Shoot the pests!

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

It’s going to be great day, I can just tell!

Your mom said the dogs are going to get their shots. Can I watch? I’d really like to see them get shot. It’s my solemn duty as a cat to make this happen. Time to get rid of those awful pests! (Well, it’s past time to get rid of them, but I will take what I can get!)

What kind of gun is used, and why does a vet have to do it? Could I help? I could buy a BB gun and see how the Pests like it. I bet that’d get ‘em. Your brother has a water gun. I can use that for practice!

I noticed that this guy on Animal Planet had a ginormous elephant tranquilizer gun. Could we use that instead? Better still, we could feed the dogs to the elephants!

Ooh—we could videotape the whole thing and then send the film to America’s Funniest Home Videos. We’d get rid of the dogs and win money at the same time! Sounds great!

By the way, I’m planning to put a hairball in your mom’s shoes later. She gave the dogs some of the leftover chicken, but I didn’t get anything! What kind of nonsense is that?

I really should not get leftovers, I should have my own place at the table. Much more appropriate, I say! Think about it this way: your family tries to stop me from jumping (gracefully, I might add) onto the table, claiming I will get cat hair in the food. Yet ALL of my food gets cat hair in it, and I am healthier than ALL of you!

Look at me–I’m light on my paws, I can see in the dark, and I can catch mice! When was the last time someone in your family pounced on a mouse–never!!! Usually your mom screams and your dad gets a broom. Pathetic!

Your mom may say that she likes cats better than dogs, but I’m not sure she’s telling the truth. If she wasn’t so good at petting me I might show her exactly what I think of her being nice to those horrible dog-pests. She’s lucky she has such a cushy lap.

What if we threw some bacon out the front door? While the dogs run outside to get it we could lock them out of the house. Might be a good idea, just think about it for a while. No more ugly, stinky, stupid dogs—Heaven! Plus, no police or investigations disrupting my nap time. I’m in!

I’ll try and add bacon to your mom’s shopping list tonight. I have a lot of trouble holding pens and crayons, so I won’t make any promises about writing anything. I wish your mom typed her shopping list on her computer. That would make it much easier for me.

Hope you have a good day at school today. Remember that Valentine’s Day will be here before you know it. Boxes of chocolates are for suckers; boxes of dead lizards and rats mean true love. Remember that when you get me my Valentine’s gifts!

Hugs & scratches,
LuLu

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