Cars are bad!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Why in the name of Garfield does Jamie want traffic? She’s been blathering on about wanting a car and traffic and flopping ears. She thinks that a car is a happy thing!

Cars are a menace! Every time I have been in the car, it has only brought me pain. Cars only go to one place—the vet! Do you want to get shots or have bubble wands put up your backside? Does that sound like fun to you???

And let’s talk about the journey itself—pure torture! Your mom & dad put me in this stupid “carrier” like I don’t know how to walk, then they seatbelt it in like I’m some sort of infant. Insulting!

Then, after completely humiliating me, they start to drive. THAT is where the traffic shows up.

People honk and screech at each other. Plus, your mom plays those horrible songs on the radio (seriously, are they strangling rabbits? What the heck are those sounds anyway? Nothing is relaxing about those songs I don’t care WHAT your mom says!)

Then, because there is so much cruelty in the world, the trip gets worse. Your mom starts to sing with the songs. Oh, sweet Tom & Jerry, make it stop!!!

There are certain sounds only cats and dogs can hear. There are also certain sounds cats and dogs should NEVER hear. Your mom’s singing is one of them!

The point of this particular letter is to tell you that no matter what that doofus dumbo dog tells you, cars are bad. If you get a car, then you get vet visits and terrifying traffic. It’s not worth it.

Stay home and nap instead!
Your friend,

LuLu Cat


Traffic can be fun!

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

What’s a traffic?

It’s funny that your mom & dad gripe about traffic, but traffic happens in a car. I LOVE cars!

Your ears flap as the wind comes in, and you get to bark at the other cars. The other cars sometimes have other dogs! Genius!

I don’t understand why some humans get all weird about traffic and cars and stuff. I see a lot of people walking on the side of the road and they look really tired. I bet they would love to have a traffic!

The other day I saw a dog grooming van. I got so excited to see who was driving, but it wasn’t a dog at all. It was just another human! Isn’t that false advertising? Shouldn’t a dog be driving the van if it’s a dog groomer?

I know that LuLu Cat once told you that I drove your mom’s van to the pet store, but I really didn’t. I don’t know how to drive, and your mom NEVER lets me.

She says, “Car ride!” and then gets upset when I jump into the driver’s seat. She has never let me have a driving turn, not even once! Worse, if I try to cuddle her when she’s driving, she tells me to stop!

That’s why I like it better when your dad drives. Then, your mom lets me sit on her lap to look out. I like that MUCH better. What’s the point of riding in a car, if you can’t see anything?

Anyway, tell your mom and dad to stop cussing when they’re driving. That weird middle-finger-handwave doesn’t seem nice either. If traffic bugs them so much, they should give their traffic to someone else. Maybe if they give their car to a person who doesn’t have one, that person will be happy.

 I bet there are a lot of humans who LOVE traffic!

I love you a lot little human, but if you want to learn to love traffic, learn to stick your head out of the window once in a while. Flappy ears and a sun-tinted tongue make everything better!

Your favorite dog,