Cats sleep, but dogs sweep (the perimeter)

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustrated by Vanessa Lennon

LuLu sent a letter to Ethan telling him that us dogs had been banished. That is not true. Well, it’s sort of not true.

Your mom put gates up to block us from the living room. She still doesn’t get the tree=toilet thing. The problem is that we NEED to be able to get to the living room. WE are your home’s protectors!

Who else is going to bark at the UPS driver when he comes up the steps? Okay, I’m a little sorry that I scared him so much that he fell backwards, but doesn’t that prove my point? Us dogs keep you safe! What do the cats do when someone comes to the door? NOTHING! Unless someone opens a can of tuna or a bag of crunchy treats, the cats just sleep!!!

Remember the other day when that stray cat your sister calls Stripy Joe sat in our yard? I scared him off before he could do some damage to the lawn. You’re welcome. And now your mom mentioned porch pirates went to a house nearby. Pirates in our neighborhood! You NEED us more than ever!!!

When they bring the boat down the street do you think the cats will tell you? Of course they won’t! LuLu would be too busy looking for the pirate’s parrot so that she could eat it. Us dogs would not care about a smelly sea bird, we would work tirelessly to protect your home from these pirate people. I thought pirates were only at the beach! This changes everything! We must defend our house!!!

Although this does bring up a question. Pirates look for buried gold. Do you guys have any gold? I have dug up most of the backyard looking today and can’t find where you hid it. I dug up the rose bushes because those sort of made a flowery-x thingy (x marks the spot, right?) but your mom just got upset again. (You have GOT to consider the de-worming treatment I mentioned for her; clearly she needs it.) Seriously, if you do find some gold, you really need to use some of it on this house.

We need a doggie door, some more trees, and a trampoline. Those stupid squirrels keep taunting us. They come into our yard, chitter-chatter at us, and then run up the tree before we can get them. The other day one of the squirrels had a Chinese food take-out container in his squirrley mouth! Clearly the squirrels around here have no respect because we can’t climb trees. If you get us a trampoline we could run and then bounce up to get the furry fiends! Whaddya think?

So, where is the treasure chest and how much gold is in it? A dog bone dispenser would be another good option. Think of how much time it would save you!

Please go talk to your brother & tell him not to believe LuLu’s lies. Cats cannot be trusted. Seriously.


I love you more than (almost) bacon!
Jamie

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