Monstery-thingy mom

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon.

Dear Olivia,

I am so confused right now!!! I was trying to type a letter to your mom to warn her about LuLu stealing her identity and ordering lots of tuna fish, and I got in trouble! ME!!!

I never get into trouble! The cats dumped water all over the laptop and then pretended to be asleep when your mom came into the room. The spray bottle was next to my paws, so your mom thought I had done it!!! Did you know that your mom looks scary when she gets mad? I mean super-scary!!!

I saw something like it once before. You were watching this weird movie. It must have been a good movie because you spilled half of your popcorn on the floor. You may not have noticed because I cleaned it up for you (you’re welcome!) This big monstery-creature was stomping all over a city and making people scream.

That’s what it was like when your mom got mad. She was stomping all over everything and her face was all red and splotchy. She used some words I am pretty sure your grandmother wouldn’t like while she kept yelling that I had ruined her laptop.

It was NOT a good day after that.

Still, I guess your mom loves me anyway. She was mad, but she kept saying that I was lucky that I am cute. Thank goodness! I am kind of gorgeous, aren’t I?

Plus, whenever I want to play, I chomp down on one of her socks, she says, “Jamie, No!” but she also laughs and gets one of my toys so we can play, so clearly she adores me. It is kind of cool around here, isn’t it? What were we talking about? I think it was important, but I can’t remember.


OH—FISH! Yeah, I don’t like fish. Tuna is okay, but I would rather have some chicken or some turkey. Thanksgiving is almost here. You know, if you happen to spill food again, I wouldn’t mind helping out. Just saying!

I need a snack! Hope school is okay! Save me some jerky treats from your lunch!
Jamie

NO! Bad dog!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

December 1, 2006

Dear Ethan,

It has come to my attention that your silly dog Jamie is trying to type to your sister to tell fibs about me. I’m not surprised; everyone knows that dogs are attention-seekers who would do tricks for a slice of cheese.

I have NEVER descended to that low of a level. If I want fish or other yummy treats I just take them off of your plate like a proper cat. Dogs are dumb, am I right?

Anyway, I know that Jamie is going to tell your sister stories to make me look bad. Do not believe anything she says. You and I both know she isn’t that bright–for goodness sake, she chases her own tail!!!

I tried to stop Jamie from using your mom’s laptop. I tried to use the water-spray bottle, but I couldn’t get my paws around the squirt handle to make it spray. Trixie helped me open the bottle and we dumped the water all over her. She ran away and it was AWESOME!

Side note: Your mom needs a new laptop. No reason.

Also, apparently someone, I’m thinking Jamie, ordered a fresh seafood delivery that’s coming this weekend. Did you know your mom stores her credit card information on her computer? That’s the rumor I hear!

That’s all for now. I just want to make all of this very clear: the dog is typing I told her no, but I don’t trust her. You really shouldn’t trust her either. Remember the last time the plumber came to the house? She licked him!!! What kind of guard dog is THAT?

At least I scratched him when he tried to baby talk me! So which of us is better for the family–the one who greets burglars, or the one who defends family honor????

I have to go wait for the fish delivery. Fresh tuna is a lot cheaper than I thought!

Cheers!
LuLu

The Cat is Learning to Type

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon.

November 29, 2006

Dear Ethan,

 I’ve wanted to write to you for a while, but it’s been almost impossible. It is very hard for me to use a pencil. Both times I’ve tried I accidentally stabbed myself in the eye.

Fortunately, I discovered by accident that it is very easy for me to type. It takes me a great deal of time. I have to pick out one letter at a time with my claws, but it is worth it to know that I can finally communicate with you.

I’m not a tattle tale, but I’ve wanted to let you know for a while that every day when you leave for school your dog goes upstairs and plays with all of your stuff. Sometimes Jamie also tries to buy dog toys and raw steaks on the internet.

I tried to take pictures so you’d have some proof, but I had trouble working the camera. Darn these paws! Just remember to hide your money, your candy, and your trains before you go to school.

YOUR DOG CAN NOT BE TRUSTED!

Your feline friend,

LuLu

The Dog is Scared

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon.

December 1, 2006

Dear Olivia,

LuLu is up to something—I just know it!

I’ve seen her and her little cat gang typing letters to your brother the last few days. They’re talking about me! I’m not being paranoid—I’m not even sure what that word means!  

I can tell that they’re planning something big, because whenever I’m around they go all quiet. LuLu hops down from the keyboard and chases me out of the kitchen. It could be a dognapping plot! You must help me!


If you will not help me, at least share your dinner tonight so I can die happy!

Your loyal friend,

Jamie