Stupid Sylvester Wanna-Bes!

NOT GOOD! NOT GOOD! NOT GOOD! Why did you let your mom buy a fish no one wants to eat? What were you thinking???

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

WAIT. Babbie says letters have to start with Dear.

So, Dear Olivia,

What were you thinking? Why did you let your mom buy a pet fish? Why the heck is it called a pet when it has no fur, swims in a bowl, and you can’t touch it? How the heck do you pet a fish? Do you know what I have been through since last night???

First, your mom brings in this blacky-bluey beta fish. LuLu and Trixie FLEW from the top of the stairs to look! The cats thought it was a snack for them!

So then your mom puts the fish in a bowl and hands it to your sister and told her happy birthday. Is her birthday going to be his death day? The cats sure think so!

Your sister named the fish Tommy! Tommy-what kind of name is that for a fish?

Your sister put Tommy’s bowl next to her bed. She was giggling and laughing about her new friend like it was the best thing ever. She was singing to that stupid fish and telling him he was her new best friend. What am I, chopped Alpo?

LuLu and Trixie (those darn cats!) started to creep up the stairs. They did this weird thing where they stretched out their paws, reached up to the next steps, and then pattered up quickly. Then they would get to the next step and freeze. Then they made weird ick-ick noises, and their paws would go out as they did that slow stretchy-quick pattery thing.

Step to step to step. Ick stretch. Ick stretch. Ick stretch. I could tell this was not a good thing, so I followed. They were so focused on getting to the fish, they never even noticed. I can be sneaky when I want to be. Well, sort of.

Like furry, silky slinkys those crazy calico cats melted up the stairs and around the corner to your sister’s room. While she was singing, they were reaching.

Their paws reached up and I did the only thing I could do. I ran in and snapped at them. UGH! Talk about drama!

They fell to the floor and rolled around crying like they were scared of me.They acted like I had hurt them or something! Stupid Sylvester-Cat-wannabes!

Your mom ran in and made me go downstairs. I growled at the cats and your mom got scary-mad. I hate when she does that. She bat-flapped her arms to shoo me down the stairs and told me not to be mean to the cats. AS IF!

So now, on top of Porch Pirates and delivery people trying to invade our house I’m gonna have to guard a stupid fish! A FISH! The worst part is that everyone is now made at ME because they think I attacked the cats! I HATE THIS!!!

Please, please, please, you have got to warn them! That fish does not have a chance against two hungry cats! Help me save Tommy! And remember, if it doesn’t have fur and you can’t touch it, it’s not a pet!

Love & exhaustion,


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