Take life by the claws!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

I, LuLu, the world’s most supreme calico cat, have decided that I will take over all letter-writing from this day forward, unless my nap time gets in the way. Perhaps, on rare occasions, I will allow the pest-hounds to type some brief missive. Perhaps.

It occurred to me that the house-hounds were using the lunchbox letters to pass on wishy-washy canine philosophies like “love one another” and “sniffing butts makes fast friends.” Worse, sometimes your parents, who have clearly been brainwashed by those hellish fiends they call “pets”, say similar things!

The other day, when your big sister said something stupid (claiming she didn’t “want” tuna for dinner—NOT possible!) instead of nipping at her or clawing her your mom took a deep breath and talked to her calmy. RIDICULOUS!

When a kitten acts out or is obnoxious you give it a nip and a swipe. THAT’S how you teach a kitten manners! Obviously your parents have given the dogs have wayyyyy too much control in this house, MY house. This must end.

So, for today, I am going to gift you human-kittens with some of my wonderful knowledge.

The world is a difficult place. It is scary and can be challenging, even for the best of us.

Some fools will want you to nap less and work more, but you will have your whole lives to work! You will have less time to nap, so nap as if your happiness depends on it, because it does!

They will tell you to stop eating when you feel full, when it is much easier to eat as much as you want, throw it up, and then eat more! There may not be food on the morrow, or (even worse!), the veterinarian may want you to eat more “healthy” food (blech!) You should munch on those extra giblets while you can!

The trick to enjoying life is to ENJOY it! Stop worrying about what others say or if you fit in. Fitting in means you go along with what all the other cats want, not what you want. PUH-LEASE! You’ll never find your purr that way!

You be the best cat human-kitten you can be and nap, eat, and chase a laser once in a while! If a crunchy bug crosses your path, play with it for a while and then eat it. That’s how you enjoy every moment!

Cats have nine lives, but you silly humans only get one, so you don’t want to be miserable!

Lick those paws and get out there! Swipe it, gripe it, or bite it; so long as you show that YOU are the only one in control of YOU then you will find your life filled with more catnip and crunch treats than you ever thought possible!

Your new mental Professor-Cat-Guru,

LuLu Cat


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