Finally, FISH!!!

My dearest, darlingest Ethan!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Oh, happy, happy day! You glorious human monkey-child, I had no idea how much you love me!!!

I confess, I was disheartened, downtrodden, and distressed to discover that dogs getting shots meant something other than simply shooting them, sigh…But THIS makes up for it!

A fish! An actual fish in a bowl just for me! Oh Great Garfield, this is FANTASTIC!

Your deluded dog friends seem to think that the fish will be a pet. AS IF! Dogs just do not understand. Fish. Are. Food.

Everyone knows this! Your parents eat tuna and salmon and tilapia and shrimp–they get it! They do not eat these often enough, mind you, but at least a couple of times a week there is pescatarian deliciousness waiting for me!

Now, we must address an important question (or two!) Why will it have a name? Your silly sibling says that you are naming the fish Tommy. Why would you name it anything other than Lunch, or, perhaps, Dinner?

Also, why do you need a special bowl for this meal? I think your parents may have misunderstood how this works. You buy fresh fish. You eat fresh fish. On rare, RARE occasions, you might want to waste time and cook the fish. You do NOT give it room and board! Unless–

Are they waiting so they can fatten it up? I guess that might be reasonable, but wouldn’t it make more sense to simply buy a larger fish? Your parents said it is a beta fish. How many pounds are betas? I looked online, but clearly I found the wrong information, because this fish looked small. The article also said it was “not for consumption” which is just ridiculous. ALL fish are for consumption!

Regardless of what happens, I am looking forward to finally having live fish to eat! The ones your parents get at market are delicious, but they are dead. I am anticipating a lot more flavor in a lively and delicious creature! I shall watch the special bowl and prepare myself for a frenzied feast!

Thank you for finally doing this! Just a quick reminder that one fish is not enough–we will need a LOT more!

Your new best friend (depending on how this fish tastes!)



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