NO! Bad dog!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

December 1, 2006

Dear Ethan,

It has come to my attention that your silly dog Jamie is trying to type to your sister to tell fibs about me. I’m not surprised; everyone knows that dogs are attention-seekers who would do tricks for a slice of cheese.

I have NEVER descended to that low of a level. If I want fish or other yummy treats I just take them off of your plate like a proper cat. Dogs are dumb, am I right?

Anyway, I know that Jamie is going to tell your sister stories to make me look bad. Do not believe anything she says. You and I both know she isn’t that bright–for goodness sake, she chases her own tail!!!

I tried to stop Jamie from using your mom’s laptop. I tried to use the water-spray bottle, but I couldn’t get my paws around the squirt handle to make it spray. Trixie helped me open the bottle and we dumped the water all over her. She ran away and it was AWESOME!

Side note: Your mom needs a new laptop. No reason.

Also, apparently someone, I’m thinking Jamie, ordered a fresh seafood delivery that’s coming this weekend. Did you know your mom stores her credit card information on her computer? That’s the rumor I hear!

That’s all for now. I just want to make all of this very clear: the dog is typing I told her no, but I don’t trust her. You really shouldn’t trust her either. Remember the last time the plumber came to the house? She licked him!!! What kind of guard dog is THAT?

At least I scratched him when he tried to baby talk me! So which of us is better for the family–the one who greets burglars, or the one who defends family honor????

I have to go wait for the fish delivery. Fresh tuna is a lot cheaper than I thought!



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