Humans just don’t understand!

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

Why can’t I bite the landscapers? I don’t like them AT ALL.

They took my favorite tree. They said it was dead, but it was still useful! I could use it to scratch my back and the squirrels would jump from branch to branch. Okay, so maybe it WAS about to fall on the house, but they still could have left it!

Now I’m mad. Just plain mad. And I don’t get mad much, so there.

You humans do NOT understand anything about nature. I heard that some kid in your class got in trouble because he brought grass to school! Grass is good!

You can roll on it when you want to wiggle, you can eat it when your tummy feels sick, you can pee on it. It’s like outdoor carpet with munchy crunchy bugs for snack time!

Clearly the adults got something wrong because they said the kid “rolled” grass. You don’t ROLL it, you roll IN it!

Then your mom said this kid was SMOKING grass. That doesn’t even make any sense! If you burn it, how are you gonna chew it later? Did he think he was supposed to cook it first?

Sometimes I think humans don’t deserve nature. You never bark at anything, you don’t chase butterflies when they land on your nose, and you never sniff anyone’s butt (which is the only polite thing to do when you first meet someone!)

You humans really don’t know much about how the world works at all, do you? You just….wait.

LuLu cat said grass is another name for pot. That doesn’t make any sense either, unless the student maybe lit a fire under the pot?

I know that everyone says I’m a dim bulb, but I’m really starting to believe that you humans are the ones who need some brain dumb help.

I love you anyway. I might not be able to help you with your homework, but I can help you eat your sandwich later.




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