You can’t eat a report card!

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I heard you got bad grades this term. It’s okay. Seriously. If it makes you feel any better, I never got a good report card and look how great I turned out! Of course, cats don’t actually go to school, so my not getting a report card (good or bad) wasn’t a big deal any way.

You have to put things in perspective. Perspective is a big word that adults use to sound fancy, like they know what they’re talking about. (As an adult human, the more big words you use the more money you can get.) Perspective means how you look at something. So, having the right perspective is important.

If you’re drowning in the Atlantic Ocean (or any ocean, for that matter) will your report card save your life? No. (If you answered “yes”, you’re in more trouble than I thought.) If a bank robber grabs a gun and tries to shoot you, will the report card block the bullet? No. If you’re starving to death, can you eat your report card? Okay, maybe that one is a yes, but the report card won’t taste good, and once it’s gone, you’ll be hungry again.

Good grades are important, don’t get me wrong, but you shouldn’t get too upset. Just try harder next time. Or don’t. Us cats only try hard when there is food involved. Nothing else is worth that much effort.

Your mom says the teacher doesn’t like you because you’re different, but it’s okay. You’re great, everyone else is boring. One of these days you will be King Cat and make wayyyy more money than him. More money means more fish. That’s an idea! Maybe you should take your teacher some fish. Would he accept tuna as a bribe? I know I would. A good plate of fish would certainly make me like you a lot better.

OH-Don’t think I’m getting nice or anything. I’m gonna swipe at you later. Probably.



Fish with your teeth!

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I loved the show about Hawaii you watched on Sunday! I loved the beaches and the waves. Are you going there? Can I go with you?

The kids who were standing on ironing boards in the water had so much fun! Could we try that here? Could we put an ironing board in the bathtub? They call it surfing and it looks amazing!

You asked your mom for a fishing pole. WHY???

I don’t know why you think you need to get a fishing pole just to go fishing. Obviously your parents have forgot to teach you something. Thank goodness I’m here!

When you’re looking at a pond or a river, if you see a fish swimming below the surface, jump in and grab it with your teeth lickety-split. Poles are for lazy people. Think about it: they stand for hours, just getting hungry. Use your teeth. Much faster and better.

Ooh! We could go deep-sea fishing like on the television! Just think of it: a shark swims past, how do you catch it? Can you reel it in with your dinky little pole? No! You have to dive on top of it, grab its fin in your teeth and show it who’s boss.

Since I know you’ll be nervous your first time I can jump in with you. Your mom gets really fussy, and she’d probably say to leave the shark alone. She worries a lot even when she doesn’t need to. She’d be really happy when she sees all that shark meat!

Did she ever tell you that Uncle Hal almost got bitten by a shark while he was on land? Make sure that shark is dead before you go near the mouth!

I’m gonna watch Travel Channel and see if I can pick up any more tips. You go win the lottery so we can pig out at the luau!

Your friend,


Fight the Fish Conglomerate!

Dear Ethan, you ignorant monkey-brained Philistine. HOW. DARE. YOU.

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

WHY is there a fish in this house that is, to quote your equally ignorant monkey-minded mother, “Not for eating”?!!!!! Have you lost your tuna-soaked mind?!!!

FISH ARE FOR FOOD. No bones about it, even though there are bones in fish. We eat fish or else fish will eat us. Have you never seen Shark Week on television? It’s very simple, so even YOU should understand it.

All of us cats are taught from the beginning that we have a sacred duty to protect the world from fish. Fish look innocent, HAH!

You’ve heard the phrase that looks can be deceiving, but as my cat friends will tell you, looks are LIES. No one is scared of a tiny fish like that stupid beta fish your sister calls Tommy. He just looks like a little bit of an appetizer in a bowl, right? WRONG. Dead wrong.

He is part of the larger fish conglomerate that aims to take over the world. Don’t believe me?

Fact: 71% of the Earth is water.
Also fact: Fish live and breathe in water.

Also another fact: Humans can’t breathe in water.

Naïve humans like your mom buy fish for pets. Not wise! Now there is more water in the house because so-called pet fish have to have bowls or tanks.

Human families (like yours) feed the fish and so that those fish become bigger and bigger. The human families even buy bigger bowls and bigger tanks so that the “pet” fish have more room.

And boy, do those fish take advantage of the situation!

FISH ARE SPIES. Fiends. Reprobates.

Fish let humans feed and indulge them; all of the while, the fish are documenting every human move. They pass that data on to the bigger fish, who use the information to victimize other humans. Humans just like you. Think carefully. How do sharks always seem to know when it is spring break and humans will be at the beach on holiday?

Are you really so gullible that you believe that sharks just randomly show up for a human snack?

No, my dear, ignoramous-child. House-fish have found a way to communicate with ocean-fish, i.e. sharks, and this spy-collaborative has already started to push their plan for world domination.

More water in more fish bowls and tanks means that slowly, subtly, quietly, more and more of the Earth is becoming a fish habitat. It is that sinister, and that simple.

You must eat fish before they eat you.

And THAT is why I was trying to take your sister’s fish from his bowl. Sure, he looks delicious, but I was trying to protect you, despite what everyone seemed to be thinking. You’re welcome. I will go upstairs after I finish this letter (and your sister goes to sleep) and chomp Tommy the fish into submission.

I am glad that you can finally understand that feeding fish to cats is humankind’s only hope for salvation. Tomorrow we can go to the aquarium and deal with all of the fish-spies there.

 Enjoy your day, monkey-child!
LuLu Cat, your hero

Monstery-thingy mom

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon.

Dear Olivia,

I am so confused right now!!! I was trying to type a letter to your mom to warn her about LuLu stealing her identity and ordering lots of tuna fish, and I got in trouble! ME!!!

I never get into trouble! The cats dumped water all over the laptop and then pretended to be asleep when your mom came into the room. The spray bottle was next to my paws, so your mom thought I had done it!!! Did you know that your mom looks scary when she gets mad? I mean super-scary!!!

I saw something like it once before. You were watching this weird movie. It must have been a good movie because you spilled half of your popcorn on the floor. You may not have noticed because I cleaned it up for you (you’re welcome!) This big monstery-creature was stomping all over a city and making people scream.

That’s what it was like when your mom got mad. She was stomping all over everything and her face was all red and splotchy. She used some words I am pretty sure your grandmother wouldn’t like while she kept yelling that I had ruined her laptop.

It was NOT a good day after that.

Still, I guess your mom loves me anyway. She was mad, but she kept saying that I was lucky that I am cute. Thank goodness! I am kind of gorgeous, aren’t I?

Plus, whenever I want to play, I chomp down on one of her socks, she says, “Jamie, No!” but she also laughs and gets one of my toys so we can play, so clearly she adores me. It is kind of cool around here, isn’t it? What were we talking about? I think it was important, but I can’t remember.

OH—FISH! Yeah, I don’t like fish. Tuna is okay, but I would rather have some chicken or some turkey. Thanksgiving is almost here. You know, if you happen to spill food again, I wouldn’t mind helping out. Just saying!

I need a snack! Hope school is okay! Save me some jerky treats from your lunch!