Death ramps and fish friends

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I’m very glad you are going to school today. I wasn’t able to get any of my naps yesterday. When your stupid dog was running around outside the house it wasn’t so bad, but when she started playing inside the house—YEESH! I may have to hide all of her squeaky toys.

The ramp you built to exercise Jamie on isn’t big enough or tall enough. I can see in my head a ramp that is a thousand feet high, eighty feet wide, with a mat of sharp poisoned spikes underneath.

Jamie would climb the seven hundred steps to the top. Then, she would have ten seconds to put on her parachute and run across the ramp before the whole thing explodes.

Mind you, it’s probably impossible for a dumb dog to put on a parachute or even pull the rip cord to release the parachute. She’d probably fall on the poisoned spikes at the bottom. But hey, it’s a great trick!

Why don’t you make two death ramps—one for Jamie and one for Babbie? That way we get rid of both Pests at one time. You’ve got to admit you’re tempted, right?

I’ve been thinking about your mom’s birthday. It’s in March, right? I’m pretty sure she wants several cases of tuna and a half-dozen raw fish. If you’re smart you’ll get her some fish now and put them in your closet (on the floor would be best). I’ll help you hide them. You can trust me, I’m a cat.

By the way, I am offended that your parents felt the need to make a locking grid-lid for your sister’s fishbowl.

Can I help it if that stupid beta fish keeps trying to get out? I wasn’t trying to eat him so much as scare him. After all, if he knows my jaws of death are waiting, he wouldn’t try to get out of his bowl, now would he?

I do not appreciate that your parents do not trust me. I would be outraged, but it’s naptime again. Just check your shoes before you put them on. I have a hairball with your name on it.

Your sneaky hungry feline friend,

LuLu the Cat


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