Tag: dogs

Finally, FISH!!!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

My dearest, darlingest Ethan!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Oh, happy, happy day! You glorious human monkey-child, I had no idea how much you love me!!!

I confess, I was disheartened, downtrodden, and distressed to discover that dogs getting shots meant something other than simply shooting them, sigh…But THIS makes up for it!

A fish! An actual fish in a bowl just for me! Oh Great Garfield, this is FANTASTIC!

Your deluded dog friends seem to think that the fish will be a pet. AS IF! Dogs just do not understand. Fish. Are. Food.

Everyone knows this! Your parents eat tuna and salmon and tilapia and shrimp–they get it! They do not eat these often enough, mind you, but at least a couple of times a week there is pescatarian deliciousness waiting for me!

Now, we must address an important question (or two!) Why will it have a name? Your silly sibling says that you are naming the fish Tommy. Why would you name it anything other than Lunch, or, perhaps, Dinner?

Also, why do you need a special bowl for this meal? I think your parents may have misunderstood how this works. You buy fresh fish. You eat fresh fish. On rare, RARE occasions, you might want to waste time and cook the fish. You do NOT give it room and board! Unless–

Are they waiting so they can fatten it up? I guess that might be reasonable, but wouldn’t it make more sense to simply buy a larger fish? Your parents said it is a beta fish. How many pounds are betas? I looked online, but clearly I found the wrong information, because this fish looked small. The article also said it was “not for consumption” which is just ridiculous. ALL fish are for consumption!

Regardless of what happens, I am looking forward to finally having live fish to eat! The ones your parents get at market are delicious, but they are dead. I am anticipating a lot more flavor in a lively and delicious creature! I shall watch the special bowl and prepare myself for a frenzied feast!

Thank you for finally doing this! Just a quick reminder that one fish is not enough–we will need a LOT more!


Your new best friend (depending on how this fish tastes!)

LuLu

Shoot the pests!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

It’s going to be great day, I can just tell!

Your mom said the dogs are going to get their shots. Can I watch? I’d really like to see them get shot. It’s my solemn duty as a cat to make this happen. Time to get rid of those awful pests! (Well, it’s past time to get rid of them, but I will take what I can get!)

What kind of gun is used, and why does a vet have to do it? Could I help? I could buy a BB gun and see how the Pests like it. I bet that’d get ‘em. Your brother has a water gun. I can use that for practice!

I noticed that this guy on Animal Planet had a ginormous elephant tranquilizer gun. Could we use that instead? Better still, we could feed the dogs to the elephants!

Ooh—we could videotape the whole thing and then send the film to America’s Funniest Home Videos. We’d get rid of the dogs and win money at the same time! Sounds great!

By the way, I’m planning to put a hairball in your mom’s shoes later. She gave the dogs some of the leftover chicken, but I didn’t get anything! What kind of nonsense is that?

I really should not get leftovers, I should have my own place at the table. Much more appropriate, I say! Think about it this way: your family tries to stop me from jumping (gracefully, I might add) onto the table, claiming I will get cat hair in the food. Yet ALL of my food gets cat hair in it, and I am healthier than ALL of you!

Look at me–I’m light on my paws, I can see in the dark, and I can catch mice! When was the last time someone in your family pounced on a mouse–never!!! Usually your mom screams and your dad gets a broom. Pathetic!

Your mom may say that she likes cats better than dogs, but I’m not sure she’s telling the truth. If she wasn’t so good at petting me I might show her exactly what I think of her being nice to those horrible dog-pests. She’s lucky she has such a cushy lap.

What if we threw some bacon out the front door? While the dogs run outside to get it we could lock them out of the house. Might be a good idea, just think about it for a while. No more ugly, stinky, stupid dogs—Heaven! Plus, no police or investigations disrupting my nap time. I’m in!

I’ll try and add bacon to your mom’s shopping list tonight. I have a lot of trouble holding pens and crayons, so I won’t make any promises about writing anything. I wish your mom typed her shopping list on her computer. That would make it much easier for me.

Hope you have a good day at school today. Remember that Valentine’s Day will be here before you know it. Boxes of chocolates are for suckers; boxes of dead lizards and rats mean true love. Remember that when you get me my Valentine’s gifts!

Hugs & scratches,
LuLu

Can we go to Disney?

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I want to go to Disney! When you guys went last year you came back with cool toys and talked about good food. I like toys. I LOVE food. I want to go!

Places like that have a lot of extra food. It’s like the park but bigger, right? People always drop food at the park, so I bet they drop food at Disney!

I heard that while you were there Ethan got a turkey leg. Where’s mine? I like turkey! I like everything! I can eat and protect you all at the same time!

I know the cats say I get distracted but I don’t! Food is my focus! Well, food and stray cats. And stray dogs. And anything that makes the curtains move. I have to bark at stuff. Those are the rules. I think.

I heard that there are rides that spin around and around. Do you feel like you’re chasing your own tail when you go on the teacup ride? Can you chase the cups? Do you drop your food while you spin? Who threw up? Your mom said it was gross, but I bet it looked funny!

What about the roller coaster? Do your ears start to flap and then fly out behind you?

If I were to jump out of the roller coaster car and catch one of the dinosaurs, would I get a prize for saving everyone? Do you have to stay in the tube at the river rapids ride? Can you swim your way down?

Disney sounds like a playground for dogs!

I’ve heard that there are a couple of yellow dogs that live there all the time, but that may not be true. Your mom said that one of the dogs wears clothes and drives a car. Apparently he’s a goofy kind of guy. Does that mean that he’s clumsy, or is he just silly? Did you mom make that up?

Start saving up your money so you can buy turkey legs for me. That way we’ll both be happy. Have a cat-free day!

Jamie

Snow-sycophants beware!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I think it’s time that you and I had a talk. I heard you wishing for snow. You’re old enough now to know a basic fact of life: snow is bad.

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

You cannot pay any attention to the movies and television shows that portray snow as charming and special. Snow is an obnoxious obscuring of the senses.

Seriously, this garbage about snow being magical is just propaganda. Ask anyone above kitten-age. Snow-sycophants are blind to the obvious truth: Snow is a manipulation tactic.

The bread and milk producers and the weather forecasters have some kind of backroom deal. Whenever profits are low, grocers and bread-makers call the weather reporters and get them to threaten snow. Don’t believe me–just watch!

As soon as a forecaster claims that “Snowmagedon” is on the horizon, people panic. They rush to store and buy bread, milk, and eggs. Why??? How much French toast does one family need? Seriously, it’s just a scam!

Look little human: Snow is wet. Wet is bad. Snow is cold. Cold is bad.

Snowy days mean less sun, and that is very, very bad. Everyone stays home. All day. During my nap time. PLUS while it is snowing there are very few birds playing outside the window. Also, very bad. I like to visualize my lunch before I eat it.

Dry, sunny, warm days create glowing heated hot spots just right for relaxing. True magic is a radiating orb casting light on you while you stretch your claws out towards the sun, just rolling around. The sun beams and I beam, that’s how it works. Yes, give me a warm blanket and a cozy spot of sunlight and I’m in Heaven!

Just imagine it, some nice human bringing you something dead to eat while you take in the glow of the day’s light while watching little birds and flying things move past your window. It’s like living in a daydream.

I forgive you for wanting snow; after all, you’re only human. But please remember, dear boy, that the soft embrace of the sun’s rays beats the cold smack of winter anytime.

Your friend,

LuLu

Funky Fido Party Time!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Last night was great! When your parents took you to the park Babbie and I had a couple of friends over. I like friends.

Friends are fun. Until they eat all of your food or take your ball. Then friends are stupid.

You and I are best friends, right? Friends share dinner. You can have my food and I can have yours, right?

Dog friends are crazy. Or is it bad? I heard that bad means good, but that doesn’t seem right. When your mom says “bad dog” it doesn’t seem like she’s happy.

My friends and I danced to your sister’s disco cd. I’m telling you, poodles may look funny but they sure can dance. The Funky Chicken became the Funky Fido!

Someone filled the bubble blower with whipped cream instead of bubbles. I laughed so hard I almost lifted a leg! 

We jumped to catch the cream in our mouths. It was awesome! Babbie got covered in cream splatter, but she licked herself clean. It was like a bonus!

She’s kind of sticky now. We all offered to help her her lick her fur but she refused. She gets weird about dogs licking her rear end. Weird. Sniffs are okay, but licks make her grumpy.

Babbie had stashed some food under the couch. Remember when your mom got mad ‘cuz somebody ate all the leftover ham? Yeah, sort of sorry about that. We wanted to have food for our friends.

See what I said there? Friends give food to other friends. Like ham, and chicken, and steak, and whatever your mom cooks for dinner. Except that spaghetti squash stuff.

The sauce was good, but that was NOT spaghetti. Just plain weird.

LuLu and Trixie were totally rude. They wouldn’t come downstairs at all. One of the poodles made a joke about cat pinatas and they got all mad. It was a joke!

We weren’t going to hit the cats to see if Pupperoni or something came out. I don’t want to know WHAT would come out of LuLu if we hit her with a bat. Her eyes are brown and green for a reason. Yuck.

Have fun at school. Don’t forget what I said about sharing food!

Your friend,

Jamie

Candy canes & duct tape!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

You DO NOT want to know what LuLu and her sister Trixie were doing this morning!

Well, I’m gonna tell you anyway. I have to tell someone, and I don’t have any stamps so I can’t mail these letters to anyone. Besides, who’d believe me? LuLu always looks so innocent! 

There Babbie and I were, sleeping on protecting the couch.  LuLu and Trixie started to circle us. They claimed that they wanted to be friends, and they offered us jerky treats. They said it was a peace offering because they wanted to be friends. As if!

Then, when we got on the floor to grab the treats, they jumped on us!  Babbie and I ran different ways as fast as we could. Everything was crazy—it was like living in a nightmare, only we couldn’t wake up to stop it!

LuLu and Trixie were chasing us this way and that. They were yelling, “Rah, rah, rah! Seize the Pests!” I think that Babbie and I are “the Pests”. But I’m not sure why. We don’t pester anyone. Everyone loves us—don’t they? It’s so confusing!

LuLu was carrying duct tape and leftover peppermint canes the whole time and saying something about wet dog smell, which is just silly. Everyone knows that wet dogs smell better than dry ones. She kept trying to hold us down and tape the candy canes to us!

LuLu has just gone crazy—or crazier, if that’s possible.

I have to go into hiding now. Babbie and I found out that the cats won’t come near the bathtub if the water’s running. We don’t like it either, since we don’t want to take a bath, but it’s the only room that’s safe. The cats only go into the bathroom if your mom is using the toilet, so I figure we’re good for a while, right?

We’ve kept the cold water turned on so we can have a nice drink while we wait for your mom to get home. Hopefully she’ll find out what’s going on. I’d like to see LuLu chase your mom with duct tape!

Your canine friend who needs HELPPPPPP!!!!

Jamie

Cat resolutions aren’t a good thing

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

WOW. Just WOW. This New Year is starting off just plain WEIRD!

First, your neighbor got so sloshed that he set fire to that big tree in the back! Seriously, fireworks, guns, and vodka are not a good mix!

Mind you, it was kind of funny to watch the dog cry. She really liked that tree! (Dogs are gross, am I right? Use a litter box like a normal person!)

The next day your mom went NUTS; actually she went more than that! What would that be nuts and crackers? Bonkers? One pound of kibble short of a full bag?

She went out to shop, so I’m thinking, great! She’ll get treats and meaties and other yummy things. Nope! Your mom brought home this ginormous box, and she and your dad spent three hours putting it together. Your mom uses swear words. A LOT. She calls them sentence enhancers, but I’m not so sure!

They put together this weird thing that looked like moving road; they called it a treadmill. Your mom kept saying that they would have to keep their resolution to exercise this year since they have invested a lot of money on this dumb thing.

Ummmmmm, your mom knows that the road she drives on outside is free, right? Why can’t they use THAT?

So first your mom gets on it. I had a bet with my sister kitten Trixie that your mom would collapse after a minute, but I lost. Your mom did a full fifteen minutes! She also did a lot more swearing, so I guess the machine works on legs AND mouth???

It gets better. Babbie, that stupid Jack Russell Terrier (more like a terrorist) your mom adores and lets sleep on her bed (GROSS), wanted to try it. Babbie loves to run! Problem is, Babbie couldn’t reach the “on” button, so I decided to help.

Babbie and Jamie were pawing at the buttons but neither could get it to work ‘cuz you have to hit two buttons at the same time. I had Jamie push the “start” button while I pressed the “speed” button. (Dogs never learn.)

Babbie went flying! It was AWESOME! I might have accidentally pressed the speed button to go at the top level! Whoops! My bad!

Stupid Jamie decided that I had tried to kill Babbie on purpose and started chasing me. I knocked off so much stuff! I missed a vase and had to double-back to swipe it. When your mom & dad came running, Trixie and I skidaddled like we were cat-shaped wind.

Jamie and Babbie got blamed for EVERYTHING! All those hideous hounds could do was look sad while your mom & dad scolded them. Trixie and I were “asleep” in our basket, so your parents were sure that we weren’t involved.

While your mom cleaned up the room and the broken glass she used more of those swear words she says keep her from hitting people. The best entertainment really is homemade, am I right?

So, since everyone is having a resolution for the New Year, I am making one too. I solemnly pledge to cause as much trouble for the dogs as possible, and to throw up in a different family member’s shoes every week. What is life without goals???

Love & fishes,

LuLu

Boozy New Years = New Tree

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

The last few days have been, well, just weird. Boneless and bizarre! I thought Christmas was strange, but this “New Year” idea is even stranger!

So last week everyone stayed up past midnight watching celebrations on television. There was extra food, which was awesome, but there were extra noises, which were NOT awesome.

People were outside shooting off fireworks and guns! I was scared out of my mind!!! You know the guy next door who keeps a rowboat in his backyard? The guy that your mom says has a drinking problem? He set his tree on fire! Personally, I don’t think he has a problem; he seems to drink a lot very quickly, like a pro!  He could give lessons!

He set off fireworks AND shot a gun into the air at the same time! I’m not sure how it happened, but suddenly this poor old tree went up in flames, bare branches and all! A bunch of people came into the yard running and shouting, but your neighbor just climbed into his boat and laughed.

He raised his bottle in the air; your mom said he was toasting the stars, whatever that means. Then he just kept taking swigs from his bottle and laughing while he watched the fire department come and spray water on the tree.  Talk about professionals! They did it a lot better than I could ever do.

I know you probably freaked out a little when your mom panicked and grabbed you and your siblings and threw clothes & stuff into a bag, but she had a point. We might have had to leave our house or worse, our food! Fortunately, no one was hurt, except the tree.

Your neighbor yelled a lot when the police came and put him in handcuffs. He kept saying that since no one got hurt it was no big deal, but I think the police thought otherwise. They told his wife she would need to come to the station for a while. She did NOT look happy about this.

He came back the next morning, did you see? Apparently, the neighbors have a dog! I never met him, but they must have one because your neighbor’s wife kept yelling that he was “in the doghouse now!”

So, who is this dog? Why haven’t I met him? Are the neighbors going to replace that tree? It was one of my favorite leg-lifter places, so I’d hate to see it go.

For what it’s worth, happy New Year. Let’s go somewhere else next time? Please?


Love,
Jamie

Banish the house-hounds!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Your dumb dog is confused. Again. That is not totally surprising, but what shocks me is that everyone finds it amusing.

Your stupid dog Jamie has decided that your mom gets grumpy because she’s allergic to meat. That’s not even possible! Jamie has been stalking your mom in the kitchen. Every time your mom has out bacon, chicken, or fish, Jamie tries to snatch it away.

Now me, I find this annoying. If anyone is getting extra fish around here it should be me!!! But your mom says it’s cute. She doesn’t let anyone scold Jamie because she’s (and I quote) “just being a dog”. PUH-LEASE!!!

That dog knows EXACTLY what she’s doing, and I do not appreciate it! ALL FISH IN THIS HOUSE BELONGS TO ME! Speaking of which, when are you building a fish pond? I’ve heard your parents are meeting with landscapers next week. This better be about my fish pond! Fresh fish is very healthy for cats!

Look, your mom is grumpy for one reason: THE DOGS!

Think about it: the dogs have to go outside at 5a.m. every morning, when most of us are starting to go to bed! If your mom has the nerve to go to the bathroom by herself, the dogs claw and whine at the bathroom door. She gets NO personal time!

If your mom is petting me (as she is supposed to do), the dogs watch and wait. They just want to chase me as soon as she puts me down, so your (not-getting-any-younger) mom has to walk to the other side of the child gates to make sure that I’m not harassed by the dogs’ obnoxiousness.

Face it, dogs make life difficult. Jamie thinks your mom needs de-worming and that she’s allergic to meat. I think your mom is allergic to foolishness and needs to get rid of the dogs. Trust me, once those two drool-factories are gone your mom will be much happier!

I’ll go pack the dog toys, you figure out how to get those house-hounds out of our home.

Problem solved! You’re welcome!

Your only true friend (unlike the dogs),

LuLu

The Pirate-Meat Protection Promise

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Despite all the crazy human-ness of Christmas, it wasn’t a bad holiday. Babbie and I got some great new toys, plus everyone kept dropping prime rib when we were under the table!

I know your mom told you guys to stop giving us food from your plates, but just so you know she gave us some too.

She’s funny like that sometimes. She tells you not to do something and then she does it herself. Weird.

She also did this crazy thing where she threw out the shrimp dip after the cats were eating from the bowl. Crazy, am I right?!!! The cats live indoors, so they’re clean-ish. Plus, it’s the true sign of respect and shrimpiness that the cats went for the dip at all.

Your mom has been doing this weird “training” thing where she gives us treats for doing stupid stuff like sitting down and stopping barking. Maybe it’s another sign that she needs some kind of intervention. First, she gives us yumminess, then she gets upset when we try to get it ourselves!

I tried to help her clean the broiler pan after she had served the meat. There was all of that meat juice and meaty bits just waiting to be cleaned up. I figured that I would help her out by licking the pan clean. You know what she did? She got all grouchy at me!

Sometimes she’s super nice and shares, other times she’s yelly and crabby! It doesn’t make sense! Do you think it could be a food allergy? Those seem to be popular these days! I bet she’s allergic to meat!

That would be AWESOME! I could then eat her meat for her, and she could stop being monstery! This is an amazing plan!

I realize it sounds like I’m being selfish, but I’m really not. It’s your mom and your family that I’m thinking about. I can protect you from pirates, from burglars, and from meat! Done!

I’ll go check the fridge and see what I can do to save you!

Love & bacon bits,

Jamie