Cat resolutions aren’t a good thing

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

WOW. Just WOW. This New Year is starting off just plain WEIRD!

First, your neighbor got so sloshed that he set fire to that big tree in the back! Seriously, fireworks, guns, and vodka are not a good mix!

Mind you, it was kind of funny to watch the dog cry. She really liked that tree! (Dogs are gross, am I right? Use a litter box like a normal person!)

The next day your mom went NUTS; actually she went more than that! What would that be nuts and crackers? Bonkers? One pound of kibble short of a full bag?

She went out to shop, so I’m thinking, great! She’ll get treats and meaties and other yummy things. Nope! Your mom brought home this ginormous box, and she and your dad spent three hours putting it together. Your mom uses swear words. A LOT. She calls them sentence enhancers, but I’m not so sure!

They put together this weird thing that looked like moving road; they called it a treadmill. Your mom kept saying that they would have to keep their resolution to exercise this year since they have invested a lot of money on this dumb thing.

Ummmmmm, your mom knows that the road she drives on outside is free, right? Why can’t they use THAT?

So first your mom gets on it. I had a bet with my sister kitten Trixie that your mom would collapse after a minute, but I lost. Your mom did a full fifteen minutes! She also did a lot more swearing, so I guess the machine works on legs AND mouth???

It gets better. Babbie, that stupid Jack Russell Terrier (more like a terrorist) your mom adores and lets sleep on her bed (GROSS), wanted to try it. Babbie loves to run! Problem is, Babbie couldn’t reach the “on” button, so I decided to help.

Babbie and Jamie were pawing at the buttons but neither could get it to work ‘cuz you have to hit two buttons at the same time. I had Jamie push the “start” button while I pressed the “speed” button. (Dogs never learn.)

Babbie went flying! It was AWESOME! I might have accidentally pressed the speed button to go at the top level! Whoops! My bad!

Stupid Jamie decided that I had tried to kill Babbie on purpose and started chasing me. I knocked off so much stuff! I missed a vase and had to double-back to swipe it. When your mom & dad came running, Trixie and I skidaddled like we were cat-shaped wind.

Jamie and Babbie got blamed for EVERYTHING! All those hideous hounds could do was look sad while your mom & dad scolded them. Trixie and I were “asleep” in our basket, so your parents were sure that we weren’t involved.

While your mom cleaned up the room and the broken glass she used more of those swear words she says keep her from hitting people. The best entertainment really is homemade, am I right?

So, since everyone is having a resolution for the New Year, I am making one too. I solemnly pledge to cause as much trouble for the dogs as possible, and to throw up in a different family member’s shoes every week. What is life without goals???

Love & fishes,



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