The Cat Demands Presents

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

As you could tell this morning, I am not a happy cat. I examined all of the wrapped presents in your parents’ closet last night. My name was not on one single gift tag!

Why wouldn’t someone want to give a gift to me? I am a beautiful, sweet, always pleasant cat and I demand some gifts! I need a new claw sharpener, a dozen cans of tuna, several live goldfish, and a canary that I shall name “Lunch”. I’d better at least get some catnip!

I’m sure Jamie got into a lot of trouble last night, but I didn’t catch her at it. I fell asleep watching “My Cat from Hell” on TV. Actually, I only like the opening scenes where the cat is acting the way a cat should – biting, hissing, clawing. That garbagey-ending, with all of the purring and rule-following, is ridiculous. Not in MY house!

Seriously, you humans don’t understand us at all, do you? You think some extra playtime and a few treats are gonna make us suddenly follow YOUR rules? As if!

Look, human kiddo person, let’s get this straight. We play nice for the camera. Sure, why not? A few extra treats can make anyone purr! But permanent change! UMMMMM, NO!

If you want a well-behaved, sweet slobbering buddy who is basically a mindless lump, i.e. someone who follows your dumb rules, get a dog. If you want a magnificent creature, a being that is a god in its own right, a benevolent beast that rules your world, get a cat.

Sometimes we cuddle, sometimes we claw. That’s life, you evolved monkey! So deal with it!!! Now do as you are told and go get me some presents!!!

I have thrown up in your shoes, and I am not telling you which ones. You’ll find out, eventually…

Your friend,



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