Babies=science experiments!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

I really do NOT have time for you people! The dog is writing your sister letters about poop (lunchbox letters! To read while she’s EATING!) and NOW I have to put up with a baby in the house. This is NOT how my home is supposed to be run!

Baby humans have no point. They serve absolutely no purpose. Well, they do have nice, soft, cuddly blankets, and sometimes they share their milk bottles, but otherwise—NO THANK YOU! They pull tails, drool on you, sit on you—baby humans are sort of like pesty dogs, aren’t they?

The dogs are mad because of the whole poop-pants thing, but they are so wrong! Babies are gross all over!

They slobber and spit and urp and burp. They cry, the giggle, they gurgle, and they blast. They’re just chronic, stinky noise machines!

But that isn’t the problem, the problem is how adults change when babies are around. Adult humans forget the world exists! It’s all about talking to the baby, walking with the baby, burping the baby, and changing the baby’s skin-taped portable litter box (that it SLEEPS in–ewww).

The fountains of milky white spit and brown and green lava that came out of both ends of that baby that was here last week were disgusting. That kid was a crawling science experiment!

I can’t agree with the dogs because I have a reputation to protect, but I can admit that the dogs are less stupid than usual.

Babies are gross. Humans love and worship cats until the babies show up and then the adults forget we exist. I blame the media. It’s all the “cat-stealing-baby’s-breath” superstitious nonsense.

The joke is on all adult humans. Well, once the kid urp, burps, or squirts, it will be.

Serves all of you right!
LuLu Cat


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