Cats rescue humans!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

I heard that the dumb slobber-hound was carrying on about how dogs and humans rescue each other. Do NOT get any ideas. No one “rescues” cats, we grace you with our presence!

Sure, once in a while one of my fine feline fellows may need a bit of assistance such as a bed or catered meals, but that is not “rescuing”, that is giving cats their due! We are to be honored and admired!

We are to be lavished with food and pets, the types of which might—if you’re lucky—make us pronounce our pleasure with a purr! Rescue? As if!

Well, perhaps we rescue you humans, because you would be hopeless without us.

It is time you understand something, baby-kitten: Cats should be treated with respect. Always. Respect comes in many forms including (and only when desired) tuna, water faucets with the drip “just right”, clean litter boxes, empty sitting boxes, and the (rarely allowed) cuddle.

You never rescue us; it is YOU who need US. Certainly, we may deign to accept your meager gifts and yes, on occasion, we may need bodyguards to protect us from human brutes, but you must realize that you are lucky to have us.

Cats are your lifeline to human pleasures such as joy and laughter. Don’t believe me—check the interweb! How many hours do people spend looking up cat videos?

Face it—without us you humans would have NOTHING! Cats are the cornerstone of human happiness. You’re welcome!

You should get me more treats on the way home from school to thank ME for rescuing YOU!


The dog has GOT to go!!!

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon


Why is Jamie bow-wowsing and barking on about pirates in our neighborhood? Pirates are at the beach, everyone knows that! Jamie is digging up the back yard and running from window to window every time she hears a truck. This is madness!

All last night, during my play time, Jamie kept pacing around the house, sniffing at doors and windows over, and over, and over again. Trixie and I ALWAYS do our best play after midnight. Nothing beats the sound of fresh glasses being swatted off the counter, breaking up the quiet of the night.

And the tree, the tree! If you climb it just right, and put your weight against the top branches, it will tump right over. Those so-called shatterproof ornaments never survive!

The noises made by the ornaments are nothing compared to the sounds your parents make when they find our Christmas tree art installation scattered across the floor. It’s even better if they step on the pieces!

So anyway, I was so bothered by that stupid dog and her obnoxious nighttime patrols that I thought about getting a ride back to my foster home. Then I realized that if anyone should leave it should be Jamie! My stuff is here, she’s the one causing issues!

She should take Babbie, that other ridiculous dog, the Jack Russel terrorist, with her! How would you feel about a dog-free zone? Personally, I think it is a great idea! Let’s work on this together, shall we???

While you get rid of the dumbo-dogs, I am going to go fix myself a snack. Your mom got me some pouches of tuna that are easy to chomp through.

She put them in the regular kitchen cabinet instead of by my food bowl, but no worries! I can get that cabinet open any time I want!

You get rid of the dogs, I’ll get rid of the tuna!