Category: Uncategorized

Cat resolutions aren’t a good thing

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

WOW. Just WOW. This New Year is starting off just plain WEIRD!

First, your neighbor got so sloshed that he set fire to that big tree in the back! Seriously, fireworks, guns, and vodka are not a good mix!

Mind you, it was kind of funny to watch the dog cry. She really liked that tree! (Dogs are gross, am I right? Use a litter box like a normal person!)

The next day your mom went NUTS; actually she went more than that! What would that be nuts and crackers? Bonkers? One pound of kibble short of a full bag?

She went out to shop, so I’m thinking, great! She’ll get treats and meaties and other yummy things. Nope! Your mom brought home this ginormous box, and she and your dad spent three hours putting it together. Your mom uses swear words. A LOT. She calls them sentence enhancers, but I’m not so sure!

They put together this weird thing that looked like moving road; they called it a treadmill. Your mom kept saying that they would have to keep their resolution to exercise this year since they have invested a lot of money on this dumb thing.

Ummmmmm, your mom knows that the road she drives on outside is free, right? Why can’t they use THAT?

So first your mom gets on it. I had a bet with my sister kitten Trixie that your mom would collapse after a minute, but I lost. Your mom did a full fifteen minutes! She also did a lot more swearing, so I guess the machine works on legs AND mouth???

It gets better. Babbie, that stupid Jack Russell Terrier (more like a terrorist) your mom adores and lets sleep on her bed (GROSS), wanted to try it. Babbie loves to run! Problem is, Babbie couldn’t reach the “on” button, so I decided to help.

Babbie and Jamie were pawing at the buttons but neither could get it to work ‘cuz you have to hit two buttons at the same time. I had Jamie push the “start” button while I pressed the “speed” button. (Dogs never learn.)

Babbie went flying! It was AWESOME! I might have accidentally pressed the speed button to go at the top level! Whoops! My bad!

Stupid Jamie decided that I had tried to kill Babbie on purpose and started chasing me. I knocked off so much stuff! I missed a vase and had to double-back to swipe it. When your mom & dad came running, Trixie and I skidaddled like we were cat-shaped wind.

Jamie and Babbie got blamed for EVERYTHING! All those hideous hounds could do was look sad while your mom & dad scolded them. Trixie and I were “asleep” in our basket, so your parents were sure that we weren’t involved.

While your mom cleaned up the room and the broken glass she used more of those swear words she says keep her from hitting people. The best entertainment really is homemade, am I right?

So, since everyone is having a resolution for the New Year, I am making one too. I solemnly pledge to cause as much trouble for the dogs as possible, and to throw up in a different family member’s shoes every week. What is life without goals???

Love & fishes,

LuLu

Boozy New Years = New Tree

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

The last few days have been, well, just weird. Boneless and bizarre! I thought Christmas was strange, but this “New Year” idea is even stranger!

So last week everyone stayed up past midnight watching celebrations on television. There was extra food, which was awesome, but there were extra noises, which were NOT awesome.

People were outside shooting off fireworks and guns! I was scared out of my mind!!! You know the guy next door who keeps a rowboat in his backyard? The guy that your mom says has a drinking problem? He set his tree on fire! Personally, I don’t think he has a problem; he seems to drink a lot very quickly, like a pro!  He could give lessons!

He set off fireworks AND shot a gun into the air at the same time! I’m not sure how it happened, but suddenly this poor old tree went up in flames, bare branches and all! A bunch of people came into the yard running and shouting, but your neighbor just climbed into his boat and laughed.

He raised his bottle in the air; your mom said he was toasting the stars, whatever that means. Then he just kept taking swigs from his bottle and laughing while he watched the fire department come and spray water on the tree.  Talk about professionals! They did it a lot better than I could ever do.

I know you probably freaked out a little when your mom panicked and grabbed you and your siblings and threw clothes & stuff into a bag, but she had a point. We might have had to leave our house or worse, our food! Fortunately, no one was hurt, except the tree.

Your neighbor yelled a lot when the police came and put him in handcuffs. He kept saying that since no one got hurt it was no big deal, but I think the police thought otherwise. They told his wife she would need to come to the station for a while. She did NOT look happy about this.

He came back the next morning, did you see? Apparently, the neighbors have a dog! I never met him, but they must have one because your neighbor’s wife kept yelling that he was “in the doghouse now!”

So, who is this dog? Why haven’t I met him? Are the neighbors going to replace that tree? It was one of my favorite leg-lifter places, so I’d hate to see it go.

For what it’s worth, happy New Year. Let’s go somewhere else next time? Please?


Love,
Jamie

Banish the house-hounds!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Your dumb dog is confused. Again. That is not totally surprising, but what shocks me is that everyone finds it amusing.

Your stupid dog Jamie has decided that your mom gets grumpy because she’s allergic to meat. That’s not even possible! Jamie has been stalking your mom in the kitchen. Every time your mom has out bacon, chicken, or fish, Jamie tries to snatch it away.

Now me, I find this annoying. If anyone is getting extra fish around here it should be me!!! But your mom says it’s cute. She doesn’t let anyone scold Jamie because she’s (and I quote) “just being a dog”. PUH-LEASE!!!

That dog knows EXACTLY what she’s doing, and I do not appreciate it! ALL FISH IN THIS HOUSE BELONGS TO ME! Speaking of which, when are you building a fish pond? I’ve heard your parents are meeting with landscapers next week. This better be about my fish pond! Fresh fish is very healthy for cats!

Look, your mom is grumpy for one reason: THE DOGS!

Think about it: the dogs have to go outside at 5a.m. every morning, when most of us are starting to go to bed! If your mom has the nerve to go to the bathroom by herself, the dogs claw and whine at the bathroom door. She gets NO personal time!

If your mom is petting me (as she is supposed to do), the dogs watch and wait. They just want to chase me as soon as she puts me down, so your (not-getting-any-younger) mom has to walk to the other side of the child gates to make sure that I’m not harassed by the dogs’ obnoxiousness.

Face it, dogs make life difficult. Jamie thinks your mom needs de-worming and that she’s allergic to meat. I think your mom is allergic to foolishness and needs to get rid of the dogs. Trust me, once those two drool-factories are gone your mom will be much happier!

I’ll go pack the dog toys, you figure out how to get those house-hounds out of our home.

Problem solved! You’re welcome!

Your only true friend (unlike the dogs),

LuLu

The Pirate-Meat Protection Promise

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Despite all the crazy human-ness of Christmas, it wasn’t a bad holiday. Babbie and I got some great new toys, plus everyone kept dropping prime rib when we were under the table!

I know your mom told you guys to stop giving us food from your plates, but just so you know she gave us some too.

She’s funny like that sometimes. She tells you not to do something and then she does it herself. Weird.

She also did this crazy thing where she threw out the shrimp dip after the cats were eating from the bowl. Crazy, am I right?!!! The cats live indoors, so they’re clean-ish. Plus, it’s the true sign of respect and shrimpiness that the cats went for the dip at all.

Your mom has been doing this weird “training” thing where she gives us treats for doing stupid stuff like sitting down and stopping barking. Maybe it’s another sign that she needs some kind of intervention. First, she gives us yumminess, then she gets upset when we try to get it ourselves!

I tried to help her clean the broiler pan after she had served the meat. There was all of that meat juice and meaty bits just waiting to be cleaned up. I figured that I would help her out by licking the pan clean. You know what she did? She got all grouchy at me!

Sometimes she’s super nice and shares, other times she’s yelly and crabby! It doesn’t make sense! Do you think it could be a food allergy? Those seem to be popular these days! I bet she’s allergic to meat!

That would be AWESOME! I could then eat her meat for her, and she could stop being monstery! This is an amazing plan!

I realize it sounds like I’m being selfish, but I’m really not. It’s your mom and your family that I’m thinking about. I can protect you from pirates, from burglars, and from meat! Done!

I’ll go check the fridge and see what I can do to save you!

Love & bacon bits,

Jamie

Christmas & fish head stockings

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Well, it’s Christmas Day.

I wasn’t gonna write a letter to you today because you aren’t at school and you don’t use your lunchbox at home, but then I realized that I needed to write to you today.

The greatest gift you could ever have in your life is me, right? RIGHT? I mean, I am kind of fabulous (by fabulous I mean AWESOME!) and I feel sure these letters from me just make your day. Heck, who knows where you would be without me? You’d probably just be sitting at your stupid lunch table, secretly wishing that you had some tuna.

So, here I am despite this so-called holiday. A holiday! As if! If it’s a holiday then why are so many humans in my house disturbing my nap time? What kind of stupid holiday doesn’t include sleep??? What’s worse, your sister came downstairs EARLY!!!

I was busy all night trying to wreck play with the ornaments and destroy fix the decorations, so I need my sleep! Instead, your sister comes giggling down the stairs and runs to the stocking to see what’s inside. It’s nothing interesting. Seriously, I already checked!

She got some Sailor Moon stickers, bubble gum, a lollipop, coloring pencils, and a video game, but that was it! Not one packet of tuna or fish snacks! I’m not sure why you all get so obsessed with this “Santa” guy anyway. No fish means no care, that’s all I’m sayin’. If he really loved you kids there would have been a fish head or some shrimp in those stockings. Video games and chocolate are lousy gifts!

Mind you, he did give her Hello Kitty bandages. I’m not sure that cat is real (what cat wears clothing???) but at least it is a nod towards my superior species. Your stocking wasn’t any better. Video games, chocolates, and a button that makes fart noises.

Big whoop. If I want to hear fart noises I’ll just listen to the dog. Same difference. Show your mom this letter and tell her that I said Santa is lame. Fish heads are all the rage and should be in everyone’s stockings next year!

By the way  I would like to thank you for the cat treats and the new scratching post (only ‘cuz Trixie says that if I say thank you I will get more gifts). I still plan to use the couch for my daily clawing exercises, but you showed your willingness to spend a lot of money on me. You didn’t spend enough money, but you spent some, and that’s a start.

I will keep that in mind. For now, and for what it’s worth, I sort of kind of sometimes begrudgingly love you and your family, and even this dumb house. I have to. All my stuff is here.

Merry Christmas human!
LuLu

You owe belly rubs & bacon!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

It seems like I am in trouble. Again. Is this going to be a regular Christmas thing?

LuLu kept talking about presents, so I wanted to see if my name was on any of them. I didn’t see any gifts for me on top of the pile in the closet, but there will be some for me on Christmas day, right?

I am right, aren’t I? I mean, I am “Man’s best friend,” although that name is kind of stupid. I’m everyone’s best friend, you know that!

I want to be friends with everybody, you, your brother, your sister, your parents, and anyone who has ham. Or bacon. Or any kind of food, really. Except vegetables. I don’t understand those things. Why go the store to buy cucumbers and carrots when there is perfectly good grass on the lawn? Humans are weird. Or is a social status thing? Strange.

What was I talking about before? OHHHH..gifts!

Okay, so here’s why I’m confused. Again. You and your little brother went up to the closet to check out the gifts with me. You shook them to figure out what was inside and you both made guesses. So I tried to help. I’m nice like that!

I started to rip and chew open the packages for you to help you out! And you got upset!!! COME ON, you weren’t going to figure anything out just by shaking boxes. You don’t have super-sensitive sonar ears like us dogs, you just have regular human kid hearing, and that doesn’t work half the time.

Your mom tells you fifteen times to clean up your room and you don’t hear her until she grabs your i-dog thingy (or is it i-penguin? I never can remember.) The point is, your hearing is useless when trying to discover what is inside a wrapped box.

You need teeth and claws for that! I hate to sound gripey like that cat LuLu, but I really need an apology this time. You yelled when I was trying to help you! I want an apology. Or bacon. Or both. OOH!!! You could apologize while feeding me bacon, followed by a tummy rub! That would be perfect!

I’ll be in the kitchen, waiting!
Jamie

The Cat Demands Presents

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

As you could tell this morning, I am not a happy cat. I examined all of the wrapped presents in your parents’ closet last night. My name was not on one single gift tag!

Why wouldn’t someone want to give a gift to me? I am a beautiful, sweet, always pleasant cat and I demand some gifts! I need a new claw sharpener, a dozen cans of tuna, several live goldfish, and a canary that I shall name “Lunch”. I’d better at least get some catnip!

I’m sure Jamie got into a lot of trouble last night, but I didn’t catch her at it. I fell asleep watching “My Cat from Hell” on TV. Actually, I only like the opening scenes where the cat is acting the way a cat should – biting, hissing, clawing. That garbagey-ending, with all of the purring and rule-following, is ridiculous. Not in MY house!

Seriously, you humans don’t understand us at all, do you? You think some extra playtime and a few treats are gonna make us suddenly follow YOUR rules? As if!

Look, human kiddo person, let’s get this straight. We play nice for the camera. Sure, why not? A few extra treats can make anyone purr! But permanent change! UMMMMM, NO!

If you want a well-behaved, sweet slobbering buddy who is basically a mindless lump, i.e. someone who follows your dumb rules, get a dog. If you want a magnificent creature, a being that is a god in its own right, a benevolent beast that rules your world, get a cat.

Sometimes we cuddle, sometimes we claw. That’s life, you evolved monkey! So deal with it!!! Now do as you are told and go get me some presents!!!

I have thrown up in your shoes, and I am not telling you which ones. You’ll find out, eventually…

Your friend,

LuLu

The cats are a menace!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I have not slept (much) all week!!!! I have been trying to patrol the house while your parents were snoring. They are so loud that they would never hear a pirate invasion! I want to keep you & your kibble safe from those pirates everyone is talking about! But I figured it would be safe to nap during the day, right?

Nope. Every time I start to fall asleep LuLu screams, “Pirates” from her perch at the top of the stairs. It is NOT funny! Pirates are serious business! I have my pillows, my blanket, and my stuffed duck. They need protecting!

Yesterday I saw that LuLu was asleep (faker!) so I thought that I could finally get some rest. I had snuggled Ducky and did my sleep-spin-cycle (three times around, and then settle down). Your mom was using her new laptop and your dad was yelling at basketball players on the television (has anyone told him that the players can’t hear him?).

It was a perfect time to rest. I had just started to drift off, and then—AUGH!!!! LuLu yelled, “Pirates” and I jumped up and ran to the living room. SMACK!!! The gate! I forgot about the gate!!!

I smooshed my nose and my eyes got kind of weepy, and I still tried to push through, I had to save us! But that villainous feline started laughing. No; not laughing, cackling. Do you call it cackling when it’s a cat?

Then, as if things weren’t bad enough, Trixie and LuLu dumped a bunch of ornaments on my head! By the way, they are not shatterproof!

Your mom didn’t know what was going on and thought I was chasing the cat (more tempting than ever right now) but I wasn’t. I was trying to defend us! Those stupid cats keep getting in the way!

Look, I understand that your mom has this weird thing about how I use the Christmas tree (clearly she is confused about the indoor-toilet issue), but the gates are hurting my face and my work! How can I keep you guys safe when I can’t run to the door?

The other day that weird guy came to fix the internet and they just let him in! They didn’t sniff him, or jump on him, or lick him, or anything! And that guy was obviously shady!

How can you fix the internet when you don’t have a net with you? You and your parents need me, and you have GOT to let me do my job!!!

PLEASE talk to your mom! I can’t, so someone has to!!!

Stay safe!
Jamie

The dog has GOT to go!!!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

WHAT IN THE NAME OF CAT TREATS IS GOING ON???

Why is Jamie bow-wowsing and barking on about pirates in our neighborhood? Pirates are at the beach, everyone knows that! Jamie is digging up the back yard and running from window to window every time she hears a truck. This is madness!

All last night, during my play time, Jamie kept pacing around the house, sniffing at doors and windows over, and over, and over again. Trixie and I ALWAYS do our best play after midnight. Nothing beats the sound of fresh glasses being swatted off the counter, breaking up the quiet of the night.

And the tree, the tree! If you climb it just right, and put your weight against the top branches, it will tump right over. Those so-called shatterproof ornaments never survive!

The noises made by the ornaments are nothing compared to the sounds your parents make when they find our Christmas tree art installation scattered across the floor. It’s even better if they step on the pieces!

So anyway, I was so bothered by that stupid dog and her obnoxious nighttime patrols that I thought about getting a ride back to my foster home. Then I realized that if anyone should leave it should be Jamie! My stuff is here, she’s the one causing issues!

She should take Babbie, that other ridiculous dog, the Jack Russel terrorist, with her! How would you feel about a dog-free zone? Personally, I think it is a great idea! Let’s work on this together, shall we???

While you get rid of the dumbo-dogs, I am going to go fix myself a snack. Your mom got me some pouches of tuna that are easy to chomp through.

She put them in the regular kitchen cabinet instead of by my food bowl, but no worries! I can get that cabinet open any time I want!

You get rid of the dogs, I’ll get rid of the tuna!
LuLu

Cats sleep, but dogs sweep (the perimeter)

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustrated by Vanessa Lennon

LuLu sent a letter to Ethan telling him that us dogs had been banished. That is not true. Well, it’s sort of not true.

Your mom put gates up to block us from the living room. She still doesn’t get the tree=toilet thing. The problem is that we NEED to be able to get to the living room. WE are your home’s protectors!

Who else is going to bark at the UPS driver when he comes up the steps? Okay, I’m a little sorry that I scared him so much that he fell backwards, but doesn’t that prove my point? Us dogs keep you safe! What do the cats do when someone comes to the door? NOTHING! Unless someone opens a can of tuna or a bag of crunchy treats, the cats just sleep!!!

Remember the other day when that stray cat your sister calls Stripy Joe sat in our yard? I scared him off before he could do some damage to the lawn. You’re welcome. And now your mom mentioned porch pirates went to a house nearby. Pirates in our neighborhood! You NEED us more than ever!!!

When they bring the boat down the street do you think the cats will tell you? Of course they won’t! LuLu would be too busy looking for the pirate’s parrot so that she could eat it. Us dogs would not care about a smelly sea bird, we would work tirelessly to protect your home from these pirate people. I thought pirates were only at the beach! This changes everything! We must defend our house!!!

Although this does bring up a question. Pirates look for buried gold. Do you guys have any gold? I have dug up most of the backyard looking today and can’t find where you hid it. I dug up the rose bushes because those sort of made a flowery-x thingy (x marks the spot, right?) but your mom just got upset again. (You have GOT to consider the de-worming treatment I mentioned for her; clearly she needs it.) Seriously, if you do find some gold, you really need to use some of it on this house.

We need a doggie door, some more trees, and a trampoline. Those stupid squirrels keep taunting us. They come into our yard, chitter-chatter at us, and then run up the tree before we can get them. The other day one of the squirrels had a Chinese food take-out container in his squirrley mouth! Clearly the squirrels around here have no respect because we can’t climb trees. If you get us a trampoline we could run and then bounce up to get the furry fiends! Whaddya think?

So, where is the treasure chest and how much gold is in it? A dog bone dispenser would be another good option. Think of how much time it would save you!

Please go talk to your brother & tell him not to believe LuLu’s lies. Cats cannot be trusted. Seriously.


I love you more than (almost) bacon!
Jamie