The secret to life is keeping me happy

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Since I’m not supposed to start with “the dog is an idiot” anymore (even though it’s true!) I will start with this: don’t get your life advice from a dumb dog who, by the way, happens to be an idiot. Hah!

Life is not–no disrespect to your mom–a game of Tetris. It is not about fitting together the happy and sad so that you concentrate more on the happy. Sheesh! She has GOT to stop watching television, it’s increasing her dumbness!

Life is about fish and naps and having more yarn than the other cats. No one cares about happy or sad because there is no sad when you have fish. DUH.

The problem is that your family has what some call “special needs” and you know a lot of families with “special needs” so you hear more bad stuff than good stuff. You hear a lot about people dying or going to the doctor or being unhappy. But you have to ignore all of that.

Bad stuff, heck, bad DAYS are gonna happen if you’re a human. You do it to yourselves really. You worry about bills and events and automobiles. WHY???

Do you know what an automobile is? It’s a death trap. Seriously. It either runs over us cats or it takes us to the vets. That thing they stick inside your tush when you’re at the vet is NOT a bubble wand! And they put needles in you. Yikes! Needles are bad, automobiles are bad, and….

Wait. Automobiles are how your mom gets to the store to buy my treats. She also uses one to buy seafood, and I love all the seafood I see! She also buys my cat litter using her automobile. A clean litterbox is VERY important for ALL of us. Seriously.

Okay, automobiles aren’t so bad, but they aren’t so good either. And comparing your automobile to someone else’s won’t make you happy, it will only upset you. Humans should be happy for any automobile they have because then they have a way to buy fresh fish and clean cat litter.

THAT is what life is about–keeping your cat happy.

Our happiness should be your happiness, because if we are unhappy we will make sure that you’re unhappy too. Usually at 3a.m., so watch it.

Since I am not supposed to start letters with a certain phrase anymore, I can end it that way. The dog is an idiot.



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