Fight the Fish Conglomerate!

Dear Ethan, you ignorant monkey-brained Philistine. HOW. DARE. YOU.

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

WHY is there a fish in this house that is, to quote your equally ignorant monkey-minded mother, “Not for eating”?!!!!! Have you lost your tuna-soaked mind?!!!

FISH ARE FOR FOOD. No bones about it, even though there are bones in fish. We eat fish or else fish will eat us. Have you never seen Shark Week on television? It’s very simple, so even YOU should understand it.

All of us cats are taught from the beginning that we have a sacred duty to protect the world from fish. Fish look innocent, HAH!

You’ve heard the phrase that looks can be deceiving, but as my cat friends will tell you, looks are LIES. No one is scared of a tiny fish like that stupid beta fish your sister calls Tommy. He just looks like a little bit of an appetizer in a bowl, right? WRONG. Dead wrong.

He is part of the larger fish conglomerate that aims to take over the world. Don’t believe me?

Fact: 71% of the Earth is water.
Also fact: Fish live and breathe in water.

Also another fact: Humans can’t breathe in water.

Naïve humans like your mom buy fish for pets. Not wise! Now there is more water in the house because so-called pet fish have to have bowls or tanks.

Human families (like yours) feed the fish and so that those fish become bigger and bigger. The human families even buy bigger bowls and bigger tanks so that the “pet” fish have more room.

And boy, do those fish take advantage of the situation!

FISH ARE SPIES. Fiends. Reprobates.

Fish let humans feed and indulge them; all of the while, the fish are documenting every human move. They pass that data on to the bigger fish, who use the information to victimize other humans. Humans just like you. Think carefully. How do sharks always seem to know when it is spring break and humans will be at the beach on holiday?

Are you really so gullible that you believe that sharks just randomly show up for a human snack?

No, my dear, ignoramous-child. House-fish have found a way to communicate with ocean-fish, i.e. sharks, and this spy-collaborative has already started to push their plan for world domination.

More water in more fish bowls and tanks means that slowly, subtly, quietly, more and more of the Earth is becoming a fish habitat. It is that sinister, and that simple.

You must eat fish before they eat you.

And THAT is why I was trying to take your sister’s fish from his bowl. Sure, he looks delicious, but I was trying to protect you, despite what everyone seemed to be thinking. You’re welcome. I will go upstairs after I finish this letter (and your sister goes to sleep) and chomp Tommy the fish into submission.

I am glad that you can finally understand that feeding fish to cats is humankind’s only hope for salvation. Tomorrow we can go to the aquarium and deal with all of the fish-spies there.

 Enjoy your day, monkey-child!
LuLu Cat, your hero


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s