Snow-sycophants beware!

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I think it’s time that you and I had a talk. I heard you wishing for snow. You’re old enough now to know a basic fact of life: snow is bad.

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

You cannot pay any attention to the movies and television shows that portray snow as charming and special. Snow is an obnoxious obscuring of the senses.

Seriously, this garbage about snow being magical is just propaganda. Ask anyone above kitten-age. Snow-sycophants are blind to the obvious truth: Snow is a manipulation tactic.

The bread and milk producers and the weather forecasters have some kind of backroom deal. Whenever profits are low, grocers and bread-makers call the weather reporters and get them to threaten snow. Don’t believe me–just watch!

As soon as a forecaster claims that “Snowmagedon” is on the horizon, people panic. They rush to store and buy bread, milk, and eggs. Why??? How much French toast does one family need? Seriously, it’s just a scam!

Look little human: Snow is wet. Wet is bad. Snow is cold. Cold is bad.

Snowy days mean less sun, and that is very, very bad. Everyone stays home. All day. During my nap time. PLUS while it is snowing there are very few birds playing outside the window. Also, very bad. I like to visualize my lunch before I eat it.

Dry, sunny, warm days create glowing heated hot spots just right for relaxing. True magic is a radiating orb casting light on you while you stretch your claws out towards the sun, just rolling around. The sun beams and I beam, that’s how it works. Yes, give me a warm blanket and a cozy spot of sunlight and I’m in Heaven!

Just imagine it, some nice human bringing you something dead to eat while you take in the glow of the day’s light while watching little birds and flying things move past your window. It’s like living in a daydream.

I forgive you for wanting snow; after all, you’re only human. But please remember, dear boy, that the soft embrace of the sun’s rays beats the cold smack of winter anytime.

Your friend,

LuLu

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