Poop happens, WHERE matters!

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

I think the cats are upset. AGAIN.

This time I kind of understand, because it reminds me that your parents are those hippo-thingys that the cat calls them. Hippo-mitts? Hippos-creeks? Something fancy that means they say one thing but act another way.

See, I’m not dumb, I learn the stuffs!

Your mom’s friend came to stay and brought her new baby. When the baby came over it seemed okay at first. She dropped food. A LOT. That was awesome!

The baby human seemed kind of sweet and stared at me a bunch. She reached out and giggled when I licked her baby paw. Then it happened. She pooped.

Now, if any of us pets pee or poop in the house your mom gets mad. Your mom growls and fusses the whole time she cleans up. But do you think she growled and grumbled when she cleaned the baby? NOPE!

When your mom cleaned the baby human it was all coochy-coo and silly words and “let’s get you all freshened up!”

HELLO—where was that voice when I had an accident? Babies pee and poop wherever they want and the adults act like it’s okay. Seriously!

She acted like what the baby did was a good thing. UGH!

Look, from time to time I might roll in poop. Sure, I might even pee on something to send a message to the other dogs in the neighborhood. And once in a while I might try to grab a bite from the litter box.

But the baby was WEARING a pant full of poo! Your mom called it a diaper, but it’s the SAME thing! Totally disgusting, but your mom didn’t even care!

Plus, babies take up ALL the adults’ attention! Think about it–when was the last time your mom and dad helped you with bath time? You’re in the fourth grade, but you still take baths.  I’ve seen you do it.

Do they hold you up in the water and give you toys and tell you to splash? No! They never scrub your butt for you or anything, all because you got older!

Okay, the baby-food-dropping thing is nice, but otherwise your parents are just big old hippo-people, and I don’t appreciate that I can’t poop in the house but babies can. It’s not fair!

I love you, but you gotta talk to your mom about this!
Jamie (your favorite and only Spaniel)

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