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Cats need chainsaws!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Since you have been making out a wish list for Easter presents, I’d like for you to add a special present just for me. For Easter I would like a chainsaw. I’ve given this a lot of thought, and it is not only a practical gift but a fun one as well. All cats should have chainsaws.

With a chainsaw I could do lots of useful things. You have a few trees in your yard that are each at least hundred feet high. I could chop them down (with your dad’s help, of course) and use the wood to make my own cat palace. I could also use the chainsaw to keep stray animals out of yard.

Think about it and you’ll see that it makes perfect sense.Would YOU willingly enter a yard that has a chainsaw-wielding cat out front? No, you would not!

Those dumb dogs you insist on keeping are constantly arguing with me over who gets the part of the couch that’s next to the sunny front window. Once I have my chainsaw, I can saw out a cat-sized section to stay near the window, and your mom can put the dogs’ section of the couch somewhere else—preferably in another state.

Those Pests certainly won’t chase me once they see my shiny chainsaw blades moving! I’ll finally have some serious power around here! I’m going to name my chainsaw “The Peacemaker” ‘cause it’s gonna end a lot of fights really fast.

Okay, I’m getting too excited, so I’d better go take a nap. Remember to add CHAINSAW to your list!

Your pal & favorite calico cat,

LuLu

Skip adulting, become a dog!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
12Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

The cats told us that your brother Ethan got a bad report card-thingy. That stinks. The teacher stinks. Grades stink. School stinks. You should stay home all of the time, with me. That would be awesome. It is hard being a dog in a human-adult and cat-run world. Adults are ridiculous. Cats are ridiculous. Only dogs like me are worth listening to.

Adults work all day to buy a good home and good food. Work takes all day, which means that they are never at home to enjoy it or eat the good food. Even if they work online, they stay shut in one room all day. At the end of the day, they are too tired to eat or enjoy where they are.

On the weekend, adults do extra chores. Chores to clean the house, the house that they don’t get to enjoy because they are always working. Sounds dumb to me!

I know people think I am stupid, but I am kind of smart. I know that if you have a good home, you should enjoy it. Play ball more. Scratch your ears. Roll in the grass. Do you ever see adults doing those important-type thingys? Nope!

Over the weekend, your mom and dad dug a lot of holes. I helped. I’m great at digging! When they were done, did they roll around in the dirt? NO! They put plants where the holes had been dug. They put new dirt from bags into the holes they had just made in the old dirt. And I am the one who is stupid? Why work all that time to dig a hole that you are going to fill back up?

I think being a dog is a lot better than being an adult. Don’t grow up. Stay a human-puppy and roll in the dirt with me. Lick your paws and chase your tail. That is the key to happiness.

For a “dumb ol’ dog,” you have to admit that I’m pretty smart, am I right?

Skip school & stay home with me! Love from your favorite English Springer Spaniel,

Me, Jamie

You can’t eat a report card!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I heard you got bad grades this term. It’s okay. Seriously. If it makes you feel any better, I never got a good report card and look how great I turned out! Of course, cats don’t actually go to school, so my not getting a report card (good or bad) wasn’t a big deal any way.

You have to put things in perspective. Perspective is a big word that adults use to sound fancy, like they know what they’re talking about. (As an adult human, the more big words you use the more money you can get.) Perspective means how you look at something. So, having the right perspective is important.

If you’re drowning in the Atlantic Ocean (or any ocean, for that matter) will your report card save your life? No. (If you answered “yes”, you’re in more trouble than I thought.) If a bank robber grabs a gun and tries to shoot you, will the report card block the bullet? No. If you’re starving to death, can you eat your report card? Okay, maybe that one is a yes, but the report card won’t taste good, and once it’s gone, you’ll be hungry again.

Good grades are important, don’t get me wrong, but you shouldn’t get too upset. Just try harder next time. Or don’t. Us cats only try hard when there is food involved. Nothing else is worth that much effort.

Your mom says the teacher doesn’t like you because you’re different, but it’s okay. You’re great, everyone else is boring. One of these days you will be King Cat and make wayyyy more money than him. More money means more fish. That’s an idea! Maybe you should take your teacher some fish. Would he accept tuna as a bribe? I know I would. A good plate of fish would certainly make me like you a lot better.

OH-Don’t think I’m getting nice or anything. I’m gonna swipe at you later. Probably.

LuLu

Fish with your teeth!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I loved the show about Hawaii you watched on Sunday! I loved the beaches and the waves. Are you going there? Can I go with you?

The kids who were standing on ironing boards in the water had so much fun! Could we try that here? Could we put an ironing board in the bathtub? They call it surfing and it looks amazing!

You asked your mom for a fishing pole. WHY???

I don’t know why you think you need to get a fishing pole just to go fishing. Obviously your parents have forgot to teach you something. Thank goodness I’m here!

When you’re looking at a pond or a river, if you see a fish swimming below the surface, jump in and grab it with your teeth lickety-split. Poles are for lazy people. Think about it: they stand for hours, just getting hungry. Use your teeth. Much faster and better.

Ooh! We could go deep-sea fishing like on the television! Just think of it: a shark swims past, how do you catch it? Can you reel it in with your dinky little pole? No! You have to dive on top of it, grab its fin in your teeth and show it who’s boss.

Since I know you’ll be nervous your first time I can jump in with you. Your mom gets really fussy, and she’d probably say to leave the shark alone. She worries a lot even when she doesn’t need to. She’d be really happy when she sees all that shark meat!

Did she ever tell you that Uncle Hal almost got bitten by a shark while he was on land? Make sure that shark is dead before you go near the mouth!

I’m gonna watch Travel Channel and see if I can pick up any more tips. You go win the lottery so we can pig out at the luau!

Your friend,

Jamie

Time to plant a fish farm!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I know that you always want to earn extra money and, quite frankly, so do I. I never seem to have any money at all, not even pocket change! I don’t actually have any pockets, but I do have places where I could hide money if I actually had a few dollars. Where is NONE of your business,

I have needs and wants, just like you. Mostly needs, actually, wants are for stupid humans. I need to have fresh fish every day. I also need a massaging recliner, but I’m willing to let you buy that for me for my birthday.

Anyway, I’ve figured out how you and I can both be happy. You know all that room you have in the backyard? Well, why not build a fish farm? See, you could grow fish. You could sell some to the fish market, and I could eat the rest. That would be great, wouldn’t it?

I’m not quite sure how fish farming works; we’d probably need to get a book or something so we’d have instructions.

Do we dig the ground up in rows, like when humans plant corn? Do the fish grow on bushes or on trees? How do they end up in a stream once they’re grown? Do they fall off of the tree and into the water, or does someone pick them off of a bush and then throw them in a river? How long before the fish are ripe enough to pick? 

It’s probably going to be very complicated and a lot of hard work, so you’d better get started. Just make sure you plant enough fish seeds so that we grow lots of nice, juicy fish. That way Trixie can eat some too.

I’m off to scratch Jamie. Have a good day at school!

Your new business partner,

LuLu

Give the flu back!

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Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I’m sorry you got sick last night, what’s a flu? Why would you get one if it makes you miserable? Those noises you made were weird. At first it sounded like you were growling or rumbling, and then I heard splashing! It was so strange!

Your tummy must have felt awful. You certainly smelled awful. I think you should give the flu back to whoever gave it to you. It doesn’t seem like a good thing to have.

Whenever I get a tummy ache I go outside and eat plants and leaves. You should try it. You’ll feel much better. Sometimes there are little bugs on the grass. It’ s a bonus because you get bug meat. Yum!

You have to admit that you’re getting hungry just thinking about it. Bugs are really, really tasty. It’s like eating a delicious, squishy, wriggling pickle. The juice squirts out a little as they pop in your mouth. MUCH better than those dry crackers you nibbled this morning!

I wish you didn’t have to go back to school. LuLu is really mean to me when you’re not here. She’s also mean to me when you ARE here, but it’s not quite as bad.

She likes to knock stuff off the stairs so that it lands on my head. She’ll cry out like she’s hurt or something, I’ll run to the stairs and then POW! Books and shoes fly out of the railing.

I know I shouldn’t keep checking on her when she cries, but what if she’s hurt? What if she needs help? I think she’s taking advantage of the fact that I’m nice, and I have the scars to prove it.

Do your best at school. I’ve heard that kids who get bad grades have to go to summer school. You CAN NOT leave me alone all summer with that crazy cat. I’m not saying she’s evil, but she’s definitely psychotic!

Come home soon!

Jamie

Mice-a-roni & edible bugs

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I think I need your help with something and I’m sure you’ll say “yes”. You know, you’re very lucky. Not many humans get requests for help from cats. Cats are perfect as a rule, so we don’t usually have to ask for help from anyone.

My feline friends and I are having a very unusual spot of difficulty. Whenever we are typing on the keyboard, this funny arrow-shaped bug floats around on the monitor screen. We’ve tried to catch it whenever we see it, but our paws always fall flat against the screen.

How did this arrow bug get into the monitor? What does that bug taste like? Your mom hates bugs, so why doesn’t she catch it? Bgs are very nutritional, much better than the sodas she drinks!

I should tell you that you humans are, as always, very ignorant. We tried to eat that so-called mouse that’s next to the keyboard. It hurt my precious teeth! I’ll have you know that that thing IS NOT a mouse!

Mice are usually white, brown, or gray, and they are always juicy and tasty, not hard and crunchy. Wait—that’s not true. Real mice are crunchy once you get past the meat. The bones always shatter a bit when you chomp down. Except for catnip mice.

Those are a special category. Don’t tell your mom, but they aren’t real mice. SERIOUSLY! She seems so excited when she brings us new catnip mice. I don’t think she is as smart as everyone says. See, those are just bits of carpet with funny grass in them.

Okay, they smell amazing and make me all rolly-polly and hyper and then I crash and get tired, so they’re kind of fun, but they aren’t real mice. Real mice are food, not carpet.

Poor Mom, she really is kind of pathetic, isn’t she? Even a kitten knows that those mice aren’t real. But your mom tries, God bless her!

Oh great! I was supposed to get your help with that stupid arrow bug and now I’m getting hungry! I’m off to find a snack. Got any more hamsters around? I’m craving rodent “mice”-a-roni right now.

Your feline friend,

LuLu

How can sandwiches teach class?

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Since when do they let sandwiches teach fifth grade?

I heard you tell your mom that you had a sub teaching class yesterday. You said that you really liked her.

Was the sub big enough to share? Why would you call a sandwich “she”? How does a sandwich teach anything? Why didn’t you bring me a piece of the sandwich?

Does the principal come into the room and then put a sandwich on the regular teacher’s desk? I can see how you’d learn fractions. If you have a foot-long sub and 24 people, how many inches would each student get to eat? If there are 4 types of meat and 2 types of cheeses, how many total items are on the sandwich?

That type of lesson would make sense and it would be fun (for you, not the sandwich). But how does a sub sandwich teach literature?

I’m guessing that a deli-meat sub sandwich’s favorite play would be “Hamlet” because of ham, right? Or, instead of reading plays, do you make up stories about how the sub is the last bit of food on earth and how you and your friends must live in dirt holes and protect the sandwich with your lives so that the human race will survive?

I’m confused, and I’d really like to know how this works. Do you get to eat the sandwich at the end of the school day? How does a sub sandwich make the class sit still and do work? I like sandwiches. I like ALL food! Why can’t I go to school with you?

I’m a good dog, right???

I think I need to eat some crayons to cure this headache you’ve given me. From now on, please let a teacher control the class instead of a sandwich. That would be better for all of us.

Love food, love you more,

Jamie

Death ramps and fish friends

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I’m very glad you are going to school today. I wasn’t able to get any of my naps yesterday. When your stupid dog was running around outside the house it wasn’t so bad, but when she started playing inside the house—YEESH! I may have to hide all of her squeaky toys.

The ramp you built to exercise Jamie on isn’t big enough or tall enough. I can see in my head a ramp that is a thousand feet high, eighty feet wide, with a mat of sharp poisoned spikes underneath.

Jamie would climb the seven hundred steps to the top. Then, she would have ten seconds to put on her parachute and run across the ramp before the whole thing explodes.

Mind you, it’s probably impossible for a dumb dog to put on a parachute or even pull the rip cord to release the parachute. She’d probably fall on the poisoned spikes at the bottom. But hey, it’s a great trick!

Why don’t you make two death ramps—one for Jamie and one for Babbie? That way we get rid of both Pests at one time. You’ve got to admit you’re tempted, right?

I’ve been thinking about your mom’s birthday. It’s in March, right? I’m pretty sure she wants several cases of tuna and a half-dozen raw fish. If you’re smart you’ll get her some fish now and put them in your closet (on the floor would be best). I’ll help you hide them. You can trust me, I’m a cat.

By the way, I am offended that your parents felt the need to make a locking grid-lid for your sister’s fishbowl.

Can I help it if that stupid beta fish keeps trying to get out? I wasn’t trying to eat him so much as scare him. After all, if he knows my jaws of death are waiting, he wouldn’t try to get out of his bowl, now would he?

I do not appreciate that your parents do not trust me. I would be outraged, but it’s naptime again. Just check your shoes before you put them on. I have a hairball with your name on it.

Your sneaky hungry feline friend,

LuLu the Cat

Burned steaks are delicious!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Your brother built a ramp for me! Did you see it? It’s fantastic! It makes your ears flap when you run and jump off of it! Heaven! You HAVE to try it!

Plus, every time I did a trick I got a treat. Yesterday was the perfect day—almost.

I wasn’t thrilled about getting a bath. I like playing in water. I love the way water feels, and I love the wonderful smell I give off when I’m wet. But baths are a little like torture.

I’m not supposed to play in the water or splash it around. I’m expected to stand there and get shampooed, but I don’t get to have any fun. What good is all that water if you’re not going to splash it? Your mom has GOT to get her priorities straight.

Still, your mom was probably still upset because the deck caught on fire. Your dad was grilling steaks while I was running up and down the ramp. I made it very clear to your dad that Babbie and I wanted steaks too, but he actually made us move away from the grill!


I started to go back to the ramp but Babbie started her I’m-a-Jack-Russell-so-I-hop routine. This means somethings wrong. Or that someone has food. It just depends. I looked back and saw this weird black ring starting around the bottom where it touched the wood.

I tried to paw your dad to show him, but he told me to go away. I pawed at him again and whined. He rubbed my ears and told me I was a pretty girl. I am, but that’s not what I wanted. Then your mom came out and asked what was burning. It got funny after that.

Your dad was running for water. He came back with the hose spraying but he slipped and water went everywhere! Babbie and I kept pawing at your mom and barking. We were trying to jump at her to keep her safe. She was trying to grab us saying she needed us away from the flames. Your brother was yelling that the house was on fire.

It was craziness!

Your dad finally got the fire put out and your mom ordered pizza. They threw out the steaks! I mean, sure, they were black and smokey, but they probably still tasted okay! Your mom and dad are weird. They don’t understand meat. Or baths. It’s kind of sad.

Your mom said she is going to put a plant where the fire burned a hole in the deck so that no one knows it’s a burned spot. I know. Anyone with a nose is gonna know. You can still smell the crispiness.

I’m off to play with my squeaky toy. It annoys LuLu, so it’s my favorite hobby.

Have fun at school!

Jamie