The cats are a menace!

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I have not slept (much) all week!!!! I have been trying to patrol the house while your parents were snoring. They are so loud that they would never hear a pirate invasion! I want to keep you & your kibble safe from those pirates everyone is talking about! But I figured it would be safe to nap during the day, right?

Nope. Every time I start to fall asleep LuLu screams, “Pirates” from her perch at the top of the stairs. It is NOT funny! Pirates are serious business! I have my pillows, my blanket, and my stuffed duck. They need protecting!

Yesterday I saw that LuLu was asleep (faker!) so I thought that I could finally get some rest. I had snuggled Ducky and did my sleep-spin-cycle (three times around, and then settle down). Your mom was using her new laptop and your dad was yelling at basketball players on the television (has anyone told him that the players can’t hear him?).

It was a perfect time to rest. I had just started to drift off, and then—AUGH!!!! LuLu yelled, “Pirates” and I jumped up and ran to the living room. SMACK!!! The gate! I forgot about the gate!!!

I smooshed my nose and my eyes got kind of weepy, and I still tried to push through, I had to save us! But that villainous feline started laughing. No; not laughing, cackling. Do you call it cackling when it’s a cat?

Then, as if things weren’t bad enough, Trixie and LuLu dumped a bunch of ornaments on my head! By the way, they are not shatterproof!

Your mom didn’t know what was going on and thought I was chasing the cat (more tempting than ever right now) but I wasn’t. I was trying to defend us! Those stupid cats keep getting in the way!

Look, I understand that your mom has this weird thing about how I use the Christmas tree (clearly she is confused about the indoor-toilet issue), but the gates are hurting my face and my work! How can I keep you guys safe when I can’t run to the door?

The other day that weird guy came to fix the internet and they just let him in! They didn’t sniff him, or jump on him, or lick him, or anything! And that guy was obviously shady!

How can you fix the internet when you don’t have a net with you? You and your parents need me, and you have GOT to let me do my job!!!

PLEASE talk to your mom! I can’t, so someone has to!!!

Stay safe!


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