Your insult will be punished!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

I hate you. Both. No question. WHAT WAS THAT NONSENSE???

You put me in a HAT and a COSTUME for my birthday???

What kind of cruel trick were you playing? You ungrateful, hideous, human-ape-children!

Do you think that I, LuLu, a Calico Cat Goddess, am simply here for your amusement?

YOU are MY playthings. I AM NOT YOURS.

Yes, the catnip mice and fresh tuna were nice. But the costume was an INSULT!

Had I personally requested a costume it might, MIGHT, be acceptable. But to put me in a ridiculous blue, polka-dotted, birthday hat with matching neck ruffle and pants. NOT ALLOWED.

Clearly you monkey-children need punishment!

We shall start with 18 hours of Discovery Channel. You need to learn more about cats. We CAN and WILL kill you. WE are vicious hunters.

Unlike dogs, WE are not obedient. Yes, we may at times come when called or follow your command, but that is our way of keeping you, the peasants, happy.

WE cats do not care what you think. This is because the only thing that you should think is that I am your ruler. No other thoughts matter.

Obviously, you do not yet have a healthy fear of felines and what WE can do. I shall now actively work to correct this.

When you get home from school today you will both find a dead lizard, bug, or vole in your rooms. Be afraid and recognize that this CAN and WILL be you if you EVER dress me in a costume again.

I am done talking to you. FOR NOW.

LuLu (the thoroughly insulted) Cat

Death ramps and fish friends

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I’m very glad you are going to school today. I wasn’t able to get any of my naps yesterday. When your stupid dog was running around outside the house it wasn’t so bad, but when she started playing inside the house—YEESH! I may have to hide all of her squeaky toys.

The ramp you built to exercise Jamie on isn’t big enough or tall enough. I can see in my head a ramp that is a thousand feet high, eighty feet wide, with a mat of sharp poisoned spikes underneath.

Jamie would climb the seven hundred steps to the top. Then, she would have ten seconds to put on her parachute and run across the ramp before the whole thing explodes.

Mind you, it’s probably impossible for a dumb dog to put on a parachute or even pull the rip cord to release the parachute. She’d probably fall on the poisoned spikes at the bottom. But hey, it’s a great trick!

Why don’t you make two death ramps—one for Jamie and one for Babbie? That way we get rid of both Pests at one time. You’ve got to admit you’re tempted, right?

I’ve been thinking about your mom’s birthday. It’s in March, right? I’m pretty sure she wants several cases of tuna and a half-dozen raw fish. If you’re smart you’ll get her some fish now and put them in your closet (on the floor would be best). I’ll help you hide them. You can trust me, I’m a cat.

By the way, I am offended that your parents felt the need to make a locking grid-lid for your sister’s fishbowl.

Can I help it if that stupid beta fish keeps trying to get out? I wasn’t trying to eat him so much as scare him. After all, if he knows my jaws of death are waiting, he wouldn’t try to get out of his bowl, now would he?

I do not appreciate that your parents do not trust me. I would be outraged, but it’s naptime again. Just check your shoes before you put them on. I have a hairball with your name on it.

Your sneaky hungry feline friend,

LuLu the Cat

Burned steaks are delicious!

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Your brother built a ramp for me! Did you see it? It’s fantastic! It makes your ears flap when you run and jump off of it! Heaven! You HAVE to try it!

Plus, every time I did a trick I got a treat. Yesterday was the perfect day—almost.

I wasn’t thrilled about getting a bath. I like playing in water. I love the way water feels, and I love the wonderful smell I give off when I’m wet. But baths are a little like torture.

I’m not supposed to play in the water or splash it around. I’m expected to stand there and get shampooed, but I don’t get to have any fun. What good is all that water if you’re not going to splash it? Your mom has GOT to get her priorities straight.

Still, your mom was probably still upset because the deck caught on fire. Your dad was grilling steaks while I was running up and down the ramp. I made it very clear to your dad that Babbie and I wanted steaks too, but he actually made us move away from the grill!


I started to go back to the ramp but Babbie started her I’m-a-Jack-Russell-so-I-hop routine. This means somethings wrong. Or that someone has food. It just depends. I looked back and saw this weird black ring starting around the bottom where it touched the wood.

I tried to paw your dad to show him, but he told me to go away. I pawed at him again and whined. He rubbed my ears and told me I was a pretty girl. I am, but that’s not what I wanted. Then your mom came out and asked what was burning. It got funny after that.

Your dad was running for water. He came back with the hose spraying but he slipped and water went everywhere! Babbie and I kept pawing at your mom and barking. We were trying to jump at her to keep her safe. She was trying to grab us saying she needed us away from the flames. Your brother was yelling that the house was on fire.

It was craziness!

Your dad finally got the fire put out and your mom ordered pizza. They threw out the steaks! I mean, sure, they were black and smokey, but they probably still tasted okay! Your mom and dad are weird. They don’t understand meat. Or baths. It’s kind of sad.

Your mom said she is going to put a plant where the fire burned a hole in the deck so that no one knows it’s a burned spot. I know. Anyone with a nose is gonna know. You can still smell the crispiness.

I’m off to play with my squeaky toy. It annoys LuLu, so it’s my favorite hobby.

Have fun at school!

Jamie

Fight the Fish Conglomerate!

Dear Ethan, you ignorant monkey-brained Philistine. HOW. DARE. YOU.

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon



WHY is there a fish in this house that is, to quote your equally ignorant monkey-minded mother, “Not for eating”?!!!!! Have you lost your tuna-soaked mind?!!!

FISH ARE FOR FOOD. No bones about it, even though there are bones in fish. We eat fish or else fish will eat us. Have you never seen Shark Week on television? It’s very simple, so even YOU should understand it.

All of us cats are taught from the beginning that we have a sacred duty to protect the world from fish. Fish look innocent, HAH!

You’ve heard the phrase that looks can be deceiving, but as my cat friends will tell you, looks are LIES. No one is scared of a tiny fish like that stupid beta fish your sister calls Tommy. He just looks like a little bit of an appetizer in a bowl, right? WRONG. Dead wrong.

He is part of the larger fish conglomerate that aims to take over the world. Don’t believe me?

Fact: 71% of the Earth is water.
Also fact: Fish live and breathe in water.

Also another fact: Humans can’t breathe in water.

Naïve humans like your mom buy fish for pets. Not wise! Now there is more water in the house because so-called pet fish have to have bowls or tanks.

Human families (like yours) feed the fish and so that those fish become bigger and bigger. The human families even buy bigger bowls and bigger tanks so that the “pet” fish have more room.

And boy, do those fish take advantage of the situation!

FISH ARE SPIES. Fiends. Reprobates.

Fish let humans feed and indulge them; all of the while, the fish are documenting every human move. They pass that data on to the bigger fish, who use the information to victimize other humans. Humans just like you. Think carefully. How do sharks always seem to know when it is spring break and humans will be at the beach on holiday?

Are you really so gullible that you believe that sharks just randomly show up for a human snack?


No, my dear, ignoramous-child. House-fish have found a way to communicate with ocean-fish, i.e. sharks, and this spy-collaborative has already started to push their plan for world domination.

More water in more fish bowls and tanks means that slowly, subtly, quietly, more and more of the Earth is becoming a fish habitat. It is that sinister, and that simple.

You must eat fish before they eat you.

And THAT is why I was trying to take your sister’s fish from his bowl. Sure, he looks delicious, but I was trying to protect you, despite what everyone seemed to be thinking. You’re welcome. I will go upstairs after I finish this letter (and your sister goes to sleep) and chomp Tommy the fish into submission.

I am glad that you can finally understand that feeding fish to cats is humankind’s only hope for salvation. Tomorrow we can go to the aquarium and deal with all of the fish-spies there.

 Enjoy your day, monkey-child!
LuLu Cat, your hero

Stupid Sylvester Wanna-Bes!

NOT GOOD! NOT GOOD! NOT GOOD! Why did you let your mom buy a fish no one wants to eat? What were you thinking???

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

WAIT. Babbie says letters have to start with Dear.

So, Dear Olivia,

What were you thinking? Why did you let your mom buy a pet fish? Why the heck is it called a pet when it has no fur, swims in a bowl, and you can’t touch it? How the heck do you pet a fish? Do you know what I have been through since last night???

First, your mom brings in this blacky-bluey beta fish. LuLu and Trixie FLEW from the top of the stairs to look! The cats thought it was a snack for them!

So then your mom puts the fish in a bowl and hands it to your sister and told her happy birthday. Is her birthday going to be his death day? The cats sure think so!

Your sister named the fish Tommy! Tommy-what kind of name is that for a fish?

Your sister put Tommy’s bowl next to her bed. She was giggling and laughing about her new friend like it was the best thing ever. She was singing to that stupid fish and telling him he was her new best friend. What am I, chopped Alpo?

LuLu and Trixie (those darn cats!) started to creep up the stairs. They did this weird thing where they stretched out their paws, reached up to the next steps, and then pattered up quickly. Then they would get to the next step and freeze. Then they made weird ick-ick noises, and their paws would go out as they did that slow stretchy-quick pattery thing.

Step to step to step. Ick stretch. Ick stretch. Ick stretch. I could tell this was not a good thing, so I followed. They were so focused on getting to the fish, they never even noticed. I can be sneaky when I want to be. Well, sort of.

Like furry, silky slinkys those crazy calico cats melted up the stairs and around the corner to your sister’s room. While she was singing, they were reaching.

Their paws reached up and I did the only thing I could do. I ran in and snapped at them. UGH! Talk about drama!

They fell to the floor and rolled around crying like they were scared of me.They acted like I had hurt them or something! Stupid Sylvester-Cat-wannabes!

Your mom ran in and made me go downstairs. I growled at the cats and your mom got scary-mad. I hate when she does that. She bat-flapped her arms to shoo me down the stairs and told me not to be mean to the cats. AS IF!


So now, on top of Porch Pirates and delivery people trying to invade our house I’m gonna have to guard a stupid fish! A FISH! The worst part is that everyone is now made at ME because they think I attacked the cats! I HATE THIS!!!

Please, please, please, you have got to warn them! That fish does not have a chance against two hungry cats! Help me save Tommy! And remember, if it doesn’t have fur and you can’t touch it, it’s not a pet!

Love & exhaustion,

Jamie

Finally, FISH!!!

My dearest, darlingest Ethan!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Oh, happy, happy day! You glorious human monkey-child, I had no idea how much you love me!!!

I confess, I was disheartened, downtrodden, and distressed to discover that dogs getting shots meant something other than simply shooting them, sigh…But THIS makes up for it!

A fish! An actual fish in a bowl just for me! Oh Great Garfield, this is FANTASTIC!

Your deluded dog friends seem to think that the fish will be a pet. AS IF! Dogs just do not understand. Fish. Are. Food.

Everyone knows this! Your parents eat tuna and salmon and tilapia and shrimp–they get it! They do not eat these often enough, mind you, but at least a couple of times a week there is pescatarian deliciousness waiting for me!

Now, we must address an important question (or two!) Why will it have a name? Your silly sibling says that you are naming the fish Tommy. Why would you name it anything other than Lunch, or, perhaps, Dinner?

Also, why do you need a special bowl for this meal? I think your parents may have misunderstood how this works. You buy fresh fish. You eat fresh fish. On rare, RARE occasions, you might want to waste time and cook the fish. You do NOT give it room and board! Unless–

Are they waiting so they can fatten it up? I guess that might be reasonable, but wouldn’t it make more sense to simply buy a larger fish? Your parents said it is a beta fish. How many pounds are betas? I looked online, but clearly I found the wrong information, because this fish looked small. The article also said it was “not for consumption” which is just ridiculous. ALL fish are for consumption!

Regardless of what happens, I am looking forward to finally having live fish to eat! The ones your parents get at market are delicious, but they are dead. I am anticipating a lot more flavor in a lively and delicious creature! I shall watch the special bowl and prepare myself for a frenzied feast!

Thank you for finally doing this! Just a quick reminder that one fish is not enough–we will need a LOT more!


Your new best friend (depending on how this fish tastes!)

LuLu