Your mom deals ‘nip

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

WOW. Just WOW. Your dumb dog thinks that a kid in your 5th grade class got busted because he was smoking grass. The problem is that the big dummy thinks that means grass like what’s on the lawn.

Do you want to tell the dog what’s really going on or should I?

You’d better hope your dog never runs away from the house. If she gets lost, some alley cat is gonna feed her to the lions at the zoo. And she’s so stupid, she’ll walk into the cage!

A lot of kids your age try drugs at some point. Sometimes they try them on purpose because they want to get high. Sometimes they get pressured into it.

Clearly, these kids do not have cats or they would be pressure-trained already. It’s our job as cats to pressure you, but we just want you to open a can of tuna. Geez!

I’m not worried about you spending your money on drugs. You spend wayyyy too much money on Pokemon cards and manga. I’m a little upset that you don’t spend more money on me.

That reminds me, I should throw up in your shoes later.

I know your mom and dad were trying to help you by talking to you about drugs and how they are dangerous and stuff, but they really just told you a bunch of lies. At least, that’s what it sounded like. I feel asleep, ‘cuz it mostly just sounded like blah-blah-awkward-blah.

They said that you had to be in charge of you and that cool kids ignore what everyone else is doing. Lame-o!

It’s easy for adult humans to tell kids to walk away or to call home and ask for help. Those adults aren’t around when someone offers up a joint or something (or the person wouldn’t offer you drugs, DUH). With everybody staring at you and acting like you’re a loser if you DON’T try stuff, well, it’s a lot harder to resist.

Just remember that if you do drugs you’ll smell funny, kind of like the kid next door who always smells like skunk. Trust me, it isn’t skunk. Of course, that kid also has the IQ of a dog. Well, maybe he’s not THAT bad, but he doesn’t like books.

How can you not like books? You can read them, sleep on them, and even squish the pages under your butt to get more comfortable. Plus you can chew the corners when you need a little crunchy-munchy. What’s not to like?

Books are like a good drug. You get addicted to a good story and you ignore everything else until you get to the last page. If it’s a book about Garfield or why cats are superior, then it’s also educational, entertaining, and amazing!

Anyways, if you take drugs, you’ll start seeing floating flowers and junk like in that weird cop movie. Ben Stiller saw birds around Owen Wilson’s head, hilarious! Plus, you won’t have enough money left to buy treats for me, and THAT is totally unacceptable.

Do I do drugs? Sure, I try a little catnip now and then, but I don’t have problem. And technically, your mom is my dealer since she’s the one who buys it.

Come to think of it, your mom’s a Hippocratic! Or hippogriff? Or hip-to-be square? I don’t know, I just know she’s a hippy-something. She tells you not to “do” drugs, but she buys catnip for Trixie and me! Double-talk much?

When we try the ‘nip we get all racey-clawy-wall-climby. It’s like we can’t zoom fast enough! But afterwards we sleep. We sleep a LOT. One time I even missed dinner!

YOU definitely can’t handle catnip or any other drugs. Remember how you were spinning and threw up after you ate that doughnut burger and the cotton candy and had soda at the state fair? If you can’t handle a little sugar, you REALLY can’t handle the strong stuff, like catnip.

So, don’t do drugs because you’ll miss meals, smell like a skunk, and have no cash to buy me gifts. If that happens, I will have to swipe you. Problem solved.



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