The dogs have been banished!!!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan, my beautiful, wonderful boy!

Oh My Garfield!!!! The dogs have been banished from the living room! YESSSSSSSS!!!

For YEARS I have wanted to be rid of those slobber slobs, those heinous hounds, those draconian dogs with their biting and yapping, and now they are gone! Poof!

Well, not really gone, but your mom put up gates that keep the dogs out of the living room and the upstairs. Something about safety and chaos, yada, yada, yada, BUT, more importantly, that means that Trixie and I have half of the house to ourselves!!!

Okay, you guys can stay, only ‘cuz you feed us. But this is awesome!!!

Catch this: Last night I swiped food of of your dad’s plate. It takes a subtle paw and the right timing. Easy peasy. You wait until he’s telling one of those roll-your-eyes dad jokes. He’s so busy trying not to laugh that he can’t focus on anything else, then you just work your paw over the table rim until it hits plate and you’re golden!

Sometimes you get one of those disgusting vegetable-things, but sometimes you hit the carnivore jackpot like a whole steak or a piece of chicken!

So anyways, last night I worked my magic. Your dad was in tears trying not to lose it before he told the punchline. I had been sitting on his lap because when your mom serves chicken, you gotta be ready!

So, I reached up, all subtle-like, crept my velvety paw over, and WHAM! POW! CHICKEN LEG!!! BOO-YA! I grabbed it and ran like a cheetah on the savannah!

As I ran from the table your dumb dog started her rabies-act. You know the one! She started yowling and snarling, and she was chasing me through the dining room. Then-BONK! GATE! She smashed clean into the gate! IT WAS EPIC!!!

I ran up the stairs to my favorite overlook and watched as everyone crowed around the big dummy to see if she was okay. I chomped on that chicken leg like I was eating popcorn at the movies! It was some seriously funny entertainment!

Plus, by the time your mom had taken care of Jamie, I had finished the chicken. All she got back from me was a bare bone, Baby Kitten, ‘cuz that is how I roll! Grab & run, meat & eat, it’s all my thug life can handle! YES, I am that cool.

Now, all this typing has me wondering what’s for dinner. Why doesn’t your mom cook at 2a.m.? I’m up typing, it’s the least she could do.

Oh well, see you at the dinner table!


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