Mice-a-roni & edible bugs

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I think I need your help with something and I’m sure you’ll say “yes”. You know, you’re very lucky. Not many humans get requests for help from cats. Cats are perfect as a rule, so we don’t usually have to ask for help from anyone.

My feline friends and I are having a very unusual spot of difficulty. Whenever we are typing on the keyboard, this funny arrow-shaped bug floats around on the monitor screen. We’ve tried to catch it whenever we see it, but our paws always fall flat against the screen.

How did this arrow bug get into the monitor? What does that bug taste like? Your mom hates bugs, so why doesn’t she catch it? Bgs are very nutritional, much better than the sodas she drinks!

I should tell you that you humans are, as always, very ignorant. We tried to eat that so-called mouse that’s next to the keyboard. It hurt my precious teeth! I’ll have you know that that thing IS NOT a mouse!

Mice are usually white, brown, or gray, and they are always juicy and tasty, not hard and crunchy. Wait—that’s not true. Real mice are crunchy once you get past the meat. The bones always shatter a bit when you chomp down. Except for catnip mice.

Those are a special category. Don’t tell your mom, but they aren’t real mice. SERIOUSLY! She seems so excited when she brings us new catnip mice. I don’t think she is as smart as everyone says. See, those are just bits of carpet with funny grass in them.

Okay, they smell amazing and make me all rolly-polly and hyper and then I crash and get tired, so they’re kind of fun, but they aren’t real mice. Real mice are food, not carpet.

Poor Mom, she really is kind of pathetic, isn’t she? Even a kitten knows that those mice aren’t real. But your mom tries, God bless her!

Oh great! I was supposed to get your help with that stupid arrow bug and now I’m getting hungry! I’m off to find a snack. Got any more hamsters around? I’m craving rodent “mice”-a-roni right now.

Your feline friend,



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