Banish the house-hounds!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Your dumb dog is confused. Again. That is not totally surprising, but what shocks me is that everyone finds it amusing.

Your stupid dog Jamie has decided that your mom gets grumpy because she’s allergic to meat. That’s not even possible! Jamie has been stalking your mom in the kitchen. Every time your mom has out bacon, chicken, or fish, Jamie tries to snatch it away.

Now me, I find this annoying. If anyone is getting extra fish around here it should be me!!! But your mom says it’s cute. She doesn’t let anyone scold Jamie because she’s (and I quote) “just being a dog”. PUH-LEASE!!!

That dog knows EXACTLY what she’s doing, and I do not appreciate it! ALL FISH IN THIS HOUSE BELONGS TO ME! Speaking of which, when are you building a fish pond? I’ve heard your parents are meeting with landscapers next week. This better be about my fish pond! Fresh fish is very healthy for cats!

Look, your mom is grumpy for one reason: THE DOGS!

Think about it: the dogs have to go outside at 5a.m. every morning, when most of us are starting to go to bed! If your mom has the nerve to go to the bathroom by herself, the dogs claw and whine at the bathroom door. She gets NO personal time!

If your mom is petting me (as she is supposed to do), the dogs watch and wait. They just want to chase me as soon as she puts me down, so your (not-getting-any-younger) mom has to walk to the other side of the child gates to make sure that I’m not harassed by the dogs’ obnoxiousness.

Face it, dogs make life difficult. Jamie thinks your mom needs de-worming and that she’s allergic to meat. I think your mom is allergic to foolishness and needs to get rid of the dogs. Trust me, once those two drool-factories are gone your mom will be much happier!

I’ll go pack the dog toys, you figure out how to get those house-hounds out of our home.

Problem solved! You’re welcome!

Your only true friend (unlike the dogs),



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