Cat swiping/griping=love

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

I heard that stupid Jamie-dog was going on about love and how dogs love people. Yech. Who cares???

Everyone loves cats, and that’s what’s important. We also love ourselves.

Cats are magnificent, marvelous, mystical, and other words that start with M!

We are the ulltimate status symbol—to ourselves, not to you humans. We don’t care what you humans think.

As cats we want only one thing—well, two things. One: We want every living creature to recognize, acknowledge, and bow down to our feline superiority. Two: We want tuna, shrimp, or any type of edible fish. Get on that. NOW.

Sure, dogs bark and scare away burglars, but have you ever thought of what burglars are called? CAT burglars, named for their weak imitation of our stealth-paw ninja skills. Criminal masterminds understand that to be truly successful, to be superior at stealth, they must imitate cats. Our feline perfection defects major detection.

You may ask yourself if cats love humans? Yes and no. We love ourselves first, naturallment! But sometimes, if a human is lucky, and prefereably if they have a warm, squishy lap and a soft voice, we cats might—ever so reluctantly—deign to love our humans.

It is important to remind the humans WHO is in charge. The occasional yowling at 3a.m. or random claw-swiping helps humans to remember that we are their bosses. But yes, some humans receive our love.

We even love you, human money-child, but that is mostly because you need us. My fellow calico cat Trixie and I have come to understand that your days at school with all of those bullies and torture sessions called “phys ed” would be hell-on-Earth if you did not have our feline favor to look forward to at the end of the day. Although I prefer a good old-fashioned swiping-and-griping, the occasional lap cuddles sessions are not totally offensive.

So yes, I guess that cats love too. Sometimes. Now go fetch me a tuna!


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