Cats rescue humans!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,


I heard that the dumb slobber-hound was carrying on about how dogs and humans rescue each other. Do NOT get any ideas. No one “rescues” cats, we grace you with our presence!

Sure, once in a while one of my fine feline fellows may need a bit of assistance such as a bed or catered meals, but that is not “rescuing”, that is giving cats their due! We are to be honored and admired!

We are to be lavished with food and pets, the types of which might—if you’re lucky—make us pronounce our pleasure with a purr! Rescue? As if!

Well, perhaps we rescue you humans, because you would be hopeless without us.

It is time you understand something, baby-kitten: Cats should be treated with respect. Always. Respect comes in many forms including (and only when desired) tuna, water faucets with the drip “just right”, clean litter boxes, empty sitting boxes, and the (rarely allowed) cuddle.

You never rescue us; it is YOU who need US. Certainly, we may deign to accept your meager gifts and yes, on occasion, we may need bodyguards to protect us from human brutes, but you must realize that you are lucky to have us.

Cats are your lifeline to human pleasures such as joy and laughter. Don’t believe me—check the interweb! How many hours do people spend looking up cat videos?

Face it—without us you humans would have NOTHING! Cats are the cornerstone of human happiness. You’re welcome!

You should get me more treats on the way home from school to thank ME for rescuing YOU!
LuLu

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