How can sandwiches teach class?

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Since when do they let sandwiches teach fifth grade?

I heard you tell your mom that you had a sub teaching class yesterday. You said that you really liked her.

Was the sub big enough to share? Why would you call a sandwich “she”? How does a sandwich teach anything? Why didn’t you bring me a piece of the sandwich?

Does the principal come into the room and then put a sandwich on the regular teacher’s desk? I can see how you’d learn fractions. If you have a foot-long sub and 24 people, how many inches would each student get to eat? If there are 4 types of meat and 2 types of cheeses, how many total items are on the sandwich?

That type of lesson would make sense and it would be fun (for you, not the sandwich). But how does a sub sandwich teach literature?

I’m guessing that a deli-meat sub sandwich’s favorite play would be “Hamlet” because of ham, right? Or, instead of reading plays, do you make up stories about how the sub is the last bit of food on earth and how you and your friends must live in dirt holes and protect the sandwich with your lives so that the human race will survive?

I’m confused, and I’d really like to know how this works. Do you get to eat the sandwich at the end of the school day? How does a sub sandwich make the class sit still and do work? I like sandwiches. I like ALL food! Why can’t I go to school with you?

I’m a good dog, right???

I think I need to eat some crayons to cure this headache you’ve given me. From now on, please let a teacher control the class instead of a sandwich. That would be better for all of us.

Love food, love you more,



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