Being honest is being a cat!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Your dad seems to think that I start every letter with “the dog is an idiot”. Well, maybe I start letters that way because it’s true, did your dad ever think about THAT?

The. Dog. Is. An. IDIOT.

The Jamie-dog-Pest has been upset all week because of a news story about some dog somewhere that attacked its owner. Jamie claims it’s false advertising and that dogs aren’t bad, they’re just surprised and react without thinking. Um. NO!

Just ask any cat (like myself!) Dogs are bad. And dumb. And smelly. But that’s another conversation.

See, dogs are reactionaries, which is fancy talk for those who respond without thinking. Some humans are like this.

Your dad is more of a dog type. See, when your mom asks if she looks good in a new dress, she doesn’t want the real answer. She wants him to say that she looks beautiful (or, even better, like she’s lost weight!). But your dad, who is reactionary in nature, tells her the truth. Especially when he shouldn’t.

If they are about to go out to dinner, it is NOT the time to tell her that the dress looks a little small! That poor, sweet, technically-brilliant-but-socially-stupid man tells her what she doesn’t want to hear!

Now your mom is more like a cat. When someone gives her a gift she doesn’t like, she doesn’t respond frankly (another fancy word for you, frankly means brutally honest.) Instead, she gets creative (most adults call it “diplomatic”.)

She will use her own kind of spy-code, telling them how special it is or how she knows just where to put it! (The other day she muttered “up your bum” under her breath. It was hilarious!)

Cats are “diplomatic” as well. When we want something, we will let you cuddle us. Then we get treats and (not so awful, if it’s on our terms) cuddles. When we want to be left alone, we give humans one warning (either a bushy tail, a low hiss, or a quick swipe). We watch what everyone is doing and then decide whether or not we want to join in on the activity.

That is how it should be.

No one ever really thinks of cats as being bad because humans understand our superiority and their inferiority to cats. If we get a little scratchy or hissy most humans apologize to us for offending us (as they should).

I forget where this letter started and what I was trying to say. Oh, yeah.

Dogs drool, cats rule! Be more like a cat and you will find true happiness!

Tuna out!


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