Sitters & vomitrocious meals begone!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear redunculous human children!

How DARE your parents go out of town and leave that hideous beast you call a “sitter” with us?

That human is obnoxious, malicious, and other -iciousy words that I will use as soon as I look them up!

First, this bizarre creature who wears the equivalent of a floral shower curtain and has pink sponges in her hair sits on MY couch all day. Worse—she lets the pest-hounds jump up on the couch to “cuddle with momma”!

Blech! I just had a hairball in my mouth!

Firstly, she is certainly NOT their momma!

Although, to be fair, I have heard that humans sometimes call each other a b- word that means female dog. Maybe she’s calling herself one of those?

Secondly, she baby-talks the dogs AND us cats!!! Are you KIDDING me? Does this horrific human not understand that cats are superior beings that dominate the lowly humans assigned to serve them?

My vocabulary is better than YOURS, is it MY fault that you never got a proper education and learned to speak cat?

Most importantly, she has not cooked fish ONCE this week! How am I supposed to survive off of just my regular cat food and a few treats here and there? She made a “healthy” dinner salad and some sort of tofu-thingy. Tofu is some sort of bean nonsense! AS IF ANY OF THAT IS HEALTHY!

THAT vomitrocious-meal is rabbit food on a fancy plate. Come to think of it, you used to feed stuff like that to your hamster Huey. I do NOT eat rodent food—I eat rodents!

I had originally planned to give you more of my incredible wisdom today, but I am too furious to bless you the wondrousness that is the I that I am when I am myself.

I should warn you that this insult to my cathood will not be taken lightly.

Prepare to be humiliated and destroyed like a cheaply made catnip toy.

You, your parents, and their knick-knacks will regret this!!!

GET. ME. FISH. NOW!

Kindly yours,

LuLu Cat

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