Catnaps=REAL world peace!

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I heard that dumb dog Jamie told you that dogs are the secret to world peace. They’re NOT. They’re the secret to world DUMB.

Dogs have no sense of pride. They beg for scraps and lick every part of a person they can reach. They sniff butts. Ewwwww…..

World peace is not about petting some stupid sycophantic canine. It is about recognizing your true place in the world. And fish. World peace is about fish.

Think about when those Earth-activist people protest. What do they complain about? Fishing. They talk about how it impacts the environment and blah, blah, blah.

And then there’s the animal rights reactionary-types. They scream about fishing as well!

Yet not one of those people understand that the rights of cats should be their priority. Cats eat fish, yes, but that is WHY we are so important. We are violently, clawingly, against overfishing.

If humans fish too much, then will there be any fish left for the cats? No. If they are out on those boats, they distract the fish from mating; we do not have new fish to eat, and that hisses me off.

If everyone considered how best to keep cats happy then the world would be a better place.

That stupid dog Jamie said that humans cannot use guns if they are petting dogs, but they can still kick each other in the shins. That hurts, so wars still happen.

NO ONE can fight a war if they have a cat in their lap. They just can’t.

Try to move when you have a purring, princess-like bit of feline perfection on your lap. As soon as the purring starts, that slow rumbling velvet noise is like a warm weighted vibrating blanket.

You become calmer and forget what you wanted to do. Eventually you become sleepy; you don’t have a choice, because heavy cats make your legs fall asleep and the rest of your body follows.

How can you fight a war when you’re sleepy? You can’t. It’s a fact. Napping makes you feel better, and cats are the napping gurus of the world. We model the perfect napping protocol.

Warm sun, warm room, and a full belly. Napping role models can save the world. You’re welcome.

So NO, dogs will not give you world peace. They will give you farts and chaos. Cats, on the other hand, will give ninja napping skills. Get a cat.

Yes, we will rule the world, and we will rule you, but the world will be a fuzzier, scratchier, happier place. We abuse while we amuse. Again, you’re welcome.

Your favorite calico,

LuLu

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