Cats need chainsaws!

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Since you have been making out a wish list for Easter presents, I’d like for you to add a special present just for me. For Easter I would like a chainsaw. I’ve given this a lot of thought, and it is not only a practical gift but a fun one as well. All cats should have chainsaws.

With a chainsaw I could do lots of useful things. You have a few trees in your yard that are each at least hundred feet high. I could chop them down (with your dad’s help, of course) and use the wood to make my own cat palace. I could also use the chainsaw to keep stray animals out of yard.

Think about it and you’ll see that it makes perfect sense.Would YOU willingly enter a yard that has a chainsaw-wielding cat out front? No, you would not!

Those dumb dogs you insist on keeping are constantly arguing with me over who gets the part of the couch that’s next to the sunny front window. Once I have my chainsaw, I can saw out a cat-sized section to stay near the window, and your mom can put the dogs’ section of the couch somewhere else—preferably in another state.

Those Pests certainly won’t chase me once they see my shiny chainsaw blades moving! I’ll finally have some serious power around here! I’m going to name my chainsaw “The Peacemaker” ‘cause it’s gonna end a lot of fights really fast.

Okay, I’m getting too excited, so I’d better go take a nap. Remember to add CHAINSAW to your list!

Your pal & favorite calico cat,

LuLu

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