Productive bodily function production

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

The dog is an idiot. You’re welcome. That stupid pest-hound told your sister that it’s okay to pee on everything in existence. Ummmmm, NO! That is NOT how this works!

Yes, peeing is normal, but it should not be done in public or even randomly!

Look at me. I use a nice, clean litterbox. That litterbox is inside a nice, clean wood litter box house. That allows me to do my business yet not be harassed by dogs, humans, or other ridiculous creatures.

I NEVER go outside of the litterbox (except for that one time I had an infection, but that is wayyyy too embarrassing to discuss right now and the vet fixed it anyway, so who cares?)

The point is that urination designation must have an element of pride. One cannot just squat anywhere, one must have a specific spot that is pristine and somewhat secluded. After all, you wouldn’t want just anyone happening upon you while you are in a prone position, would you?

Urination, defecation, and regurgitation deliberation are the keys to a happy life. Well, that and fish; lots of fish.

We cats learned long ago that our body waste has power. Well, it’s not waste so much as purified putrid product that is an expression of your love for us. It shows if you feed us well. That will be revealed via our stool and, depending on placement of said excrement, we are okay with that.

If it is inside of the litterbox then, well, you are welcome. We cats have allowed you the privilege of daily cleaning of our litterbox. If it is outside of our litterbox then SHAME ON YOU. If it is outside of the litterbox then you are not keeping our box clean or we have an illness. Either way, it’s your fault. You’re the human. Your job is to serve us cats and keep us healthy and happy.

As a cat owner you are automatically a member of the Feline Fanatics Club. Membership includes cuddling us (only when we allow it), feeding us (and it better be the good food!), and adoring us (always). Plus you must give us fresh, clean water and clean our litter. Would you use a messy toilet? No! So why would you want your cat to use one?

We cats express ourselves through yowls, howls, and bowels. Sometimes it is through our elimination, but sometimes it is via directed regurgitation. All bodily expectoration are, in essence, communication. (Will you listen to that fabulous wording? I really need to write more feline poetry!)

Writing these letters to you is art. Scratching a human is an art. Throwing up a hairball is an art. All physical feline expressions are calculated; all serve our own feline-centric purpose.

You puke up a glutinous glob in your dad’s favorite dress shoes, the ones hidden at the back of the closet, and I PROMISE you will get his attention. Urinate on the new rug you hate and they will get rid of it, guaranteed!

All production of bodily function can be productive if you know what you are doing. Bodily functions are normal so you might as well enjoy them!

Certain showers can be fun!
LuLu

3 thoughts on “Productive bodily function production

  1. Hmm, so are you saying that elimination is allowed outside of the litter box if you are making a statement? We’re a bit confused on this point. We just know, as dogs, we better not do it in the house, and hang our heads in shame and contrition if it happens…even if it isn’t us who did it. XOX Xena and Luchy

    Liked by 1 person

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