Tag: pets

Cats rescue humans!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,


I heard that the dumb slobber-hound was carrying on about how dogs and humans rescue each other. Do NOT get any ideas. No one “rescues” cats, we grace you with our presence!

Sure, once in a while one of my fine feline fellows may need a bit of assistance such as a bed or catered meals, but that is not “rescuing”, that is giving cats their due! We are to be honored and admired!

We are to be lavished with food and pets, the types of which might—if you’re lucky—make us pronounce our pleasure with a purr! Rescue? As if!

Well, perhaps we rescue you humans, because you would be hopeless without us.

It is time you understand something, baby-kitten: Cats should be treated with respect. Always. Respect comes in many forms including (and only when desired) tuna, water faucets with the drip “just right”, clean litter boxes, empty sitting boxes, and the (rarely allowed) cuddle.

You never rescue us; it is YOU who need US. Certainly, we may deign to accept your meager gifts and yes, on occasion, we may need bodyguards to protect us from human brutes, but you must realize that you are lucky to have us.

Cats are your lifeline to human pleasures such as joy and laughter. Don’t believe me—check the interweb! How many hours do people spend looking up cat videos?

Face it—without us you humans would have NOTHING! Cats are the cornerstone of human happiness. You’re welcome!

You should get me more treats on the way home from school to thank ME for rescuing YOU!
LuLu

Cat swiping/griping=love

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

I heard that stupid Jamie-dog was going on about love and how dogs love people. Yech. Who cares???

Everyone loves cats, and that’s what’s important. We also love ourselves.

Cats are magnificent, marvelous, mystical, and other words that start with M!

We are the ulltimate status symbol—to ourselves, not to you humans. We don’t care what you humans think.

As cats we want only one thing—well, two things. One: We want every living creature to recognize, acknowledge, and bow down to our feline superiority. Two: We want tuna, shrimp, or any type of edible fish. Get on that. NOW.

Sure, dogs bark and scare away burglars, but have you ever thought of what burglars are called? CAT burglars, named for their weak imitation of our stealth-paw ninja skills. Criminal masterminds understand that to be truly successful, to be superior at stealth, they must imitate cats. Our feline perfection defects major detection.

You may ask yourself if cats love humans? Yes and no. We love ourselves first, naturallment! But sometimes, if a human is lucky, and prefereably if they have a warm, squishy lap and a soft voice, we cats might—ever so reluctantly—deign to love our humans.

It is important to remind the humans WHO is in charge. The occasional yowling at 3a.m. or random claw-swiping helps humans to remember that we are their bosses. But yes, some humans receive our love.

We even love you, human money-child, but that is mostly because you need us. My fellow calico cat Trixie and I have come to understand that your days at school with all of those bullies and torture sessions called “phys ed” would be hell-on-Earth if you did not have our feline favor to look forward to at the end of the day. Although I prefer a good old-fashioned swiping-and-griping, the occasional lap cuddles sessions are not totally offensive.

So yes, I guess that cats love too. Sometimes. Now go fetch me a tuna!
LuLu

Bullies are just jealous!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

The stupid pest-dogs told me that you were getting bullied. Now, as a cat, I do not understand why you would let anyone bully you. The only one who gets to pick on you is ME. But still, I guess when you’re away from home there isn’t much you can do. Or is there?


As a cat, I have learned to combine my lightning ninja skills with my superior acting prowess. Sometimes I use my retractable razor-claws to make others bleed their way into submission. I randomly ninja-swipe anyone who walks past my hidey-hole. The screams turn my purrs into throaty, velvety laughter!

Yet, once in a while, not too often, I need the sympathy of those kinder, gentler, and stupider beings who hold the key to happiness: the can opener. Yes, I’m talking about your parents. They mean well but they really are quite gullible, aren’t they?

So, on rare yet festive occasions, such as when I have broken something your mom really, really likes, I wait until your mom or dad has run into the room, and I roll around and around on the floor and cry pathetically. Did I mean to smash your mom’s vase? Absolutely! But why not get some treats and dog-blaming while I’m at it?

You see, I never roll and yowl until the dogs come in to see what has happened; THEN I let my acting skills kick in!  I arch my back and hiss at the dogs and make my eyes big in my “they scared me” routine.

Your parents shoo the dogs away and then your mom picks me up in an admittedly-not-awful cuddle hug. She walks me to my countertop and gives me tantalizing turkey treats. Sometimes she even tells the dogs to get out of the kitchen and leave me alone!

OKAY, so CLEARLY I am fabulous, but how does that apply to you and your sister?

See, bullies are going to exist whether you do the right thing or not. It stinks to get picked on (not that I’d know, I’m usually on the other side of things) but why not have some fun with it?

Instead of playing it SAFE, play it SMART.

Record what happens by turning on your phone-thingy and putting it in your pocket before you walk down the hall. Stop trying to act all brave. Ask for help already! We all know you’re brave. We’ve seen the way the bus driver steers the bus, you HAVE to be brave just to ride the bus to school and home again!

Give the recording to your parents. Admit that you need help. You can trust your parents. They’re dumb and a bit naïve, but they love you. And they buy food, bonus! And remember that whatever the bully says isn’t true.

Bullies try to hurt people because they’re damaged. Your mom calls them toxic. They hit you or say bad words, and the words all seem to be like these weird arrows that open up every bubble of fear or sadness inside you. Bullies have had a lot of target practice and are used to shooting down souls. Don’t let them get away with it.

Every time a bully says something mean and the words start to bleed on your heart, think about how you would feel if they said the same thing to your mom and dad or even your sister. Would you believe those words then? Would you let your family hit themselves over and over with bad words, or would you fight to help them break those word-arrows?

Come on, we both know the answer. You would never let anyone hit your mom and dad’s targets. And they don’t want anyone to hit yours. Don’t let bullies own you, and don’t let them change you.

Mind you, I still think razor-sharp claws would take care of the problem double-quick, but the dogs say you can’t hit back. So you’re gonna have to hit them with your mind. Me personally, I think the bullies are jealous.

You’re different, sure, but your family loves you and they show up to everything. EVERYTHING. Even when they embarrass you and act like their silly-selves, they always come to school events and band practices and plays and rehearsals. You can’t really get away from those weirdos, am I right?

But, have you noticed? You never see the bully-kids at anything. They aren’t at the plays or the carnivals. Your mom said she’s never seen their parents at all either.

Do you think the bullies are just jealous because you’re loved so much?

Then again, maybe the bullies are just jealous because you have the world’s most attractive, most intelligent calico cat to rule over you. Heck, I’d be jealous of me if I wasn’t myself!

For the record kiddo, you may be one can short of a tuna case, but you’re family and I’ll scratch anyone, any time, just for you. Heck, I may do that anyway.

Love from your favorite feline,

LuLu

Bullies do NOT understand Love!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

Last night your mom was sad because she read an article about folks who were mean just because someone was from a different place. I even heard that some people don’t like each other because they look different.

That’s dumb. I mean, I know people think I’m not smart because I’m a dog, but I know dumb stuff. I’m really smart about dumb stuff!

I’m a brown and white dog. Babbie is a tan and white dog. I’m big, she’s little. So what? We both chase our tails and bark when someone goes past our window, so we both know what is important!

I don’t care if Babbie is different! I don’t care if YOU are different!

I know some girl made fun of you because you are short with brown hair, but I think you are beautiful. Especially when you have bacon. Then you are EXTRA beautiful!

I think that human-people are kind of stupid. They get picky about what someone looks like or how much stuff you have, but seriously, how much stuff do you need? Isn’t it what’s in your lunch box that matters?!

For us dogs it’s all about smell. Other animals smell right or they smell wrong. That’s all there is to it. If it smells wrong, it IS wrong. And if someone smells like a bully, then they’re a bully. Listen to your nose. And your gut. Those are the truth-tellers in life.

You and your brother have had to deal with a LOT of bullies lately. Bullies are stupid. They’re also sad. Something is wrong with anyone who has to chew someone else’s chowder. Just sayin’.

I know that doesn’t help when they’re picking on you. It stinks. It stinks that I cannot be there to bite them for you. Maybe you should bite them instead? Biting teaches a lesson. A brilliant, painful lesson.

True fact: Bullies don’t understand love. They don’t understand that sometimes massive cuddle hugs smother you but make you feel warmer too. You need other people and dogs, and they need you too. So don’t stop loving.

You be YOU girlfriend! Oh–and offer bacon. Bacon makes everything better!


Love,

Jamie

Catnaps=REAL world peace!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I heard that dumb dog Jamie told you that dogs are the secret to world peace. They’re NOT. They’re the secret to world DUMB.

Dogs have no sense of pride. They beg for scraps and lick every part of a person they can reach. They sniff butts. Ewwwww…..

World peace is not about petting some stupid sycophantic canine. It is about recognizing your true place in the world. And fish. World peace is about fish.

Think about when those Earth-activist people protest. What do they complain about? Fishing. They talk about how it impacts the environment and blah, blah, blah.

And then there’s the animal rights reactionary-types. They scream about fishing as well!

Yet not one of those people understand that the rights of cats should be their priority. Cats eat fish, yes, but that is WHY we are so important. We are violently, clawingly, against overfishing.

If humans fish too much, then will there be any fish left for the cats? No. If they are out on those boats, they distract the fish from mating; we do not have new fish to eat, and that hisses me off.

If everyone considered how best to keep cats happy then the world would be a better place.

That stupid dog Jamie said that humans cannot use guns if they are petting dogs, but they can still kick each other in the shins. That hurts, so wars still happen.

NO ONE can fight a war if they have a cat in their lap. They just can’t.

Try to move when you have a purring, princess-like bit of feline perfection on your lap. As soon as the purring starts, that slow rumbling velvet noise is like a warm weighted vibrating blanket.

You become calmer and forget what you wanted to do. Eventually you become sleepy; you don’t have a choice, because heavy cats make your legs fall asleep and the rest of your body follows.

How can you fight a war when you’re sleepy? You can’t. It’s a fact. Napping makes you feel better, and cats are the napping gurus of the world. We model the perfect napping protocol.

Warm sun, warm room, and a full belly. Napping role models can save the world. You’re welcome.

So NO, dogs will not give you world peace. They will give you farts and chaos. Cats, on the other hand, will give ninja napping skills. Get a cat.

Yes, we will rule the world, and we will rule you, but the world will be a fuzzier, scratchier, happier place. We abuse while we amuse. Again, you’re welcome.

Your favorite calico,

LuLu

Dogs=World peace! You’re welcome!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ 2 Comments

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I’m tired today. So tired. I’m a dog, so I guess I’m what your mom calls dog-tired. Weary world, weary dog, weary me.

For the last few days that crazy cat LuLu has been pouncing on everything and pretending she’s using a chainsaw. She says that she’s getting one in her Easter basket. I hope that’s not true!

There’s a whole lot wrong in the world right now and giving a cat a chainsaw is NOT gonna help!

Your mom and dad looked really worried when they watched the news last night. A lot of bad-sad stuff is going on. You know why? Because people ignore their dogs.


Think about it: when you rub our bellies, we wag our tails, and you smile. When you ignore us, we don’t wag our tails, so no one smiles. Simple, right?

The key to the world’s problems is to love a dog. Dogs love you no matter what.


When you have a rough day at school your mom gives you a hug and that’s okay, but I bring you a toy. We play fetch and soon you’re laughing!

When you don’t like what’s for dinner and you “drop” it on the floor, I rush in to eat it. Your mom doesn’t have time to scold you because I already cleaned it! Finito! Or is it frito? I’m not sure. Frito is food, and food is better.

Dogs are better. You got a bad report card and I brought you a toy. You got mad and threw it and I brought it back. You laughed and threw it again. Problem solved!

Your mom was grading papers and she was putting red marks all over them! The red marks made her mad and she got close to being monstery-thingy-mom again. Then I tried to sit in her lap. She said I was too big, so she sat on the floor and played with me for a while. Afterwards she finished the papers but was less grumbly. Crisis avoided!

See, the world gets unhappy cuz too many people focus on money and stuff instead of wagging tails and floppy ears. Hugs and snuggles make everything better.

There, the world’s problems are solved! Adopt a dog and everything will be better! Well, YOU don’t need to adopt because you have ME, but everyone else would do well to go to the shelters.

Think about it: you can’t hold a gun if you’re busy throwing a ball!

World peace, you are welcome!
Love,

Jamie

P.S. Do NOT let anyone get that crazy calico a chainsaw!!!

Cats need chainsaws!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Since you have been making out a wish list for Easter presents, I’d like for you to add a special present just for me. For Easter I would like a chainsaw. I’ve given this a lot of thought, and it is not only a practical gift but a fun one as well. All cats should have chainsaws.

With a chainsaw I could do lots of useful things. You have a few trees in your yard that are each at least hundred feet high. I could chop them down (with your dad’s help, of course) and use the wood to make my own cat palace. I could also use the chainsaw to keep stray animals out of yard.

Think about it and you’ll see that it makes perfect sense.Would YOU willingly enter a yard that has a chainsaw-wielding cat out front? No, you would not!

Those dumb dogs you insist on keeping are constantly arguing with me over who gets the part of the couch that’s next to the sunny front window. Once I have my chainsaw, I can saw out a cat-sized section to stay near the window, and your mom can put the dogs’ section of the couch somewhere else—preferably in another state.

Those Pests certainly won’t chase me once they see my shiny chainsaw blades moving! I’ll finally have some serious power around here! I’m going to name my chainsaw “The Peacemaker” ‘cause it’s gonna end a lot of fights really fast.

Okay, I’m getting too excited, so I’d better go take a nap. Remember to add CHAINSAW to your list!

Your pal & favorite calico cat,

LuLu

Skip adulting, become a dog!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
12Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

The cats told us that your brother Ethan got a bad report card-thingy. That stinks. The teacher stinks. Grades stink. School stinks. You should stay home all of the time, with me. That would be awesome. It is hard being a dog in a human-adult and cat-run world. Adults are ridiculous. Cats are ridiculous. Only dogs like me are worth listening to.

Adults work all day to buy a good home and good food. Work takes all day, which means that they are never at home to enjoy it or eat the good food. Even if they work online, they stay shut in one room all day. At the end of the day, they are too tired to eat or enjoy where they are.

On the weekend, adults do extra chores. Chores to clean the house, the house that they don’t get to enjoy because they are always working. Sounds dumb to me!

I know people think I am stupid, but I am kind of smart. I know that if you have a good home, you should enjoy it. Play ball more. Scratch your ears. Roll in the grass. Do you ever see adults doing those important-type thingys? Nope!

Over the weekend, your mom and dad dug a lot of holes. I helped. I’m great at digging! When they were done, did they roll around in the dirt? NO! They put plants where the holes had been dug. They put new dirt from bags into the holes they had just made in the old dirt. And I am the one who is stupid? Why work all that time to dig a hole that you are going to fill back up?

I think being a dog is a lot better than being an adult. Don’t grow up. Stay a human-puppy and roll in the dirt with me. Lick your paws and chase your tail. That is the key to happiness.

For a “dumb ol’ dog,” you have to admit that I’m pretty smart, am I right?

Skip school & stay home with me! Love from your favorite English Springer Spaniel,

Me, Jamie

Fish with your teeth!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I loved the show about Hawaii you watched on Sunday! I loved the beaches and the waves. Are you going there? Can I go with you?

The kids who were standing on ironing boards in the water had so much fun! Could we try that here? Could we put an ironing board in the bathtub? They call it surfing and it looks amazing!

You asked your mom for a fishing pole. WHY???

I don’t know why you think you need to get a fishing pole just to go fishing. Obviously your parents have forgot to teach you something. Thank goodness I’m here!

When you’re looking at a pond or a river, if you see a fish swimming below the surface, jump in and grab it with your teeth lickety-split. Poles are for lazy people. Think about it: they stand for hours, just getting hungry. Use your teeth. Much faster and better.

Ooh! We could go deep-sea fishing like on the television! Just think of it: a shark swims past, how do you catch it? Can you reel it in with your dinky little pole? No! You have to dive on top of it, grab its fin in your teeth and show it who’s boss.

Since I know you’ll be nervous your first time I can jump in with you. Your mom gets really fussy, and she’d probably say to leave the shark alone. She worries a lot even when she doesn’t need to. She’d be really happy when she sees all that shark meat!

Did she ever tell you that Uncle Hal almost got bitten by a shark while he was on land? Make sure that shark is dead before you go near the mouth!

I’m gonna watch Travel Channel and see if I can pick up any more tips. You go win the lottery so we can pig out at the luau!

Your friend,

Jamie

Time to plant a fish farm!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I know that you always want to earn extra money and, quite frankly, so do I. I never seem to have any money at all, not even pocket change! I don’t actually have any pockets, but I do have places where I could hide money if I actually had a few dollars. Where is NONE of your business,

I have needs and wants, just like you. Mostly needs, actually, wants are for stupid humans. I need to have fresh fish every day. I also need a massaging recliner, but I’m willing to let you buy that for me for my birthday.

Anyway, I’ve figured out how you and I can both be happy. You know all that room you have in the backyard? Well, why not build a fish farm? See, you could grow fish. You could sell some to the fish market, and I could eat the rest. That would be great, wouldn’t it?

I’m not quite sure how fish farming works; we’d probably need to get a book or something so we’d have instructions.

Do we dig the ground up in rows, like when humans plant corn? Do the fish grow on bushes or on trees? How do they end up in a stream once they’re grown? Do they fall off of the tree and into the water, or does someone pick them off of a bush and then throw them in a river? How long before the fish are ripe enough to pick? 

It’s probably going to be very complicated and a lot of hard work, so you’d better get started. Just make sure you plant enough fish seeds so that we grow lots of nice, juicy fish. That way Trixie can eat some too.

I’m off to scratch Jamie. Have a good day at school!

Your new business partner,

LuLu