Are clothes a drug?

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

Why are humans so weird about clothes? Why aren’t they proud of their fur? They pluck their fur, wax their fur, and shave their fur! Why not just let the fur grow longer? Then you wouldn’t have to wear clothes at all!

Your mom gets CRAZY over clothing! She has you wear different clothes for school, different clothes for bed, different clothes for play, different clothes if your grandparents are coming, and different clothes for the beach. It’s too much!

You spend so much time changing clothes that you barely get to spend time with me! It’s not fair, I already have to share you and your brother with school, why can’t you just wear your own fur and be done with it?

Before you say I’m wrong, I’m not! Your mom spent HOURS cleaning out her closet. She put a bunch of stuff in donate bags, looked at the empty(ish) closet and said it looked better. THEN she went and bought MORE CLOTHES! It doesn’t make any sense!

Clothes and shoes are taking over our house! There’s shoes on the stairs, shoes in the living room, shoes by the back door, and even shoes under the dining table where I store my tennis balls! When I tried to help your mom get rid of these crazy shoe-rabbits by eating your mom’s tennis shoes the other night she got upset!

How does that make any sense? How is her “favorite pair” any different than the ones she put in the donate bag?

OOH! Do you think your mom has an addiction? Is this an issue and you just didn’t want to tell me?

I saw something about addiction when your mom and dad were watching television. Every time the person quit their drugs they still went back and got more. Are clothes a drug?

WAIT! Am I on drugs? Your mom has to give me thunder chews every time a storm is coming, and I take a heartworm medicine every month. And I get excited ‘cuz they’re like extra treats and they make me feel good! Am I addicted too?

I don’t want to be addicted! I don’t want to wear clothes! I love my fur! This is not good at all!

Come home soon, and bring bacon!


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