Category: Uncategorized

Fight the Fish Conglomerate!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan, you ignorant monkey-brained Philistine. HOW. DARE. YOU.

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon



WHY is there a fish in this house that is, to quote your equally ignorant monkey-minded mother, “Not for eating”?!!!!! Have you lost your tuna-soaked mind?!!!

FISH ARE FOR FOOD. No bones about it, even though there are bones in fish. We eat fish or else fish will eat us. Have you never seen Shark Week on television? It’s very simple, so even YOU should understand it.

All of us cats are taught from the beginning that we have a sacred duty to protect the world from fish. Fish look innocent, HAH!

You’ve heard the phrase that looks can be deceiving, but as my cat friends will tell you, looks are LIES. No one is scared of a tiny fish like that stupid beta fish your sister calls Tommy. He just looks like a little bit of an appetizer in a bowl, right? WRONG. Dead wrong.

He is part of the larger fish conglomerate that aims to take over the world. Don’t believe me?

Fact: 71% of the Earth is water.
Also fact: Fish live and breathe in water.

Also another fact: Humans can’t breathe in water.

Naïve humans like your mom buy fish for pets. Not wise! Now there is more water in the house because so-called pet fish have to have bowls or tanks.

Human families (like yours) feed the fish and so that those fish become bigger and bigger. The human families even buy bigger bowls and bigger tanks so that the “pet” fish have more room.

And boy, do those fish take advantage of the situation!

FISH ARE SPIES. Fiends. Reprobates.

Fish let humans feed and indulge them; all of the while, the fish are documenting every human move. They pass that data on to the bigger fish, who use the information to victimize other humans. Humans just like you. Think carefully. How do sharks always seem to know when it is spring break and humans will be at the beach on holiday?

Are you really so gullible that you believe that sharks just randomly show up for a human snack?


No, my dear, ignoramous-child. House-fish have found a way to communicate with ocean-fish, i.e. sharks, and this spy-collaborative has already started to push their plan for world domination.

More water in more fish bowls and tanks means that slowly, subtly, quietly, more and more of the Earth is becoming a fish habitat. It is that sinister, and that simple.

You must eat fish before they eat you.

And THAT is why I was trying to take your sister’s fish from his bowl. Sure, he looks delicious, but I was trying to protect you, despite what everyone seemed to be thinking. You’re welcome. I will go upstairs after I finish this letter (and your sister goes to sleep) and chomp Tommy the fish into submission.

I am glad that you can finally understand that feeding fish to cats is humankind’s only hope for salvation. Tomorrow we can go to the aquarium and deal with all of the fish-spies there.

 Enjoy your day, monkey-child!
LuLu Cat, your hero

Stupid Sylvester Wanna-Bes!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

NOT GOOD! NOT GOOD! NOT GOOD! Why did you let your mom buy a fish no one wants to eat? What were you thinking???

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

WAIT. Babbie says letters have to start with Dear.

So, Dear Olivia,

What were you thinking? Why did you let your mom buy a pet fish? Why the heck is it called a pet when it has no fur, swims in a bowl, and you can’t touch it? How the heck do you pet a fish? Do you know what I have been through since last night???

First, your mom brings in this blacky-bluey beta fish. LuLu and Trixie FLEW from the top of the stairs to look! The cats thought it was a snack for them!

So then your mom puts the fish in a bowl and hands it to your sister and told her happy birthday. Is her birthday going to be his death day? The cats sure think so!

Your sister named the fish Tommy! Tommy-what kind of name is that for a fish?

Your sister put Tommy’s bowl next to her bed. She was giggling and laughing about her new friend like it was the best thing ever. She was singing to that stupid fish and telling him he was her new best friend. What am I, chopped Alpo?

LuLu and Trixie (those darn cats!) started to creep up the stairs. They did this weird thing where they stretched out their paws, reached up to the next steps, and then pattered up quickly. Then they would get to the next step and freeze. Then they made weird ick-ick noises, and their paws would go out as they did that slow stretchy-quick pattery thing.

Step to step to step. Ick stretch. Ick stretch. Ick stretch. I could tell this was not a good thing, so I followed. They were so focused on getting to the fish, they never even noticed. I can be sneaky when I want to be. Well, sort of.

Like furry, silky slinkys those crazy calico cats melted up the stairs and around the corner to your sister’s room. While she was singing, they were reaching.

Their paws reached up and I did the only thing I could do. I ran in and snapped at them. UGH! Talk about drama!

They fell to the floor and rolled around crying like they were scared of me.They acted like I had hurt them or something! Stupid Sylvester-Cat-wannabes!

Your mom ran in and made me go downstairs. I growled at the cats and your mom got scary-mad. I hate when she does that. She bat-flapped her arms to shoo me down the stairs and told me not to be mean to the cats. AS IF!


So now, on top of Porch Pirates and delivery people trying to invade our house I’m gonna have to guard a stupid fish! A FISH! The worst part is that everyone is now made at ME because they think I attacked the cats! I HATE THIS!!!

Please, please, please, you have got to warn them! That fish does not have a chance against two hungry cats! Help me save Tommy! And remember, if it doesn’t have fur and you can’t touch it, it’s not a pet!

Love & exhaustion,

Jamie

Finally, FISH!!!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

My dearest, darlingest Ethan!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Oh, happy, happy day! You glorious human monkey-child, I had no idea how much you love me!!!

I confess, I was disheartened, downtrodden, and distressed to discover that dogs getting shots meant something other than simply shooting them, sigh…But THIS makes up for it!

A fish! An actual fish in a bowl just for me! Oh Great Garfield, this is FANTASTIC!

Your deluded dog friends seem to think that the fish will be a pet. AS IF! Dogs just do not understand. Fish. Are. Food.

Everyone knows this! Your parents eat tuna and salmon and tilapia and shrimp–they get it! They do not eat these often enough, mind you, but at least a couple of times a week there is pescatarian deliciousness waiting for me!

Now, we must address an important question (or two!) Why will it have a name? Your silly sibling says that you are naming the fish Tommy. Why would you name it anything other than Lunch, or, perhaps, Dinner?

Also, why do you need a special bowl for this meal? I think your parents may have misunderstood how this works. You buy fresh fish. You eat fresh fish. On rare, RARE occasions, you might want to waste time and cook the fish. You do NOT give it room and board! Unless–

Are they waiting so they can fatten it up? I guess that might be reasonable, but wouldn’t it make more sense to simply buy a larger fish? Your parents said it is a beta fish. How many pounds are betas? I looked online, but clearly I found the wrong information, because this fish looked small. The article also said it was “not for consumption” which is just ridiculous. ALL fish are for consumption!

Regardless of what happens, I am looking forward to finally having live fish to eat! The ones your parents get at market are delicious, but they are dead. I am anticipating a lot more flavor in a lively and delicious creature! I shall watch the special bowl and prepare myself for a frenzied feast!

Thank you for finally doing this! Just a quick reminder that one fish is not enough–we will need a LOT more!


Your new best friend (depending on how this fish tastes!)

LuLu

Canine confusion–help!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I hope you like your lunch today. I took a bite out of your sandwich just to check it. Then I got worried because what if there was something wrong with the part of the sandwich I hadn’t tasted yet? I ate the whole thing. Sorry. You still love me, right?

Okay, so last week LuLu kept yelling that Babbie and I were gonna get shot. We were a little scared but not too much, ‘cuz your mom really loves us a lot. But LuLu said it was on the calendar “dogs-shots”, so we weren’t sure what was happening.

You mom took us to the vet and her assistant brought out a pointy needley-thing. We growled at it, but it just kind of stuck in us for a minute and then went away. Sort of like a splinter. I don’t want to do that again, but it wasn’t awful, and the vet told everyone that I was a good girl. Plus I got a biscuit!

LuLu looked sad when we came home. The cat doesn’t really hate us, does she? We like them. Sometimes. Not when they claws us, or bite at us, or push stuff on our heads, but other times. Like when they’re asleep. Babbie and I agree that when those twin-cats are asleep they look so soft and cuddly.

They’re not by the way. If you try to cuddle either one of the calico sisters you find out they’re more pointy than cuddly. I learned that the hard way!

LuLu Cat keeps calling us pests, but we just want to help. That’s why I ate your sandwich. And your cookies. And your candy. They could be poison, you don’t know! My job is to keep you safe. I bark at shadows and eat the foods. That’s my job.

Anyways, we weren’t shot and we aren’t pests. That’s all I need to say.

One question: Why is you mom talking about where to put the fish bowl? WHAT fish bowl? Don’t you usually cook fish and just put it on a plate? Why do the cats look excited???

I’m so confused! Help!

Jamie

Shoot the pests!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

It’s going to be great day, I can just tell!

Your mom said the dogs are going to get their shots. Can I watch? I’d really like to see them get shot. It’s my solemn duty as a cat to make this happen. Time to get rid of those awful pests! (Well, it’s past time to get rid of them, but I will take what I can get!)

What kind of gun is used, and why does a vet have to do it? Could I help? I could buy a BB gun and see how the Pests like it. I bet that’d get ‘em. Your brother has a water gun. I can use that for practice!

I noticed that this guy on Animal Planet had a ginormous elephant tranquilizer gun. Could we use that instead? Better still, we could feed the dogs to the elephants!

Ooh—we could videotape the whole thing and then send the film to America’s Funniest Home Videos. We’d get rid of the dogs and win money at the same time! Sounds great!

By the way, I’m planning to put a hairball in your mom’s shoes later. She gave the dogs some of the leftover chicken, but I didn’t get anything! What kind of nonsense is that?

I really should not get leftovers, I should have my own place at the table. Much more appropriate, I say! Think about it this way: your family tries to stop me from jumping (gracefully, I might add) onto the table, claiming I will get cat hair in the food. Yet ALL of my food gets cat hair in it, and I am healthier than ALL of you!

Look at me–I’m light on my paws, I can see in the dark, and I can catch mice! When was the last time someone in your family pounced on a mouse–never!!! Usually your mom screams and your dad gets a broom. Pathetic!

Your mom may say that she likes cats better than dogs, but I’m not sure she’s telling the truth. If she wasn’t so good at petting me I might show her exactly what I think of her being nice to those horrible dog-pests. She’s lucky she has such a cushy lap.

What if we threw some bacon out the front door? While the dogs run outside to get it we could lock them out of the house. Might be a good idea, just think about it for a while. No more ugly, stinky, stupid dogs—Heaven! Plus, no police or investigations disrupting my nap time. I’m in!

I’ll try and add bacon to your mom’s shopping list tonight. I have a lot of trouble holding pens and crayons, so I won’t make any promises about writing anything. I wish your mom typed her shopping list on her computer. That would make it much easier for me.

Hope you have a good day at school today. Remember that Valentine’s Day will be here before you know it. Boxes of chocolates are for suckers; boxes of dead lizards and rats mean true love. Remember that when you get me my Valentine’s gifts!

Hugs & scratches,
LuLu

Can we go to Disney?

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I want to go to Disney! When you guys went last year you came back with cool toys and talked about good food. I like toys. I LOVE food. I want to go!

Places like that have a lot of extra food. It’s like the park but bigger, right? People always drop food at the park, so I bet they drop food at Disney!

I heard that while you were there Ethan got a turkey leg. Where’s mine? I like turkey! I like everything! I can eat and protect you all at the same time!

I know the cats say I get distracted but I don’t! Food is my focus! Well, food and stray cats. And stray dogs. And anything that makes the curtains move. I have to bark at stuff. Those are the rules. I think.

I heard that there are rides that spin around and around. Do you feel like you’re chasing your own tail when you go on the teacup ride? Can you chase the cups? Do you drop your food while you spin? Who threw up? Your mom said it was gross, but I bet it looked funny!

What about the roller coaster? Do your ears start to flap and then fly out behind you?

If I were to jump out of the roller coaster car and catch one of the dinosaurs, would I get a prize for saving everyone? Do you have to stay in the tube at the river rapids ride? Can you swim your way down?

Disney sounds like a playground for dogs!

I’ve heard that there are a couple of yellow dogs that live there all the time, but that may not be true. Your mom said that one of the dogs wears clothes and drives a car. Apparently he’s a goofy kind of guy. Does that mean that he’s clumsy, or is he just silly? Did you mom make that up?

Start saving up your money so you can buy turkey legs for me. That way we’ll both be happy. Have a cat-free day!

Jamie

Snow-sycophants beware!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I think it’s time that you and I had a talk. I heard you wishing for snow. You’re old enough now to know a basic fact of life: snow is bad.

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

You cannot pay any attention to the movies and television shows that portray snow as charming and special. Snow is an obnoxious obscuring of the senses.

Seriously, this garbage about snow being magical is just propaganda. Ask anyone above kitten-age. Snow-sycophants are blind to the obvious truth: Snow is a manipulation tactic.

The bread and milk producers and the weather forecasters have some kind of backroom deal. Whenever profits are low, grocers and bread-makers call the weather reporters and get them to threaten snow. Don’t believe me–just watch!

As soon as a forecaster claims that “Snowmagedon” is on the horizon, people panic. They rush to store and buy bread, milk, and eggs. Why??? How much French toast does one family need? Seriously, it’s just a scam!

Look little human: Snow is wet. Wet is bad. Snow is cold. Cold is bad.

Snowy days mean less sun, and that is very, very bad. Everyone stays home. All day. During my nap time. PLUS while it is snowing there are very few birds playing outside the window. Also, very bad. I like to visualize my lunch before I eat it.

Dry, sunny, warm days create glowing heated hot spots just right for relaxing. True magic is a radiating orb casting light on you while you stretch your claws out towards the sun, just rolling around. The sun beams and I beam, that’s how it works. Yes, give me a warm blanket and a cozy spot of sunlight and I’m in Heaven!

Just imagine it, some nice human bringing you something dead to eat while you take in the glow of the day’s light while watching little birds and flying things move past your window. It’s like living in a daydream.

I forgive you for wanting snow; after all, you’re only human. But please remember, dear boy, that the soft embrace of the sun’s rays beats the cold smack of winter anytime.

Your friend,

LuLu

Funky Fido Party Time!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Last night was great! When your parents took you to the park Babbie and I had a couple of friends over. I like friends.

Friends are fun. Until they eat all of your food or take your ball. Then friends are stupid.

You and I are best friends, right? Friends share dinner. You can have my food and I can have yours, right?

Dog friends are crazy. Or is it bad? I heard that bad means good, but that doesn’t seem right. When your mom says “bad dog” it doesn’t seem like she’s happy.

My friends and I danced to your sister’s disco cd. I’m telling you, poodles may look funny but they sure can dance. The Funky Chicken became the Funky Fido!

Someone filled the bubble blower with whipped cream instead of bubbles. I laughed so hard I almost lifted a leg! 

We jumped to catch the cream in our mouths. It was awesome! Babbie got covered in cream splatter, but she licked herself clean. It was like a bonus!

She’s kind of sticky now. We all offered to help her her lick her fur but she refused. She gets weird about dogs licking her rear end. Weird. Sniffs are okay, but licks make her grumpy.

Babbie had stashed some food under the couch. Remember when your mom got mad ‘cuz somebody ate all the leftover ham? Yeah, sort of sorry about that. We wanted to have food for our friends.

See what I said there? Friends give food to other friends. Like ham, and chicken, and steak, and whatever your mom cooks for dinner. Except that spaghetti squash stuff.

The sauce was good, but that was NOT spaghetti. Just plain weird.

LuLu and Trixie were totally rude. They wouldn’t come downstairs at all. One of the poodles made a joke about cat pinatas and they got all mad. It was a joke!

We weren’t going to hit the cats to see if Pupperoni or something came out. I don’t want to know WHAT would come out of LuLu if we hit her with a bat. Her eyes are brown and green for a reason. Yuck.

Have fun at school. Don’t forget what I said about sharing food!

Your friend,

Jamie

Shave the dogs!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Wednesday was ROTTEN. Your mom wouldn’t let me put candy canes on the dogs to make them smell better. She didn’t seem to understand that I was only trying to help! Those candy canes have been on the counter for a month! Nobody wants them anyway, so why can’t I repurpose them?

Since she wouldn’t let me tape the peppermint to the dogs, I got out your dad’s razor. I thought that I could shave off all the dogs’ hair and maybe that would get rid of the wet dog stench. Even if shaving them bald didn’t help the smell, I’d still get to laugh at them for being furless. Either way it seemed like a great plan.

Well, your mom caught me chasing the dogs with the razor in my mouth. She was NOT a happy lady. First, she used a lot of those sentence enhancer words, the kind that upset your granny so much. Then, she took the razor away and then gave the dogs a treat.

Can you believe that?!! She gave them a TREAT—just for being smelly, stinky, slobbering creatures who were too dumb to get shaved by a cat. I’m telling you, your mom is really unfair, I might even have to move. I wonder what it’s like for cats in Russia. Maybe I could move there. I bet Russian cats get to shave their dogs. Yeesh!

I noticed that your mom is making chicken tonight. Maybe I’ll stay. See if she can throw a few rats into the recipe for me, okay? You haven’t set a place for me at the dining room table, so yet again I will have to walk across it when the meal is served. I have made it clear, time and time again, that I need my own chair.

I clawed a chair in the living room as a clear symbol of ownership. Notice that no one says anything when I sleep in that chair! Yet when everyone sits down in the hoity-toity dining room I am expected to get of the table or leave the chair that gets the sun through the window. Don’t think I haven’t noticed, and do not presume that I am not offended. Assume that I am ALWAYS offended. It makes life easier for all of us; well, at least it makes life easier for me.

I watch everything that goes on. One of these days you may need to know something important, like where your mom hides presents, where she secrets the good candy, and where she keeps the cat treats, and you’ll need a favor from me. Just think about it. You scratch my fur, I’ll scratch yours.

I might decide to scratch you anyway. You just never know.

Have a good day at school & don’t forget my rats,

LuLu

Candy canes & duct tape!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

You DO NOT want to know what LuLu and her sister Trixie were doing this morning!

Well, I’m gonna tell you anyway. I have to tell someone, and I don’t have any stamps so I can’t mail these letters to anyone. Besides, who’d believe me? LuLu always looks so innocent! 

There Babbie and I were, sleeping on protecting the couch.  LuLu and Trixie started to circle us. They claimed that they wanted to be friends, and they offered us jerky treats. They said it was a peace offering because they wanted to be friends. As if!

Then, when we got on the floor to grab the treats, they jumped on us!  Babbie and I ran different ways as fast as we could. Everything was crazy—it was like living in a nightmare, only we couldn’t wake up to stop it!

LuLu and Trixie were chasing us this way and that. They were yelling, “Rah, rah, rah! Seize the Pests!” I think that Babbie and I are “the Pests”. But I’m not sure why. We don’t pester anyone. Everyone loves us—don’t they? It’s so confusing!

LuLu was carrying duct tape and leftover peppermint canes the whole time and saying something about wet dog smell, which is just silly. Everyone knows that wet dogs smell better than dry ones. She kept trying to hold us down and tape the candy canes to us!

LuLu has just gone crazy—or crazier, if that’s possible.

I have to go into hiding now. Babbie and I found out that the cats won’t come near the bathtub if the water’s running. We don’t like it either, since we don’t want to take a bath, but it’s the only room that’s safe. The cats only go into the bathroom if your mom is using the toilet, so I figure we’re good for a while, right?

We’ve kept the cold water turned on so we can have a nice drink while we wait for your mom to get home. Hopefully she’ll find out what’s going on. I’d like to see LuLu chase your mom with duct tape!

Your canine friend who needs HELPPPPPP!!!!

Jamie