Cars are bad!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Why in the name of Garfield does Jamie want traffic? She’s been blathering on about wanting a car and traffic and flopping ears. She thinks that a car is a happy thing!

Cars are a menace! Every time I have been in the car, it has only brought me pain. Cars only go to one place—the vet! Do you want to get shots or have bubble wands put up your backside? Does that sound like fun to you???

And let’s talk about the journey itself—pure torture! Your mom & dad put me in this stupid “carrier” like I don’t know how to walk, then they seatbelt it in like I’m some sort of infant. Insulting!

Then, after completely humiliating me, they start to drive. THAT is where the traffic shows up.

People honk and screech at each other. Plus, your mom plays those horrible songs on the radio (seriously, are they strangling rabbits? What the heck are those sounds anyway? Nothing is relaxing about those songs I don’t care WHAT your mom says!)

Then, because there is so much cruelty in the world, the trip gets worse. Your mom starts to sing with the songs. Oh, sweet Tom & Jerry, make it stop!!!

There are certain sounds only cats and dogs can hear. There are also certain sounds cats and dogs should NEVER hear. Your mom’s singing is one of them!

The point of this particular letter is to tell you that no matter what that doofus dumbo dog tells you, cars are bad. If you get a car, then you get vet visits and terrifying traffic. It’s not worth it.

Stay home and nap instead!
Your friend,

LuLu Cat

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