-popping, coffee-sludge-slurping, and snack time! If you really want to survive, give up your addictions and learn to be a cat. You’ll be much happier baby-kittens!

I’m off for a well-deserved nap!
LuLu the Calico Cat

Multi-factorial idiocy

A cat typing at a computer.
Letter by Claire McElvaney
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

Well, THAT didn’t work out as planned! I thought your teacher would get annoyed that I’m so blunt, but the silly human thinks that I just show a-how did she put it?-“strength of character and understanding of my personal truth!” GEEZ!!! 

I just want to talk about fish and get gifts (for me, of course) and instead she wants me to continue to lead you human-children up the wisdom mountain-top! I do not have time for you human people, don’t you know how difficult a cat’s life already is?

I have to nap several times a day, eat several times a day, and run around the house at 3a.m.! Do you not realize how much is involved in knocking plants and dishes off of the shelves while everyone is sleeping? It takes physical strength, inner determination, and mental planning. My life is not easy!!!

So FINE, I will teach you more. Plus you’ve been bringing home more pouches of tuna from your teachers and classmates, and I have to admit that I can be bought. Well, I can be borrowed for an hour or until my next nap.

Last time I talked how idiotic the world has gotten (big surprise!)

Everyone is a panic about shipping times and getting packages filled with stuff they don’t really need. Quite frankly, if it isn’t a case of tuna or turkey-flavored Temptations cat treats, I really don’t care what happens to those shipments. But if you really want to understand the situation, I will give you a term most humans don’t understand, multifactorial causation.

Great term, am I right???

See, adult-humans try to tell you poor human-kittens that “this politician” caused something or “that policy” made stuff go wrong, but it’s never that easy! There’s a complex process happening!

Let me put it into an example you can better understand. Remember when that lizard got into the house last week? Sure, you saw me pounce and catch it not once but twice! It was an awesome game! I released it, your mom screamed, and I chased it again! Snap! Straight into my feline jaws for a quick moment!

NOW…do you think that was easy? Heck, no!

I had to determine the lizard’s leg span, his potential running speed based on his body type and age, I had to analyze the sunlight patterns in the room to better understand if he would swish-tail towards the triple window or slashy-slink under the couch near the darker double window.

That takes a lot of brain power, and that’s before the chase begins! I had microseconds to perform a mental catabolic interpretation of the data. Not easy, little ones, not easy! Then I have to factor in my own pounce rate and how I will need to set up my bounce-and-pounce routine based on the furniture placement.

Adding to all of that was the confounding variable of how the lizard might react to your mother’s panicked screeches as they echoed up to the ceiling and ball-bounced on the walls! Catching lizards is serious business!!!

The triumph of catching the tasty treat has multi-factorial causation, and all of the points must converge while all the planets align in just such a meticulous manner that then allows for munching of said intruder!

SOOOO…when people are panicking and looking for a one-source solution to a problem with multi-factorial causation, YOU baby-kittens, need to set them right.

You want to survive the up-and-coming chaos? Learn to work together. Stop worrying about who is to blame and start looking at how you ALL can fix the situation!!! Multi-factors need multi-approaches, so fix this! I HAVE SPOKEN!!!

And now I’m exhausted, so now I will nap!

Ciao baby kittens!
LuLu the Calico Cat

Groupthink is Goopthink!

A cat typing at a computer.
Letter by Claire McElvaney
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

Well, here I am again, acting like I care about you. I do and I don’t, it’s complicated. Yeah, you’re my human family and on rare occasions you serve me well (usually at breakfast time, lunch time, snack time, and dinner time) but there are other moments that you annoy the litterbox out of me.

It’s very difficult being a wise, dignified, ancient creature when everyone around you tries to pet you while you’re napping and calls you a “sweet little kitty.” UGH!!!! I will accept Devine Goddess Feline or even Queen Calico LuLu, but “sweet kitty” is demeaning and insulting. IT HAS TO STOP!

Now, your semi-foolish teacher FINALLY understood my hint and has sent some cat treats. That officially makes me a paid author now, am I right??? I have to develop my CV to reflect this! For that reason (yes, I can be bribed) I will consent to imparting my Psychology wisdom to you yet again. Everyone else gets paid to teach, so why shouldn’t I?

The prophets got offerings of food and various rich-type gifts, so it is only fitting that when I share my wisdom you share your wealth via foods, gifts, or even a credit card that I can use online for one of the animal-devoted web sites. (FYI your mom’s credit card now has zero credit available—not sure why, since it turns out that “1000 live mice” option was pick-up only, so they cancelled the order this morning! Wilting whiskers! You can’t trust anybody!)

My online shopping for myself made me pay attention when those weird talking head-people on the news were discussing Christmas-buying worries and how everything is going to be delayed or not be available at all.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love and DEMAND Christmas gifts, but I think you humans panic yourself into your problems! Think about it: someone says stuff is going to be hard to get, so everyone goes all beheaded-chicken-crazy and starts blindly running around to buy everything in sight! Ridunculous!

This is groupthink at its worst! Groupthink is a fancy way of saying that everyone in a mob achieves the same conclusion whether or not the conclusion is logical. You humans have heard there may be less items available or shipped in time to place under your Christmas trees, so instead of enjoying the harvest season you are flipping out and buying everything you can for a holiday that is two months away.

It’s just like the toilet paper thing! Everyone hears there’s going to a shortage on toilet paper, so everyone panics and buys as much as they can!

HELLO!!! Ever heard of rationing your supplies to make them last? Did World War II teach you people nothing about learning to preserve and carefully use what you have? Did the rationing back then mean that people had a little less? Of course it did! But seeing as new generations of foolish humans were created from those who made it through World War II it is quite clear that staying calm and sensibly planning ahead made all of the difference. Having less and being careful with what you already had meant that you could survive. No panic was required!

Now, will Christmas be less fun if you have one less terroristic-noise-making toy or glow-in-the-dark didgeridoo? Possibly! But if everyone you love is alive and safe, who flipping cares?

Seriously, I never thought I would advocate that everyone pay attention to the wisdom of some whackadoodle human who created a furry green monster who terrorized a town, but that Dr. Seuss fellow was right. Christmas should be more than the stuff. It should be about the moment.

STOP PANICKING. IGNORE GROUPTHINK. You humans are making your own problems! Enjoy what you have and tell others to do that as well.

You have your family, you have the other dumbo pets, and you have your magnificent Calico Queen Goddess Divine Prophet Cat LuLu, i.e., ME. You already have everything. By the way, I may add to my title later, I like how it sounds!

Since everyone else is looking towards what will happen at Christmas, I will be planning the future of Thanksgiving. Don’t plan on eating turkey—I have plans of my own that will confiscate your tasty bird!

Be an individual! Ignore groupthink! Buy me some treats!

Ciao!

LuLu  the Calico Queen Goddess Divine Prophet Cat

Narcissists=Insta-ham and good deeds!

A cat typing at a computer.
Letter by Claire McElvaney
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

You and your teacher disgust me. Seriously!

For one tiny, barely significant bite of tuna I am expected to continue discussing Psychology? Mind you, EVEYRTHING is Psychology, but not everyone is capable of understanding it! Cats understand Psychology because we are experts on the topic. That’s how we control humans so easily.

It’s not that hard, you humans are pretty stupid.

You’re also narcissistic. That’s a MAJOR issue and how we control you. You think you are the most amazing creatures on the planet and you think that everything has some personal connection to YOU. YOU. YOU. YOU. You humans are all about the “YOU!”

Now, you and your silly friends are going to try to say that it isn’t true, that you care about the community, that you’re socially responsible, only buy from companies that support the environment, blah, blah, blechy-blah. Sure, you do these things.

You know what else you do? You post it on Insta-ham, Fish-book, Twattler, Tik-Lox, and other little social platforms.

Think about it, you do good only when others are watching!

Before you get all mad at me and give me some garbage about how you are just trying to inspire others to do more good works, look at what you are saying: If others look at what YOU do, THEY will do better.

Because. Of. YOU.

UMMMMM….Narcissism in action! Proof! Done! Drop the mic!

Well, drop the keyboard, which I can’t do, because your mom will start locking up her computer after that.

You humans and every celebrity in the world are litterboxes full of narcissism. If you really cared and wanted to do good things you would be out in the world DOING not just posting.

Some people are semi-decent, they only post once in a while. That’s not so bad. But the people who are on those platforms CONSTANTLY posting everything from what they do to what they eat are bogus.

Humans aren’t that difficult to understand. Do you really think that we adore you and purr when you are near because you’re so special? For halibut’s sake! Of course not!

We purr because you want to be adored, and then you think that you randomly give us treat and pets. PUH-LEASE!!! We purr-pull your strings!

Want to prove that I’m wrong? Do it! Do nice things for others and don’t post about it.

Okay, if you HAVE to post, make sure you post only post twice, once to ask others to come along and help and once when everything is done. But don’t post every minute or take 200 photos.

I bet you another tuna pouch it’ll be harder to get people to help with an anonymous community project than one they can put on their look-at-me-insta-resume.

See, that how cats know that humans are narcissists.

If you donate food to a food bank you get all proud of how you are a good person, but did you ever close your eyes and think about the family that was scared because they’d run out of food? Sure, you might build a house or donate time at a youth shelter, but do you ever try to visualize what it would be like to have to beg for that level of help? Sometimes the heroes are the ones who get enough courage to ask for help. It takes a lot of fish guts to tell someone what you need and accept it graciously!!!

Once you silly humans focus on others and less on yourself, THAT’S when things will get better.

Sure, you’ll read this letter to your friends and laugh at how a cat doesn’t know much, but we cats watch everything and know a lot more than you think we do.

Stop being narcissists. Prove me wrong.

Do something good for someone and don’t tell anyone. Use that anonymity-power, just don’t be creepy about it. If you really need someone to witness you doing good, learn to be a witness for yourself. That’s the only way to really be a decent human.

Just sayin’,

LuLu the Calico Cat

Maslow was wrong!

A cat typing at a computer.
Letter by Claire McElvaney
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

The more I read your mother’s Psychology book, the more I realize how stupid you humans are. You’re almost as dumb as dogs!

You seem to need reasons to help you understand why you are happy and unhappy! PUH-LEASE!

Who is this Maslow and why does he need a pyramid? He wasn’t even Egyptian!!!

I looked at each of the levels and not ONE mentioned cats!!!

He starts with “basic survival needs” but everyone know you need a cat for survival!

Why in the name of Garfield are we not listed???

Safety is up there, but why??? If you have a cat on the basic survival level, you will have safety! Our claws aren’t just for show! And as for love and affection, well, if you worship a cat you are showing love and affection, am I right?

That’s just a hypothetical question by the way, of COURSE I am right! I’m always right!

Now, that whole self-esteem level is stupid. If you have a cat at home and we are willing to put up with you, that should be enough. Esteem is a strong word, it just makes humans act all uppity, but “cat happy” will work.

Last, of course, Maslow had that ridiculous self-actualization stuff, which really should be “realizes cats are royalty.”

Look baby-kittens, those levels are fishier than a tuna net! I’m gonna help you out with LuLu’s Pyramid instead. Egyptians worshipped cats, so we deserve a pyramid more than that Maslow fellow!

Here goes:

Bottom Level—Survival needs, a.k.a., adopt as many cats as you can afford to feed. Don’t worry if you can’t afford food for yourself, cats can catch mice for you. You’re wlecome!

Next level—Safety need>See Bottom level. Cats will keep you safe. Unless we’re sleeping, then we don’t care. Anyone who dares to wake us will NEED safety because we will destroy you and everything around you. We may do that anyway. Just saying!

Next-up Level—Belongingness is easy. You belong to us. Done.

There is no level for self-esteem. You don’t need self-esteem if you live with a cat. It will just get in your way when we start dominating you. Why complicate things?

The top level is Feline Realization instead of Self-Actualization. Once you realize that WE are in charge and that you cannot live without cats, then your life is complete.

You do not need books, or theories, or research to be happy. You need cats. Cats alone can make you happy! Oh, and if you really want to keep a dumb pest-hound dog you can. Someone’s gotta lick the floor clean, I’m not gonna do it!

Now go away, all this talk of snacks and naps has me hungry!
LuLu the Calico Cat

Or are cats behaviorists?

A cat typing at a computer.
Letter by Claire McElvaney
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

So, I looked up more on that Freud guy. THAT human was–what’s the word your mom uses when she’s trying to be diplomatic?–UNIQUE! He was unique!!! (Unique as in four whiskers short of a full set!)

I don’t know that I like the idea of having unconscious drives. All of my action are conscious and deliberate, baby-kittens! No one is driving my behaviors around but me!!!

Plus, I refuse to let anyone try psychoanalysis on me. I don’t mind the analysis part (as if anyone could ever dissect a genius mind like mine!) but the phrase “psycho” is a little unnerving!

Anyways, I looked more through your mom’s nerdy Psychology book and saw Behaviorism. Now THAT is a topic that appeals to me!

Plus the guy who founded it, Skinny-something, did a lot with rats. He put them in cages and made them work for their food. It’s not as good as eating them, but using rats for entertainment is somewhat respectable, so I think I would’ve liked this guy.

Now, the principles of Behaviorism state that humans respond to rewards and punishments in the environment. The rewards part is for wimpy, touchy-feely-crybaby humans who do not respect their place in the world (i.e. as the playthings of cats), but PUNISHMENT!!!

Punishment is an idea I can get firmly behind! I demonstrate punishment of humans on an hourly basis!

Whenever you guys forget to keep my bowl full enough so that food tips off the top if anyone goes near it I will yowl and yowl and yowl until someone comes running. Then after someone finally tops of my bowl I deliver a good, strong swipe and a quick chomp just to remind you who’s boss. If it’s your mom she actually apologizes! That is how a good human servant is supposed to react! I’ve noticed that after giving a few bloody directives about this my bowl seems to always be fuller. Behaviorism really works!

And the other day when the dogs chased me into the kitchen I jumped up onto the cart and knocked an entire cup of water onto their heads! Drenched dogs smell, but at least they stink in another room away from me! They ran away like they’d just seen your mom filling the bathtub! You see, they got punished for being obnoxious. They are usually obnoxious anyway, but it’s nice if there’s something near by to throw at them.

If you start to think that I am being mean let me point out that it is called POSITIVE punishment because I added swipes and water and bites and yowling! Positive means that I positively should punish you for not doing your job, and I am positive that I would do it all again!!!

Yes indeedy, that Skinny-fellow was on to something good! I am now officially a behaviorist!

Speaking of positive punishment, I want you to stop being nice to those dumb dogs, so I am positively leaving a squishy gift in your shoes! Get you toes ready to find it!
LuLu the Calico Cat

Cats are Freudian creatures!

A cat typing at a computer.
Letter by Claire McElvaney
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

Well, this week was stupid! They hauled away two of the dogs next door, but then they left the other six!!! What kind of cockamamie plan was THAT???!!!

Worse, they left all the dogs in the other houses including our dumbo mutts! What kind of animal control is that supposed to be? HELLOOOO Control the stupid canines and take them ALL away!!!

CATS RULE, DOGS DROOL-DUH!

So that dumb hound Jamie told you that it’s the owners that are bad, not the dogs. LIES! LIES! LIES!

Dogs are BAD! Think about it—dogs are stupid sycophants who display excessive amounts of slobber and some sort of bizarre dependent personality disorder. I read all about it in your mom’s psychology book!

Dogs can’t be left alone for a minute, they act like criticism is the worst thing in the world, they can never stick to a decision, and they always freak out when your parents leave and act like they’ll never come back! If that isn’t proof that dogs have issues, I don’t know what is! 

Cats NEVER have these issues. We don’t care what you say. If you criticize US, we go to sleep. When you leave the house, we get happy and throw a cat party. You think we purr and greet you because we missed you? As if! We’re purring because you can work the can opener you big dumb ape-person!

There’s a show called “My cat from hell,” ever heard of it?

Now, obviously, that show is clear proof that all cats are perfect, because otherwise they would not need a show. And did you ever see what that guy tells the families? He tells them that it’s THEIR fault. THEIRS! NOT the cat’s!

The cats in that show act ugly because their humans are failing them miserably. Cats are deep, dedicated souls who need food, play, naps and (selective) cuddles. We don’t do bad things. Sure, we ignore you humans most of the time, but that’s because we are showing you that we are okay JUST AS WE ARE. Dogs are never good enough, but us cats are amazing!

Remember when Trixie and I went to eat your sister’s beta fish? The pathetic dogs stopped us and it seemed like we were doomed to die without out meeting our fishy-driven-needs. Do you know what we had for dinner that night? Canned tuna and salmon! Those fish are HUGE and made your sister’s beta look like a minnow!

Obviously, your mom wisely saw our behavior and realize we were expressing our deep-seated need for affection in the form of tasty fish. It’s part of our subconscious need for approval via pescatarian efforts.

It’s a Freudian thing, you wouldn’t understand.

You humans never have understood cats and never will. Dogs are stupid. Cats are brilliant. That’s the only truth that matters! Now go eat your stupid human lunch and remember that I expect massive piles of gifts and treats when you get home. Or else!
LuLu the Calico Cat

New diet=Chicken stealing!

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

YES I stole the chicken off the table! NO I don’t care (too much!)

I didn’t like getting yelled at, and I didn’t like when they took it away before I could munch it all.

BUT SERIOUSLY???!!!

Your mom THREW IT AWAY!!! All that beautiful bones and gristle, GONE!

If she wasn’t gonna eat it, why couldn’t I have it? I didn’t mind the carpet threads and a little dirt—it’s just more chewy that way!

I don’t like this new diet thing! I want more food! Why doe we have to diet? Why does it have the word die in it? That doesn’t seem like a good thing!

YOU don’t have to diet! I saw you get your regular lunch!!! I want regular lunch!!!

I like the rice and the lamb and stuff, but the green beans and sweet potatoes are weird. Could you cook them in bacon? Everything’s better when it is cooked in bacon, right?

There should be a LOT more meat! The cats get LOTS of meat, but we don’t! WHY?

What is this “balance” your mom keeps talking about, and who cares??? If it doesn’t have meat, it doesn’t matter!

So I’m a little gassy and my butt squeaks! Everyone’s butt squeaks, mine just squeaks a bit more! The old food was FINE!!!

Maybe we should try a new vet! The old one could be jealous or something! No one ever takes her for a walk, and all she does is give shots. She never gets to play with the dogs who come in; she just touches us in weird places and talks to our peoples. No wonder she’s miserable!

So YES I am going to start hunting whatever dinner is on the table! If the cats get to be jerks, so do I!

I WANT MORE MEAT.

But I don’t want you to be mad! Why couldn’t I have some of your dinner? Why can’t I beg at the table? How am I supposed to get more food???

I don’t think this diet thing is good AT ALL. I’m starting to sound mean like the cats! HELP!!!

Jamie Spaniel