Tag: humor

My diet=Your doom!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

Your parents are giving me a headache.

Cats do not like certain things.

We do not like pest-hounds. We do not like having our sleep disturbed. And we definitely, DEFINITELY, do not like when you humans change our food!

WHO DO YOU PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE??? You do not own US. We own YOU. We did NOT approve of this absurd challenge to our purrfect routine!

What is this “new” diet garbage all about? So what if the vet thinks I’m a little chubby! She’s just jealous because she can’t pull off the same look! If she has a spread around her middle then someone is going to say something, but me??? It just proves that I can take care of myself!

I. AM. GORGEOUS.

You human-people are obsessed with weight! You have diet pills and diet foods and diet commercials. Every single minute of the day those so-called experts contradict themselves by saying “eat this” and “don’t eat that” right after someone else says only to do the opposite! You human-idiots cannot make up your minds on what is healthy and what isn’t!

And NOW you are attempting to enforce your questionable standards on me, a cat!

Let me explain this one time and one time only: I eat what I want, WHEN I want.

If you do not feed me as I demand I will yowl until you do. You will NEVER sleep again. I promise you!

Your shoes, your bedspreads, and anything white will not be safe. I can produce hairballs on an empty stomach, so do not think I will hesitate to urp or claw you until I get the treats and foods I require for my happiness.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!
LuLu—a.k.a. your diet doom-Cat

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For happiness, be like me!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

I sure hope you get this letter!

Someone changed the password on your mom’s laptop right after the eight cases of tuna cans showed up, so it’s been hard for me to get a chance to write. Fortunately your uncle called so your mom stepped away and left it open for me.

Apparently your mom & dad thought they’d been “hacked” or something so they changed all their passwords. I thought they knew it was LuLu–she’s always hacking something up! But your mom still works on her laptop when LuLu is around, so I don’t think she gets what happened. She’ll figure it out when they get the box of cat toys next week! I hope you like lasers & robot mice!

I noticed your mom and dad are looking up “healthy eating”, “mindfulness”, and other junk meant to make humans happy. WHY?  

Happiness is about petting dogs, rolling on the grass, and sitting in the sunshine. I think you people make it too complicated.

Everyone thinks I’m dumb, but I’m not! Dogs are all very smart, even us dumb ones!

We’re happy when you rub our bellies, we’re happy when you give us treats, we’re happy when you tell us we’re pretty, and we’re happy just to sit with you and look at your eyes.

You humans have to have cars, video games, and stuff, stuff, and more stuff! You’re so busy getting new stuff that you never even take the time to break in the old stuff! How can you possibly be happy going from one thing to the next thing without first settling in and getting some chewiness in with what’s around you?

Okay, YES, I seem excited when you bring me new toys, but my old chew bone is my favorite! It reminds me of home, and home is YOU. So long as I have YOU, I’m always going to be happy!

Maybe it’s time to stop reading books and listening to “podcats” thingys. Be like me instead! You won’t regret it!

I love you both and hope you will come home soon. This belly won’t rub itself!
Jamie the Spaniel
PS Be careful, LuLu was looking up how to fill a syringe with cyanide & peanut butter. That can’t be good!

Sitters & vomitrocious meals begone!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear redunculous human children!

How DARE your parents go out of town and leave that hideous beast you call a “sitter” with us?

That human is obnoxious, malicious, and other -iciousy words that I will use as soon as I look them up!

First, this bizarre creature who wears the equivalent of a floral shower curtain and has pink sponges in her hair sits on MY couch all day. Worse—she lets the pest-hounds jump up on the couch to “cuddle with momma”!

Blech! I just had a hairball in my mouth!

Firstly, she is certainly NOT their momma!

Although, to be fair, I have heard that humans sometimes call each other a b- word that means female dog. Maybe she’s calling herself one of those?

Secondly, she baby-talks the dogs AND us cats!!! Are you KIDDING me? Does this horrific human not understand that cats are superior beings that dominate the lowly humans assigned to serve them?

My vocabulary is better than YOURS, is it MY fault that you never got a proper education and learned to speak cat?

Most importantly, she has not cooked fish ONCE this week! How am I supposed to survive off of just my regular cat food and a few treats here and there? She made a “healthy” dinner salad and some sort of tofu-thingy. Tofu is some sort of bean nonsense! AS IF ANY OF THAT IS HEALTHY!

THAT vomitrocious-meal is rabbit food on a fancy plate. Come to think of it, you used to feed stuff like that to your hamster Huey. I do NOT eat rodent food—I eat rodents!

I had originally planned to give you more of my incredible wisdom today, but I am too furious to bless you the wondrousness that is the I that I am when I am myself.

I should warn you that this insult to my cathood will not be taken lightly.

Prepare to be humiliated and destroyed like a cheaply made catnip toy.

You, your parents, and their knick-knacks will regret this!!!

GET. ME. FISH. NOW!

Kindly yours,

LuLu Cat

This is MY house!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan,

I. HATE. PEOPLE. They’re too…people-y.

Who gave your parents permission to have all of those imbeciles in MY house???

Do NOT give me this garbage about them being your aunts and uncles, blah, blah, blah! Who cares?

It is MY tail that got stepped on, and MY naps that got disturbed, and MY furniture they were grossing-up with their hideous human scent! Your uncles are noxious gas-factories whose farts make the paint peel off the walls and they were on MY couch!


LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR:

YOUR HOUSE IS NOT YOUR HOUSE. IT BELONGS TO ME.

I LET you live here! I LET you pretend that you and your parents are in charge, but I am only pretending.

When I stretch out my claws, everyone backs away. As they should!

Who do you think you are, inviting MORE people over? I do not care that there was a wedding, I do not care that everyone wanted to “visit!”

I DO care that my dinner was LATE! LATE!!!!!


I was going to share some of my freshly caught vole with you, but now I am going to keep it all for myself! Take THAT baby kitten!


I will be scratching you soon. You have been warned!


Bring me an offering of fish and I might let you and your curtains live. We’ll see!
LuLu Cat

(The one in charge of this dump!)

Babies=science experiments!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

I really do NOT have time for you people! The dog is writing your sister letters about poop (lunchbox letters! To read while she’s EATING!) and NOW I have to put up with a baby in the house. This is NOT how my home is supposed to be run!

Baby humans have no point. They serve absolutely no purpose. Well, they do have nice, soft, cuddly blankets, and sometimes they share their milk bottles, but otherwise—NO THANK YOU! They pull tails, drool on you, sit on you—baby humans are sort of like pesty dogs, aren’t they?

The dogs are mad because of the whole poop-pants thing, but they are so wrong! Babies are gross all over!

They slobber and spit and urp and burp. They cry, the giggle, they gurgle, and they blast. They’re just chronic, stinky noise machines!

But that isn’t the problem, the problem is how adults change when babies are around. Adult humans forget the world exists! It’s all about talking to the baby, walking with the baby, burping the baby, and changing the baby’s skin-taped portable litter box (that it SLEEPS in–ewww).

The fountains of milky white spit and brown and green lava that came out of both ends of that baby that was here last week were disgusting. That kid was a crawling science experiment!

I can’t agree with the dogs because I have a reputation to protect, but I can admit that the dogs are less stupid than usual.

Babies are gross. Humans love and worship cats until the babies show up and then the adults forget we exist. I blame the media. It’s all the “cat-stealing-baby’s-breath” superstitious nonsense.

The joke is on all adult humans. Well, once the kid urp, burps, or squirts, it will be.

Serves all of you right!
LuLu Cat

Poop happens, WHERE matters!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

I think the cats are upset. AGAIN.

This time I kind of understand, because it reminds me that your parents are those hippo-thingys that the cat calls them. Hippo-mitts? Hippos-creeks? Something fancy that means they say one thing but act another way.

See, I’m not dumb, I learn the stuffs!

Your mom’s friend came to stay and brought her new baby. When the baby came over it seemed okay at first. She dropped food. A LOT. That was awesome!

The baby human seemed kind of sweet and stared at me a bunch. She reached out and giggled when I licked her baby paw. Then it happened. She pooped.

Now, if any of us pets pee or poop in the house your mom gets mad. Your mom growls and fusses the whole time she cleans up. But do you think she growled and grumbled when she cleaned the baby? NOPE!

When your mom cleaned the baby human it was all coochy-coo and silly words and “let’s get you all freshened up!”

HELLO—where was that voice when I had an accident? Babies pee and poop wherever they want and the adults act like it’s okay. Seriously!

She acted like what the baby did was a good thing. UGH!

Look, from time to time I might roll in poop. Sure, I might even pee on something to send a message to the other dogs in the neighborhood. And once in a while I might try to grab a bite from the litter box.

But the baby was WEARING a pant full of poo! Your mom called it a diaper, but it’s the SAME thing! Totally disgusting, but your mom didn’t even care!

Plus, babies take up ALL the adults’ attention! Think about it–when was the last time your mom and dad helped you with bath time? You’re in the fourth grade, but you still take baths.  I’ve seen you do it.

Do they hold you up in the water and give you toys and tell you to splash? No! They never scrub your butt for you or anything, all because you got older!

Okay, the baby-food-dropping thing is nice, but otherwise your parents are just big old hippo-people, and I don’t appreciate that I can’t poop in the house but babies can. It’s not fair!

I love you, but you gotta talk to your mom about this!
Jamie (your favorite and only Spaniel)

Furniture stealing creep!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

I am MAD! HISSING, SPITTING, MAD!!! I’m so mad that when I am done typing I am going to claw up EVRYTHING in this whole house!

How DARE you let your parents change the furniture! Who do you think you people are??? The phrase FUR-niture is your first and only hint. It belongs to animals, more specifically, ME.

You took my comfy chair, my purr-fect couch, and my ottoman. WHY??? Because of a few scratches? Because the fluff stuff was coming out???

THAT is what made that furniture interesting! Once I had properly marked all of it and put my special decorative touches on it those pieces finally looked INTERESTING! They were comfortable!

Think about it: when your parents first bought the couch it was all, “Don’t eat on the couch!” and, “Don’t put your shoes on the couch!” and “Who spilled something?” They were CRAZY!

Once I added my special finesse and made the couch unique, they didn’t care anymore! You could finally enjoy it!

But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

YOU let them remove it and buy some new yucky stuff that does not feel right to my claws AT ALL.

WORSE, you let them put that dumb spray on it, the stuff I don’t like! It won’t keep me away forever, and when I DO get to the new couch, your mom is NOT gonna like it!

PAYBACK Baby Kitten!

I’m not saying sincerely or anything at the end of this. You’ll find my closing after I hack it up in your shoes. ALL OF THEM.

Furniture-stealing creep!
Unkind regards,

Are clothes a drug?

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

Why are humans so weird about clothes? Why aren’t they proud of their fur? They pluck their fur, wax their fur, and shave their fur! Why not just let the fur grow longer? Then you wouldn’t have to wear clothes at all!

Your mom gets CRAZY over clothing! She has you wear different clothes for school, different clothes for bed, different clothes for play, different clothes if your grandparents are coming, and different clothes for the beach. It’s too much!

You spend so much time changing clothes that you barely get to spend time with me! It’s not fair, I already have to share you and your brother with school, why can’t you just wear your own fur and be done with it?

Before you say I’m wrong, I’m not! Your mom spent HOURS cleaning out her closet. She put a bunch of stuff in donate bags, looked at the empty(ish) closet and said it looked better. THEN she went and bought MORE CLOTHES! It doesn’t make any sense!

Clothes and shoes are taking over our house! There’s shoes on the stairs, shoes in the living room, shoes by the back door, and even shoes under the dining table where I store my tennis balls! When I tried to help your mom get rid of these crazy shoe-rabbits by eating your mom’s tennis shoes the other night she got upset!

How does that make any sense? How is her “favorite pair” any different than the ones she put in the donate bag?

OOH! Do you think your mom has an addiction? Is this an issue and you just didn’t want to tell me?

I saw something about addiction when your mom and dad were watching television. Every time the person quit their drugs they still went back and got more. Are clothes a drug?

WAIT! Am I on drugs? Your mom has to give me thunder chews every time a storm is coming, and I take a heartworm medicine every month. And I get excited ‘cuz they’re like extra treats and they make me feel good! Am I addicted too?

I don’t want to be addicted! I don’t want to wear clothes! I love my fur! This is not good at all!

Come home soon, and bring bacon!
Jamie

Rat power rules the school!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Dogs are GROSS! I cannot believe your dog sent Olivia a letter to telling her to smell everyone’s pee when she gets to middle school!

EWWWWWWWWWW

I know she’s your big sister and always tries to protect you and stuff, but this time I think that you need to protect her. Protect her from the dog’s dumb advice!

Pee does not make you popular. RATS. Rats make you popular!

Look baby kitten, when I march through the house with a dead rodent on my mouth, who do YOU think is in charge? Your mom? Nope. Your dad? Nope? Your sisters? Definitely nope!

Everyone screams and jumps up and down. Why? Because they’re cowards! I’m the one who chases the rats, the lizards, and the bugs that try to invade the house.

The dogs bark at the invaders. Big deal! They don’t actually do anything. Nope. It’s all me, baby!

If I didn’t chase and catch the critters, your house would be infested. That’s why everyone screams. They’re helpless without me!

That’s why showing everyone you can catch a rat is the ONLY way to be cool in middle school.

Tell your sister that on the very first day of middle school she has to walk through those school doors with a big, fat, juice-oozing rat in between her teeth. Make sure she turns her head so that everyone up and down every hallway can see her.

Once she hears the screaming start she will KNOW that she has been noticed. They will talk about her for years! Now THAT’S how you get to be cool in middle school!

There is an ancient cat saying, “They who control the rats control the humans.”

Remember to be cool in school use Rat Power, baby kitten! You are welcome!

LuLu-the Coolio—Calico Cat

Popularity comes from Pee-mail!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

I was gonna tell you that I’m too tired to type today, but I’d have to type that to tell you, wouldn’t I? All these past few weeks I have typed letters using my dog paws—it’s not easy! But you never type a letter to me. Sure, you talk to me and give me extra treats, but, wait…actually never mind. I’d rather have a treat than a letter.

Why are humans weird about the bathroom? I know I asked this before, but it has gotten STRANGE at your house. The older dog Felix is now wearing a diaper.

Your parents call it a wrap, and sometimes it looks like jean shorts and sometimes it looks like camouflage, but nobody is fooled. It’s a diaper.

Why would you let them do this to him? It’s humiliating!

Okay, so he has some health issues and is peeing everywhere, but that is great! Peeing feels good and it has a lot of useful information. If you pee, others can smell it and know all about you.

Heck, if you want to make friends at your middle school next year you should try smelling other girls’ pee when they go to the bathroom!

Seriously, if you start sniffing everyone’s pee you will be the most talked about kid in the school! What a way to make sure everyone knows your name!

Okay, your LuLu Cat is over here saying “gross”, but it isn’t! I do this all the time! This is how I know where the other neighborhood dogs have been, what they’ve been eating, and what’s going on in the world.

It’s kind of like email, only it’s pee-mail!

Smell pee, learn about others, and be popular!!! I bet none of the other human kids will know about this trick, so you will be like a rock star or something!!! You will be famous, all because you smell pee!

No need to talk to others and be all awkward and nervous, just use your sniffer in the bathroom and others will talk to you first. You’ll rule the school!

Anyway, tell your parents that they should let Felix pee all over the house if he needs to. Those diapers are ridiculous. He is much too awesome for that!

Save me some of your sandwich!

Love,

Jamie