Narcissists=Insta-ham and good deeds!

A cat typing at a computer.
Letter by Claire McElvaney
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

You and your teacher disgust me. Seriously!

For one tiny, barely significant bite of tuna I am expected to continue discussing Psychology? Mind you, EVEYRTHING is Psychology, but not everyone is capable of understanding it! Cats understand Psychology because we are experts on the topic. That’s how we control humans so easily.

It’s not that hard, you humans are pretty stupid.

You’re also narcissistic. That’s a MAJOR issue and how we control you. You think you are the most amazing creatures on the planet and you think that everything has some personal connection to YOU. YOU. YOU. YOU. You humans are all about the “YOU!”

Now, you and your silly friends are going to try to say that it isn’t true, that you care about the community, that you’re socially responsible, only buy from companies that support the environment, blah, blah, blechy-blah. Sure, you do these things.

You know what else you do? You post it on Insta-ham, Fish-book, Twattler, Tik-Lox, and other little social platforms.

Think about it, you do good only when others are watching!

Before you get all mad at me and give me some garbage about how you are just trying to inspire others to do more good works, look at what you are saying: If others look at what YOU do, THEY will do better.

Because. Of. YOU.

UMMMMM….Narcissism in action! Proof! Done! Drop the mic!

Well, drop the keyboard, which I can’t do, because your mom will start locking up her computer after that.

You humans and every celebrity in the world are litterboxes full of narcissism. If you really cared and wanted to do good things you would be out in the world DOING not just posting.

Some people are semi-decent, they only post once in a while. That’s not so bad. But the people who are on those platforms CONSTANTLY posting everything from what they do to what they eat are bogus.

Humans aren’t that difficult to understand. Do you really think that we adore you and purr when you are near because you’re so special? For halibut’s sake! Of course not!

We purr because you want to be adored, and then you think that you randomly give us treat and pets. PUH-LEASE!!! We purr-pull your strings!

Want to prove that I’m wrong? Do it! Do nice things for others and don’t post about it.

Okay, if you HAVE to post, make sure you post only post twice, once to ask others to come along and help and once when everything is done. But don’t post every minute or take 200 photos.

I bet you another tuna pouch it’ll be harder to get people to help with an anonymous community project than one they can put on their look-at-me-insta-resume.

See, that how cats know that humans are narcissists.

If you donate food to a food bank you get all proud of how you are a good person, but did you ever close your eyes and think about the family that was scared because they’d run out of food? Sure, you might build a house or donate time at a youth shelter, but do you ever try to visualize what it would be like to have to beg for that level of help? Sometimes the heroes are the ones who get enough courage to ask for help. It takes a lot of fish guts to tell someone what you need and accept it graciously!!!

Once you silly humans focus on others and less on yourself, THAT’S when things will get better.

Sure, you’ll read this letter to your friends and laugh at how a cat doesn’t know much, but we cats watch everything and know a lot more than you think we do.

Stop being narcissists. Prove me wrong.

Do something good for someone and don’t tell anyone. Use that anonymity-power, just don’t be creepy about it. If you really need someone to witness you doing good, learn to be a witness for yourself. That’s the only way to really be a decent human.

Just sayin’,

LuLu the Calico Cat

Soapbox warning! Bad owners = Bad dogs

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

The cats are sleeping so I got another chance to write to you! I’m sorry your mom & dad got sick, well, sort of… I like when they stay home all day! It’s awesome to get the extra cuddle time!

I think we need to talk, because yesterday while you were at school it got CRAZY!!!

The neighbors’ husky dogs got out again and attacked some cats and that nice dalmation puppy across the street. The huskies have gotten out every day for the last two weeks and had been chasing everyone’s pets. They even hopped fences and went after other dogs in their own backyards!

Your mom wouldn’t take us for walks because the huskies had already tried to get at us through the windows. It wasn’t too bad because your mom & dad played with us in the backyard, but I missed all the smells!

Yesterday the huskies were roaming and trying to go after every animal outside. A bunch of people told the neighbors that their dogs were out again, but they acted like they didn’t care.  

First the huskies tore through the outdoor cat hut and killed one of the cats down the road. They also bit the other cats inside, but most of them should be okay. Then the huskies chased and bit my puppy friend while she and her family were on a walk. Some people saw it happen and were outside shaking and crying. It was scary and awful and should never have happened.

The animal control people came and then all of these sheriff cars came. The cats’ owners were over yelling at the huskies’ owners and the huskies’ owners were yelling at the cat owners. It got really bad really quick!

It was NUTS! I couldn’t stop barking at them through the window even when your mom gave me peanut butter!
Then, when I thought it would calm down, Animal Control took the dogs! Shouldn’t they take the owners instead???

I try to bark and be friendly like I should, but this makes me growly mad! Your mom was VERY upset!

The owners never walked their dogs, they never played with their dogs, and they never cuddled their dogs. They didn’t care that their dogs were biting at everybody and scaring them and never tried to keep them at their home.

Remember the five seconds that I got out once? Your mom, your dad, and your Aunt Maureen all ran out to get me. I thought we were having a great game until your mom used her scary voice! (I ran back double-quick! I HATE that voice!)

See, you’re not supposed to run wild when you live in a neighborhood because there are kids, and cars, and things that might hurt you. Your mom and dad and auntie were trying to keep me safe. That’s what the neighbors with the huskies should have done!

Your mom and the other neighbors tried to be friendly, talk to the family, and even ask the authorities for help. But no! No one did anything until the dogs hurt one of my buddies!!!

The owners should go to the pound, not the dogs! Dogs get bored! Seriously!

I never get bored because you play with me and I have a huge box of stuffed cuddle toys and squeaky things. Your mom and dad talk to me and run around with me. Plus, when the thunder starts and I get scared your mom gives me special treats and lets me cuddle with her on the bed. Always.

I’m not scared as much because you guys take care of me.

Those dogs were always outside, even in thunder, lightning, and fireworks. I know some people say that dogs shouldn’t be treated like family, but we ARE family. We protect you because you are part of our pack, just like you protect us because we’re part of your family!  

I think that everyone blaming the dogs is wrong. Blame the owners instead!

Okay, the huskies weren’t nice, but I don’t think they ever the chance to learn how to behave! I think that it’s the owners who messed up, because they should have given the dogs love, and playtime, and gone and taken care of them when they were scared.

You know how your mom gives me treats when I let her tell me to sit and lie down and stuff? I like that! I’m super good at showing her how I listen! The neighbors should have done that too. It’s kind of nice to know what’s expected, am I right?

Now everyone is sad and nobody wins. I feel a little guilty, but now that the huskies are at the pound your mom, dad, and all the neighbors are able to go on walks again. Your mom and dad took us out this morning and it was perfect! I enjoyed the new smells and got to find the old ones too!

Best of all, no one chased us back to the house or tried to bite us. We just got walk like we used to do.

I know you’re really young and stuff, but when you’re a grownup don’t forget: dogs are family too. Some treats, ear rubs, and nice words are good. I don’t even mind that you baby talk to me! I like the fact that pick me up and carry me around! (Why does your mom say I’m too heavy? I only weigh 68 pounds, so she weighs a LOT more than me!)

Anyway, when you get home, you can give me extra cuddles to get over this. Plus, bacon, always bacon!

I’m glad you’re my family!

Jamie the Spaniel

Furniture stealing creep!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

I am MAD! HISSING, SPITTING, MAD!!! I’m so mad that when I am done typing I am going to claw up EVRYTHING in this whole house!

How DARE you let your parents change the furniture! Who do you think you people are??? The phrase FUR-niture is your first and only hint. It belongs to animals, more specifically, ME.

You took my comfy chair, my purr-fect couch, and my ottoman. WHY??? Because of a few scratches? Because the fluff stuff was coming out???

THAT is what made that furniture interesting! Once I had properly marked all of it and put my special decorative touches on it those pieces finally looked INTERESTING! They were comfortable!

Think about it: when your parents first bought the couch it was all, “Don’t eat on the couch!” and, “Don’t put your shoes on the couch!” and “Who spilled something?” They were CRAZY!

Once I added my special finesse and made the couch unique, they didn’t care anymore! You could finally enjoy it!

But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

YOU let them remove it and buy some new yucky stuff that does not feel right to my claws AT ALL.

WORSE, you let them put that dumb spray on it, the stuff I don’t like! It won’t keep me away forever, and when I DO get to the new couch, your mom is NOT gonna like it!

PAYBACK Baby Kitten!

I’m not saying sincerely or anything at the end of this. You’ll find my closing after I hack it up in your shoes. ALL OF THEM.

Furniture-stealing creep!
Unkind regards,

Rat power rules the school!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Dogs are GROSS! I cannot believe your dog sent Olivia a letter to telling her to smell everyone’s pee when she gets to middle school!

EWWWWWWWWWW

I know she’s your big sister and always tries to protect you and stuff, but this time I think that you need to protect her. Protect her from the dog’s dumb advice!

Pee does not make you popular. RATS. Rats make you popular!

Look baby kitten, when I march through the house with a dead rodent on my mouth, who do YOU think is in charge? Your mom? Nope. Your dad? Nope? Your sisters? Definitely nope!

Everyone screams and jumps up and down. Why? Because they’re cowards! I’m the one who chases the rats, the lizards, and the bugs that try to invade the house.

The dogs bark at the invaders. Big deal! They don’t actually do anything. Nope. It’s all me, baby!

If I didn’t chase and catch the critters, your house would be infested. That’s why everyone screams. They’re helpless without me!

That’s why showing everyone you can catch a rat is the ONLY way to be cool in middle school.

Tell your sister that on the very first day of middle school she has to walk through those school doors with a big, fat, juice-oozing rat in between her teeth. Make sure she turns her head so that everyone up and down every hallway can see her.

Once she hears the screaming start she will KNOW that she has been noticed. They will talk about her for years! Now THAT’S how you get to be cool in middle school!

There is an ancient cat saying, “They who control the rats control the humans.”

Remember to be cool in school use Rat Power, baby kitten! You are welcome!

LuLu-the Coolio—Calico Cat

Snow-sycophants beware!

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I think it’s time that you and I had a talk. I heard you wishing for snow. You’re old enough now to know a basic fact of life: snow is bad.

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

You cannot pay any attention to the movies and television shows that portray snow as charming and special. Snow is an obnoxious obscuring of the senses.

Seriously, this garbage about snow being magical is just propaganda. Ask anyone above kitten-age. Snow-sycophants are blind to the obvious truth: Snow is a manipulation tactic.

The bread and milk producers and the weather forecasters have some kind of backroom deal. Whenever profits are low, grocers and bread-makers call the weather reporters and get them to threaten snow. Don’t believe me–just watch!

As soon as a forecaster claims that “Snowmagedon” is on the horizon, people panic. They rush to store and buy bread, milk, and eggs. Why??? How much French toast does one family need? Seriously, it’s just a scam!

Look little human: Snow is wet. Wet is bad. Snow is cold. Cold is bad.

Snowy days mean less sun, and that is very, very bad. Everyone stays home. All day. During my nap time. PLUS while it is snowing there are very few birds playing outside the window. Also, very bad. I like to visualize my lunch before I eat it.

Dry, sunny, warm days create glowing heated hot spots just right for relaxing. True magic is a radiating orb casting light on you while you stretch your claws out towards the sun, just rolling around. The sun beams and I beam, that’s how it works. Yes, give me a warm blanket and a cozy spot of sunlight and I’m in Heaven!

Just imagine it, some nice human bringing you something dead to eat while you take in the glow of the day’s light while watching little birds and flying things move past your window. It’s like living in a daydream.

I forgive you for wanting snow; after all, you’re only human. But please remember, dear boy, that the soft embrace of the sun’s rays beats the cold smack of winter anytime.

Your friend,

LuLu

Funky Fido Party Time!

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Last night was great! When your parents took you to the park Babbie and I had a couple of friends over. I like friends.

Friends are fun. Until they eat all of your food or take your ball. Then friends are stupid.

You and I are best friends, right? Friends share dinner. You can have my food and I can have yours, right?

Dog friends are crazy. Or is it bad? I heard that bad means good, but that doesn’t seem right. When your mom says “bad dog” it doesn’t seem like she’s happy.

My friends and I danced to your sister’s disco cd. I’m telling you, poodles may look funny but they sure can dance. The Funky Chicken became the Funky Fido!

Someone filled the bubble blower with whipped cream instead of bubbles. I laughed so hard I almost lifted a leg! 

We jumped to catch the cream in our mouths. It was awesome! Babbie got covered in cream splatter, but she licked herself clean. It was like a bonus!

She’s kind of sticky now. We all offered to help her her lick her fur but she refused. She gets weird about dogs licking her rear end. Weird. Sniffs are okay, but licks make her grumpy.

Babbie had stashed some food under the couch. Remember when your mom got mad ‘cuz somebody ate all the leftover ham? Yeah, sort of sorry about that. We wanted to have food for our friends.

See what I said there? Friends give food to other friends. Like ham, and chicken, and steak, and whatever your mom cooks for dinner. Except that spaghetti squash stuff.

The sauce was good, but that was NOT spaghetti. Just plain weird.

LuLu and Trixie were totally rude. They wouldn’t come downstairs at all. One of the poodles made a joke about cat pinatas and they got all mad. It was a joke!

We weren’t going to hit the cats to see if Pupperoni or something came out. I don’t want to know WHAT would come out of LuLu if we hit her with a bat. Her eyes are brown and green for a reason. Yuck.

Have fun at school. Don’t forget what I said about sharing food!

Your friend,

Jamie

The Cat Demands Presents

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

As you could tell this morning, I am not a happy cat. I examined all of the wrapped presents in your parents’ closet last night. My name was not on one single gift tag!

Why wouldn’t someone want to give a gift to me? I am a beautiful, sweet, always pleasant cat and I demand some gifts! I need a new claw sharpener, a dozen cans of tuna, several live goldfish, and a canary that I shall name “Lunch”. I’d better at least get some catnip!

I’m sure Jamie got into a lot of trouble last night, but I didn’t catch her at it. I fell asleep watching “My Cat from Hell” on TV. Actually, I only like the opening scenes where the cat is acting the way a cat should – biting, hissing, clawing. That garbagey-ending, with all of the purring and rule-following, is ridiculous. Not in MY house!

Seriously, you humans don’t understand us at all, do you? You think some extra playtime and a few treats are gonna make us suddenly follow YOUR rules? As if!

Look, human kiddo person, let’s get this straight. We play nice for the camera. Sure, why not? A few extra treats can make anyone purr! But permanent change! UMMMMM, NO!

If you want a well-behaved, sweet slobbering buddy who is basically a mindless lump, i.e. someone who follows your dumb rules, get a dog. If you want a magnificent creature, a being that is a god in its own right, a benevolent beast that rules your world, get a cat.

Sometimes we cuddle, sometimes we claw. That’s life, you evolved monkey! So deal with it!!! Now do as you are told and go get me some presents!!!

I have thrown up in your shoes, and I am not telling you which ones. You’ll find out, eventually…

Your friend,

LuLu

Monstery-thingy mom

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon.

Dear Olivia,

I am so confused right now!!! I was trying to type a letter to your mom to warn her about LuLu stealing her identity and ordering lots of tuna fish, and I got in trouble! ME!!!

I never get into trouble! The cats dumped water all over the laptop and then pretended to be asleep when your mom came into the room. The spray bottle was next to my paws, so your mom thought I had done it!!! Did you know that your mom looks scary when she gets mad? I mean super-scary!!!

I saw something like it once before. You were watching this weird movie. It must have been a good movie because you spilled half of your popcorn on the floor. You may not have noticed because I cleaned it up for you (you’re welcome!) This big monstery-creature was stomping all over a city and making people scream.

That’s what it was like when your mom got mad. She was stomping all over everything and her face was all red and splotchy. She used some words I am pretty sure your grandmother wouldn’t like while she kept yelling that I had ruined her laptop.

It was NOT a good day after that.

Still, I guess your mom loves me anyway. She was mad, but she kept saying that I was lucky that I am cute. Thank goodness! I am kind of gorgeous, aren’t I?

Plus, whenever I want to play, I chomp down on one of her socks, she says, “Jamie, No!” but she also laughs and gets one of my toys so we can play, so clearly she adores me. It is kind of cool around here, isn’t it? What were we talking about? I think it was important, but I can’t remember.


OH—FISH! Yeah, I don’t like fish. Tuna is okay, but I would rather have some chicken or some turkey. Thanksgiving is almost here. You know, if you happen to spill food again, I wouldn’t mind helping out. Just saying!

I need a snack! Hope school is okay! Save me some jerky treats from your lunch!
Jamie

NO! Bad dog!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

December 1, 2006

Dear Ethan,

It has come to my attention that your silly dog Jamie is trying to type to your sister to tell fibs about me. I’m not surprised; everyone knows that dogs are attention-seekers who would do tricks for a slice of cheese.

I have NEVER descended to that low of a level. If I want fish or other yummy treats I just take them off of your plate like a proper cat. Dogs are dumb, am I right?

Anyway, I know that Jamie is going to tell your sister stories to make me look bad. Do not believe anything she says. You and I both know she isn’t that bright–for goodness sake, she chases her own tail!!!

I tried to stop Jamie from using your mom’s laptop. I tried to use the water-spray bottle, but I couldn’t get my paws around the squirt handle to make it spray. Trixie helped me open the bottle and we dumped the water all over her. She ran away and it was AWESOME!

Side note: Your mom needs a new laptop. No reason.

Also, apparently someone, I’m thinking Jamie, ordered a fresh seafood delivery that’s coming this weekend. Did you know your mom stores her credit card information on her computer? That’s the rumor I hear!

That’s all for now. I just want to make all of this very clear: the dog is typing I told her no, but I don’t trust her. You really shouldn’t trust her either. Remember the last time the plumber came to the house? She licked him!!! What kind of guard dog is THAT?

At least I scratched him when he tried to baby talk me! So which of us is better for the family–the one who greets burglars, or the one who defends family honor????

I have to go wait for the fish delivery. Fresh tuna is a lot cheaper than I thought!

Cheers!
LuLu

The Dog is Scared

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon.

December 1, 2006

Dear Olivia,

LuLu is up to something—I just know it!

I’ve seen her and her little cat gang typing letters to your brother the last few days. They’re talking about me! I’m not being paranoid—I’m not even sure what that word means!  

I can tell that they’re planning something big, because whenever I’m around they go all quiet. LuLu hops down from the keyboard and chases me out of the kitchen. It could be a dognapping plot! You must help me!


If you will not help me, at least share your dinner tonight so I can die happy!

Your loyal friend,

Jamie