Tag: humor

Cars are bad!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Why in the name of Garfield does Jamie want traffic? She’s been blathering on about wanting a car and traffic and flopping ears. She thinks that a car is a happy thing!

Cars are a menace! Every time I have been in the car, it has only brought me pain. Cars only go to one place—the vet! Do you want to get shots or have bubble wands put up your backside? Does that sound like fun to you???

And let’s talk about the journey itself—pure torture! Your mom & dad put me in this stupid “carrier” like I don’t know how to walk, then they seatbelt it in like I’m some sort of infant. Insulting!

Then, after completely humiliating me, they start to drive. THAT is where the traffic shows up.

People honk and screech at each other. Plus, your mom plays those horrible songs on the radio (seriously, are they strangling rabbits? What the heck are those sounds anyway? Nothing is relaxing about those songs I don’t care WHAT your mom says!)

Then, because there is so much cruelty in the world, the trip gets worse. Your mom starts to sing with the songs. Oh, sweet Tom & Jerry, make it stop!!!

There are certain sounds only cats and dogs can hear. There are also certain sounds cats and dogs should NEVER hear. Your mom’s singing is one of them!

The point of this particular letter is to tell you that no matter what that doofus dumbo dog tells you, cars are bad. If you get a car, then you get vet visits and terrifying traffic. It’s not worth it.

Stay home and nap instead!
Your friend,

LuLu Cat

Traffic can be fun!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

What’s a traffic?

It’s funny that your mom & dad gripe about traffic, but traffic happens in a car. I LOVE cars!

Your ears flap as the wind comes in, and you get to bark at the other cars. The other cars sometimes have other dogs! Genius!

I don’t understand why some humans get all weird about traffic and cars and stuff. I see a lot of people walking on the side of the road and they look really tired. I bet they would love to have a traffic!

The other day I saw a dog grooming van. I got so excited to see who was driving, but it wasn’t a dog at all. It was just another human! Isn’t that false advertising? Shouldn’t a dog be driving the van if it’s a dog groomer?

I know that LuLu Cat once told you that I drove your mom’s van to the pet store, but I really didn’t. I don’t know how to drive, and your mom NEVER lets me.

She says, “Car ride!” and then gets upset when I jump into the driver’s seat. She has never let me have a driving turn, not even once! Worse, if I try to cuddle her when she’s driving, she tells me to stop!

That’s why I like it better when your dad drives. Then, your mom lets me sit on her lap to look out. I like that MUCH better. What’s the point of riding in a car, if you can’t see anything?

Anyway, tell your mom and dad to stop cussing when they’re driving. That weird middle-finger-handwave doesn’t seem nice either. If traffic bugs them so much, they should give their traffic to someone else. Maybe if they give their car to a person who doesn’t have one, that person will be happy.

 I bet there are a lot of humans who LOVE traffic!

I love you a lot little human, but if you want to learn to love traffic, learn to stick your head out of the window once in a while. Flappy ears and a sun-tinted tongue make everything better!

Your favorite dog,

Jamie

Humans just don’t understand!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

Why can’t I bite the landscapers? I don’t like them AT ALL.

They took my favorite tree. They said it was dead, but it was still useful! I could use it to scratch my back and the squirrels would jump from branch to branch. Okay, so maybe it WAS about to fall on the house, but they still could have left it!

Now I’m mad. Just plain mad. And I don’t get mad much, so there.

You humans do NOT understand anything about nature. I heard that some kid in your class got in trouble because he brought grass to school! Grass is good!

You can roll on it when you want to wiggle, you can eat it when your tummy feels sick, you can pee on it. It’s like outdoor carpet with munchy crunchy bugs for snack time!

Clearly the adults got something wrong because they said the kid “rolled” grass. You don’t ROLL it, you roll IN it!

Then your mom said this kid was SMOKING grass. That doesn’t even make any sense! If you burn it, how are you gonna chew it later? Did he think he was supposed to cook it first?

Sometimes I think humans don’t deserve nature. You never bark at anything, you don’t chase butterflies when they land on your nose, and you never sniff anyone’s butt (which is the only polite thing to do when you first meet someone!)

You humans really don’t know much about how the world works at all, do you? You just….wait.

LuLu cat said grass is another name for pot. That doesn’t make any sense either, unless the student maybe lit a fire under the pot?

I know that everyone says I’m a dim bulb, but I’m really starting to believe that you humans are the ones who need some brain dumb help.

I love you anyway. I might not be able to help you with your homework, but I can help you eat your sandwich later.

Love,

Jamie

The secret to life is keeping me happy

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Since I’m not supposed to start with “the dog is an idiot” anymore (even though it’s true!) I will start with this: don’t get your life advice from a dumb dog who, by the way, happens to be an idiot. Hah!

Life is not–no disrespect to your mom–a game of Tetris. It is not about fitting together the happy and sad so that you concentrate more on the happy. Sheesh! She has GOT to stop watching television, it’s increasing her dumbness!

Life is about fish and naps and having more yarn than the other cats. No one cares about happy or sad because there is no sad when you have fish. DUH.

The problem is that your family has what some call “special needs” and you know a lot of families with “special needs” so you hear more bad stuff than good stuff. You hear a lot about people dying or going to the doctor or being unhappy. But you have to ignore all of that.

Bad stuff, heck, bad DAYS are gonna happen if you’re a human. You do it to yourselves really. You worry about bills and events and automobiles. WHY???


Do you know what an automobile is? It’s a death trap. Seriously. It either runs over us cats or it takes us to the vets. That thing they stick inside your tush when you’re at the vet is NOT a bubble wand! And they put needles in you. Yikes! Needles are bad, automobiles are bad, and….

Wait. Automobiles are how your mom gets to the store to buy my treats. She also uses one to buy seafood, and I love all the seafood I see! She also buys my cat litter using her automobile. A clean litterbox is VERY important for ALL of us. Seriously.

Okay, automobiles aren’t so bad, but they aren’t so good either. And comparing your automobile to someone else’s won’t make you happy, it will only upset you. Humans should be happy for any automobile they have because then they have a way to buy fresh fish and clean cat litter.

THAT is what life is about–keeping your cat happy.

Our happiness should be your happiness, because if we are unhappy we will make sure that you’re unhappy too. Usually at 3a.m., so watch it.

Since I am not supposed to start letters with a certain phrase anymore, I can end it that way. The dog is an idiot.

Whatever,
LuLu

Life & death are Tetris

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

Today’s letter is kind of a happy/sad thing. I’m sorry to still have sad stuff, but your mom says that life is like Tetris where you have to pack good and bad together, and that if you stack the blocks the right way you can break the bad memories into small pieces so that only the good blocks stand out. I hope she’s right.

As you probably noticed (how could you miss it?!!!) your big sister is very weepy tonight because her friend died. It’s kind of hard to understand, isn’t it? It’s weird when someone super young drops dead. It doesn’t seem to make sense to go to sleep and not wake up.

But it does happen. That’s part of being a “special needs” family. Some days are scary, some days fun, some are ordinary, and others are weird and make you feel like you have it easy compared to someone else. That’s just the way it is I guess.

I guess it might also make you scared to go to sleep. That’s okay though, because I will lick you awake if there are any issues. I’ve noticed that when I lick your mom’s teeth, she wakes up right away. She also screams. I’m not sure why. But anyway, I’ll lick you on your mouth if you start to get sick or something and then you can get your mom and dad to help.

Why are the needs “special”? Doesn’t everyone have needs that are important? I think they do. Maybe they just don’t say it. Your mom says that everyone would have a diagnosis if we look close enough, but we don’t look if there’s no need. Your family is DEFINITELY special. You put sprinkles on your mashed potatoes!

Sprinkles on mashed potatoes are weird! But it makes everyone laugh to see the sprinkles on top because they remember the time your dad accidentally used vanilla soy milk instead of plain and the mashed potatoes tasted sweet and yucky. That’s a happy block for your life Tetris!

I guess that’s all I want to say today. I know it’s scary and sad and can even make you angry when a friend dies, because that is a big cluster of sad blocks. But if you surround that cluster with happy blocks, then they can break up the sad blocks and soon you will be able to concentrate more on the happy.

I wuff you!

Jamie

Even cats ask for (demand) help!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Your poor dumb dog Jamie is trying to understand stigmas and mental illness. Sigh…I think we should get your dog earmuffs as she keeps hearing about stuff she doesn’t understand.

I NEED to nap; I do NOT have all day to answer her dumb questions!!!

I tried to explain it to her: stigma is like a stereotype of a reputation. It’s usually the way someone thinks about someone else when they don’t have all the information.

Like, cats are stigmatized because everyone assumes we are lazy since we like to sleep. What non-felines don’t understand is that even when we are sleeping, our minds are plotting against you active and awake. Duh.

People who have a mental illness deal with the same kind of stigma (well, I guess it’s worse because no one gives them any fish). Basically, they get a bad reputation.

It’s because other people don’t understand them or they get afraid. It’s stupid, really.

Humans are meaner to other humans, even meaner than they are to animals.

Do I make fun of you just because you have to wear glasses? Nope. The glasses help you tell which food is mine and which food is the dog’s food. That is VERY important.

Do I make fun of your mom just because she is deaf in one ear? Heck no! She may have to ask somebody to repeat something, but she makes a point to show that she considers the other person important. She doesn’t just ignore that somebody said something (although she would be happier if she did!)

If someone needs medication or one of those therapist-people, then so what??? It takes a lot of fur to ask for help. More humans should respect that.

Do I hesitate to ask for your mom to work the can opener and get that tuna can open? No, I do not! I swipe at her to get her to hurry up! And if a human has a breakdown or needs a little extra something-something to do what needs to be done, then other humans should encourage them and help them to keep going. That’s how it should be.

This whole stigma-thing is a scam to make humans hate each other. Don’t you believe it! Don’t go with the stigma-hate thing. Stick with the adore-cats-as-gods thing instead, and we’ll all be much happier!

Tuna out!
LuLu

What’s a stigma?

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

I guess today’s letter is kind of serious. I’m sorry. I want to help you wag your tail at lunchtime, but you’re the only one who gets my letters, and I need answers. It takes a long time to type with my paws!

What’s a stigma? Your mom talked about how some people are mean and are “stigmatizing” people, but it doesn’t sound like a good word. She said some humans face a “stigma” because they have a mental illness. Does that make sense to you? It doesn’t make sense to me!

Your mom said that sometimes humans get bullied or neglected and have a hard time making friends because they have depression or schizophrenia, but that’s just dumb. It’s an illness, right? If it’s an illness, you should help them!

When you are sick you stay home from school (which I love!) Your mom fixes soup and crackers for you (which is great when you spill it!), and you get extra cuddles. Cuddles are always good! So, if someone’s mental is sick, shouldn’t they get soup and cuddles too?

LuLu Cat says it isn’t that simple, but I’m not so sure. Do you think that (no offense since you’re a human, but…) humans sometimes make things difficult? If dogs are sick, sometimes they go away from their packs to keep them safe. But no one teases them or calls them useless.

Sometimes if a family dog is sick, some dogs will stay nearby and protect them. It just depends on how the pack is established. But the thing is, us dogs understand that sometimes somebody gets sick. It’s part of nature. Should a mental sickness really be different?

When your mom is sick, like when she got that stomach flu stuff, that little yappy twerp Felix stayed by her and growled if anyone got near her.  She told Felix “thank you” and everything! Felix is a loud, hyper little fuzzball, but he is also a good protector. Maybe more humans need fuzzball protectors to help them get better too. Maybe feeling safe is part of feeling better!

It all goes back to what I told you a few weeks ago. The only way to be truly happy is to get a dog.

Usually, I think that I am confused, but the more I type, the more I think humans are the ones who are confused. If we all protect each other, this stigma-thing wouldn’t be an issue!

Just my two dog biscuits! Wuff you!
Jamie

Being honest is being a cat!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Your dad seems to think that I start every letter with “the dog is an idiot”. Well, maybe I start letters that way because it’s true, did your dad ever think about THAT?

The. Dog. Is. An. IDIOT.

The Jamie-dog-Pest has been upset all week because of a news story about some dog somewhere that attacked its owner. Jamie claims it’s false advertising and that dogs aren’t bad, they’re just surprised and react without thinking. Um. NO!

Just ask any cat (like myself!) Dogs are bad. And dumb. And smelly. But that’s another conversation.

See, dogs are reactionaries, which is fancy talk for those who respond without thinking. Some humans are like this.

Your dad is more of a dog type. See, when your mom asks if she looks good in a new dress, she doesn’t want the real answer. She wants him to say that she looks beautiful (or, even better, like she’s lost weight!). But your dad, who is reactionary in nature, tells her the truth. Especially when he shouldn’t.

If they are about to go out to dinner, it is NOT the time to tell her that the dress looks a little small! That poor, sweet, technically-brilliant-but-socially-stupid man tells her what she doesn’t want to hear!

Now your mom is more like a cat. When someone gives her a gift she doesn’t like, she doesn’t respond frankly (another fancy word for you, frankly means brutally honest.) Instead, she gets creative (most adults call it “diplomatic”.)

She will use her own kind of spy-code, telling them how special it is or how she knows just where to put it! (The other day she muttered “up your bum” under her breath. It was hilarious!)

Cats are “diplomatic” as well. When we want something, we will let you cuddle us. Then we get treats and (not so awful, if it’s on our terms) cuddles. When we want to be left alone, we give humans one warning (either a bushy tail, a low hiss, or a quick swipe). We watch what everyone is doing and then decide whether or not we want to join in on the activity.

That is how it should be.

No one ever really thinks of cats as being bad because humans understand our superiority and their inferiority to cats. If we get a little scratchy or hissy most humans apologize to us for offending us (as they should).

I forget where this letter started and what I was trying to say. Oh, yeah.

Dogs drool, cats rule! Be more like a cat and you will find true happiness!

Tuna out!
LuLu

Not all dogs are bad!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

Why do some people say dogs are bad?  I know sometimes we can get upset. We have feelings like everyone else. But not all dogs are bad. When someone says a dog “turns on you,” it seems like a silly complaint. You have to turn around to sit down!

Oh, Babbie says that “turning on someone” means something not nice. Sorry. No one ever explains this stuff until after I’ve typed it.

See, someone on the news said the dog “turned on its owner” and that the owner got hurt. But maybe there was just some kind of confusion?

Remember the other day when you accidentally stepped on my tail when I was sleeping? I growled for a second ‘cuz I was half asleep. Once I got all wakey-wakey I was okay. I even apologized to you and let you pet me! I was just sleepy-scaredy-confused. It happens to everyone!

I don’t think dogs are really bad. I bet they’re just scared sometimes. Not every dog can type, and humans never seem to understand when we talk, so stuff gets misunderstood. A lot.

I think that happens with humans too, am I right? Maybe sometimes instead of saying that you’re scared or upset, you get snappy.

It sounded like you were going to bite your brother’s face off yesterday, all ‘cuz he got better grades than you on a test. But he was studying all weekend, while you went to a slumber party. Maybe it’s a trade-off kind of thing?

I don’t think most dogs or most people are bad. I think they just need to be understood. Or maybe they’re scared because someone understands them and knows that they’re scared, if that makes sense. It makes sense to me at least.


Just for the record, I am a GOOD dog, and if I ever snap at you, it’s just because you woke me up. I love you!

Jamie

Productive bodily function production

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ 3 Comments
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

The dog is an idiot. You’re welcome. That stupid pest-hound told your sister that it’s okay to pee on everything in existence. Ummmmm, NO! That is NOT how this works!

Yes, peeing is normal, but it should not be done in public or even randomly!

Look at me. I use a nice, clean litterbox. That litterbox is inside a nice, clean wood litter box house. That allows me to do my business yet not be harassed by dogs, humans, or other ridiculous creatures.

I NEVER go outside of the litterbox (except for that one time I had an infection, but that is wayyyy too embarrassing to discuss right now and the vet fixed it anyway, so who cares?)

The point is that urination designation must have an element of pride. One cannot just squat anywhere, one must have a specific spot that is pristine and somewhat secluded. After all, you wouldn’t want just anyone happening upon you while you are in a prone position, would you?

Urination, defecation, and regurgitation deliberation are the keys to a happy life. Well, that and fish; lots of fish.

We cats learned long ago that our body waste has power. Well, it’s not waste so much as purified putrid product that is an expression of your love for us. It shows if you feed us well. That will be revealed via our stool and, depending on placement of said excrement, we are okay with that.

If it is inside of the litterbox then, well, you are welcome. We cats have allowed you the privilege of daily cleaning of our litterbox. If it is outside of our litterbox then SHAME ON YOU. If it is outside of the litterbox then you are not keeping our box clean or we have an illness. Either way, it’s your fault. You’re the human. Your job is to serve us cats and keep us healthy and happy.

As a cat owner you are automatically a member of the Feline Fanatics Club. Membership includes cuddling us (only when we allow it), feeding us (and it better be the good food!), and adoring us (always). Plus you must give us fresh, clean water and clean our litter. Would you use a messy toilet? No! So why would you want your cat to use one?

We cats express ourselves through yowls, howls, and bowels. Sometimes it is through our elimination, but sometimes it is via directed regurgitation. All bodily expectoration are, in essence, communication. (Will you listen to that fabulous wording? I really need to write more feline poetry!)

Writing these letters to you is art. Scratching a human is an art. Throwing up a hairball is an art. All physical feline expressions are calculated; all serve our own feline-centric purpose.

You puke up a glutinous glob in your dad’s favorite dress shoes, the ones hidden at the back of the closet, and I PROMISE you will get his attention. Urinate on the new rug you hate and they will get rid of it, guaranteed!

All production of bodily function can be productive if you know what you are doing. Bodily functions are normal so you might as well enjoy them!

Certain showers can be fun!
LuLu