chainsaw – The LuLu Letters

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type. — Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I’m tired today. So tired. I’m a dog, so I guess I’m what your mom calls dog-tired. Weary world, weary dog, weary me.

For the last few days that crazy cat LuLu has been pouncing on everything and pretending she’s using a chainsaw. She says that she’s getting one in her Easter basket. I hope that’s not true!

There’s a whole lot wrong in the world right now and giving a cat a chainsaw is NOT gonna help!

Your mom and dad looked really worried when they watched the news last night. A lot of bad-sad stuff is going on. You know why? Because people ignore their dogs.

Think about it: when you rub our bellies, we wag our tails, and you smile. When you ignore us, we don’t wag our tails, so no one smiles. Simple, right?

The key to the world’s problems is to love a dog. Dogs love you no matter what.

When you have a rough day at school your mom gives you a hug and that’s okay, but I bring you a toy. We play fetch and soon you’re laughing!

When you don’t like what’s for dinner and you “drop” it on the floor, I rush in to eat it. Your mom doesn’t have time to scold you because I already cleaned it! Finito! Or is it frito? I’m not sure. Frito is food, and food is better.

Dogs are better. You got a bad report card and I brought you a toy. You got mad and threw it and I brought it back. You laughed and threw it again. Problem solved!

Your mom was grading papers and she was putting red marks all over them! The red marks made her mad and she got close to being monstery-thingy-mom again. Then I tried to sit in her lap. She said I was too big, so she sat on the floor and played with me for a while. Afterwards she finished the papers but was less grumbly. Crisis avoided!

See, the world gets unhappy cuz too many people focus on money and stuff instead of wagging tails and floppy ears. Hugs and snuggles make everything better.

There, the world’s problems are solved! Adopt a dog and everything will be better! Well, YOU don’t need to adopt because you have ME, but everyone else would do well to go to the shelters.

Think about it: you can’t hold a gun if you’re busy throwing a ball!

World peace, you are welcome!
Love,

Jamie

P.S. Do NOT let anyone get that crazy calico a chainsaw!!!

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer. — Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Since you have been making out a wish list for Easter presents, I’d like for you to add a special present just for me. For Easter I would like a chainsaw. I’ve given this a lot of thought, and it is not only a practical gift but a fun one as well. All cats should have chainsaws.

With a chainsaw I could do lots of useful things. You have a few trees in your yard that are each at least hundred feet high. I could chop them down (with your dad’s help, of course) and use the wood to make my own cat palace. I could also use the chainsaw to keep stray animals out of yard.

Think about it and you’ll see that it makes perfect sense.Would YOU willingly enter a yard that has a chainsaw-wielding cat out front? No, you would not!

Those dumb dogs you insist on keeping are constantly arguing with me over who gets the part of the couch that’s next to the sunny front window. Once I have my chainsaw, I can saw out a cat-sized section to stay near the window, and your mom can put the dogs’ section of the couch somewhere else—preferably in another state.

Those Pests certainly won’t chase me once they see my shiny chainsaw blades moving! I’ll finally have some serious power around here! I’m going to name my chainsaw “The Peacemaker” ‘cause it’s gonna end a lot of fights really fast.

Okay, I’m getting too excited, so I’d better go take a nap. Remember to add CHAINSAW to your list!

Your pal & favorite calico cat,

LuLu

Tag: chainsaw

Dogs=World peace! You’re welcome!

Cats need chainsaws!